Sorry about yesterday's rambling post. It was created with the benefit of an all-night awake internal DB debate.

I recently read a link that comically described a MLC. I am still trying to understand my W's breakdown and how it relates to how she might turn out, my role in this sitch, and how it will affect my M and family. When I reads the MLC post it shicked me in how accurate it fit my sitch. I'm absolutely sure my W's breakdown is something well above and beyond A MLC, but it has me thinking that maybe they are two roled states of mind rolled into one for her.

My W has been making a lot of progress. What I think I need to learn is that progress, if there is true lasting progress, is not a steady progressive climb out of a breakdown but a series of ups and downs that maybe over time does result in upward progress. I have been so ties to her through this that I suffer the roller coaster of emotion. That is why I need to be detach in a big way while still being there for her. Not an easy route to travel.

I think my W is in a phase of falling down the rabbit hole again. Last night I went to the Bruins game. She supposed to be home with our youngest son. He was expecting her to come home after work, bring him to get some needed school supplies, and pick up some drinks on the way home because we were out. On the way home from the game I get a terxt from him telling me she never showed and could I pick up some drinks.

I picked up the drinks and arrived home. She was there sitting in the kitchen and giving me this weird look, would talk to me but when I answered would say nothing. Seeing the mental state she was in I just let it play along until she disappeared off into her room. When I left for work this morning and to drop my son off at school she was strangely still lying in bed. When I said goodby she was just staring off into space and didn't answer my goodbye. As a drove my son to school he asked if she was sick or something. He was worried in that she never showed last night to take him to the store, and never called him. He knew I was at the game so he reached out to me once he knew she was a no show. I later called her to see what's up? She was very argumentative when I asked if she was okay...pretty simple question to ask but obviously very hard to answer. I pieced together from all of this that she went out after work with a coworker and got hammered, and was in pretty rough shape this morning.

When she hits the downward slopes in this process she really has trouble holding it together. At worst, there was the suicide period, and the months long abandonment of the rest of us. At times she regresses into a kind of feral existance, coming out to go to work but then hiding in her room the rest of the time.

I'm worried that she may need more help than she's getting. Her psychiatrist has told her that he wishes he could see her every day. I worry that she may completely break down which has happened to a number of her siblings and her Mom. Her Mom and her niece are also going through "troubles" at the moment too.

I need to decide how to handle this. I have been taking the mindset that I am a single Dad who has to care of it all, the kids, finances, the house, myself, my company and employee's, etc.

I can't rely on her in her state.

I dealing with her, my MIL's sitch, my MIL's decision to move out and how to find her some of the equity she can live off of, my parent's illnesses, paying for two in college, you name it.

It feels right to stay within myself for self preservation, but I have to be careful of withdrawing from my own life. I find myself withdrawing from a lot of outside life because I need to try somehow to keep plowing through all of this.

I really need to detach from her to survive, but love her and don't wanrt to see her go down. I saw her in bed this morning, with her little feet sticking out from the covers