I was told that once the WAS feels that you've actually 'given in' to the sitch, and they feel like you are taking things seriously.... they start to open up. That seems like what your W has done. It's amazing to me (still!) that our instincts are wrong- it's when we do what seems to be counter-productive, that we actually notice a change.
My H also avoids a few family members- the ones who say anything that challenges his decision...sounds like your W is doing the same thing. The WAS doesn't want to hear anyone second guess them or say things that *might* make them think twice- so they avoid it completely... like a little kid who says: "I don't want to be your friend because you don't want to play what *I* want to play." In many ways, the WAS is functioning as their inner child: I want what I want when I want it- and you can't do anything about it!
Keep up the good work- it's seems to be causing a change in her!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Well, after a few days of silence, my wife texted me out of the blue yesterday to say she had picked up the mail and would drop it by either later that day, or today. Neither of those happened, but that's not the point - I just find it positive, in a small way, that she CHOSE to tell me that. There was no NEED to; I could have gone to pick it up myself, found that it wasn't there and presumed she'd got it and she could have just dropped it off whenever.
Then, last night I had an interesting surprise visitor: the closest person my wife has to a father figure (her biological father left when she was an infant, and this person is a long-time friend of her mothers). He hadn't seen me in a long time, had only heard that we were 'having problems' and came by to see to see what was going on. He was concerned that she might be taking advantage of me, and relayed how much she had borrowed from him when she was much younger and never paid back (around the time of - and immediate aftermath of - her first marriage; possibly reinforcing the theory that when things get difficult in her personal life she gets really bad with money).
He had also mentioned that when he'd seen her at our niece's basketball games, she's been with another guy. It's the first I've heard of any other guy - when her sister contacted me I asked about it, she said it was a guy she recognized from when they were in high school and that he was "a toolshed."
After my visitor had left and I sat down to think, I was actually kind of surprised - pleasantly - by my own detachment. Hearing that she was showing up to someplace she'd know her family would see her with another dude would be something you'd THINK would send me through the roof. But it didn't. I realized that it may, or then again may not, mean anything. And even if it DID mean something - if something was going on - there's nothing I can do about it right now. If there is, it's frankly not WHOLLY inconsistent with where her family thinks her mental state is; and I know from MWD's books and from reading the boards here that it's not going to last.
I can't affect it now; it doesn't HAVE to affect me while I attend to my own life right now, and if we get our chance to reconcile down the road, it doesn't HAVE to stand in the way unless we let it.
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
"After my visitor had left and I sat down to think, I was actually kind of surprised - pleasantly - by my own detachment. Hearing that she was showing up to someplace she'd know her family would see her with another dude would be something you'd THINK would send me through the roof. But it didn't. I realized that it may, or then again may not, mean anything. And even if it DID mean something - if something was going on - there's nothing I can do about it right now. If there is, it's frankly not WHOLLY inconsistent with where her family thinks her mental state is; and I know from MWD's books and from reading the boards here that it's not going to last."
"I can't affect it now; it doesn't HAVE to affect me while I attend to my own life right now, and if we get our chance to reconcile down the road, it doesn't HAVE to stand in the way unless we let it."
Well, well! Sounds like you've got that detachment thing down pat! Good for you!
I wonder if had you found out about the OM through a different source if you might be feeling differently about it now. Maybe the unexpected visitor sharing the news had some sort of balancing effect on the news. Regardless, you seem to be handling the news really well.
Bravo!
"I can't affect it now; it doesn't HAVE to affect me while I attend to my own life right now, and if we get our chance to reconcile down the road, it doesn't HAVE to stand in the way unless we let it."
I really like this ^^^^^!!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I wonder if had you found out about the OM through a different source if you might be feeling differently about it now. Maybe the unexpected visitor sharing the news had some sort of balancing effect on the news. Regardless, you seem to be handling the news really well.
You know, I'm not sure. Earlier on in our difficulties, before DB and when I was still very much trying to mind read, I figured it would be EASIER for me to understand if there in fact WAS someone else. Perhaps that somehow prepared me. Fact of the matter is things had been on this trajectory for so long that I would have been lying to myself to believe this wasn't at least a POSSIBILITY.
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
Things have been pretty quiet on the marriage front. My wife never dropped off the mail over the weekend, instead she did it yesterday while I was at work, which is fine.
Today, she contacted me about some of the furniture in the house (particularly the bed in the master bedroom and some of the dressers she brought with her when she moved in). She asked if I was willing to pay her for them, since last week we agreed it was fair for her to have them (they HAD been her dressers after all, and we gave away the bed she had in her old apartment). Now I think a) she doesn't want to have to move big stuff and b) since she doesn't have a job yet, cash is more important to her.
I told her it would depend on a few things (namely if I can find new renters for the house I own in Nevada) and she was actually fairly understanding.
In other news though, in a short three days since setting up my 'team' for the cancer society fundraiser I've already raised $400 myself - obliterated how much I raised last year and already broke the goal I set this year.
Before THAT event actually takes place though, my dad and I are making plans to meet up and do some skiing on our own. We haven't been able to do that in a while. We'll be making a weekend out of it toward the end of February.
I'm also a step closer to re-entering one of my longtime hobbies that's been on a haitus since my last move with the military - my scale modelling work area is pretty much up and running so once I square away some display space for completed work, I'll be ready to get back into that which has ALWAYS been theraputic for me. The gym and running continue to go well also...
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
Well, as I had mentioned in another thread, my wife continues full-speed-ahead. Apparently you can do all the divorce paperwork yourself on-line now (which seems horribly wrong somehow), which she's done and says she next needs to have them notarized.
Meanwhile, she's been packing up the last few days. The way we've worked it out is she's basically taking just her clothes, some linens, and about half the kitchen stuff (of which we had quite a bit anyway).
I feel like I'm taking it fairly well. Yes it feels like yet another step in the 'wrong' direction, but it doesn't set anything in stone (as 25 and others have pointed out in other people's threads). It's quite possible it's a NECESSARY part of the process as one friend said; two more supportive friends opined that "she needs to be the whole way out and gone before a change of heart is even POSSIBLE" and "I suspect she'll want to come back once she remembers how bad the real world [censored]."
Meanwhile, work, working out, raising money for ACS, trying to practice simple gratitude and the rest continue.
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
I feel like I'm taking it fairly well. Yes it feels like yet another step in the 'wrong' direction, but it doesn't set anything in stone (as 25 and others have pointed out in other people's threads). It's quite possible it's a NECESSARY part of the process as one friend said; two more supportive friends opined that "she needs to be the whole way out and gone before a change of heart is even POSSIBLE" and "I suspect she'll want to come back once she remembers how bad the real world [censored]."
Hey kolja -I'm thinking the same thing for my sitch. I have come to the same realization I this will happen and it will not be the end.
I'm really impressed with the way you have detached. The OM will hurt when I find out.
Meanwhile, work, working out, raising money for ACS, trying to practice simple gratitude and the rest continue.
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
Apparently you can do all the divorce paperwork yourself on-line now (which seems horribly wrong somehow)
Yes, it does seem horribly wrong. D is WAY too convenient nowadays. What has our society come to?
Originally Posted By: kolja
I feel like I'm taking it fairly well. Yes it feels like yet another step in the 'wrong' direction, but it doesn't set anything in stone (as 25 and others have pointed out in other people's threads). It's quite possible it's a NECESSARY part of the process as one friend said; two more supportive friends opined that "she needs to be the whole way out and gone before a change of heart is even POSSIBLE" and "I suspect she'll want to come back once she remembers how bad the real world [censored]."
I'm glad you're doing well. She's going to do what she's going to do. At one time, I likened it to being in airplane that's headed for the ground. You want to take the controls, but the pilot's telling you everything's OK. The best thing to do is to leave your hands off the controls. Or is this just crazy thinking?
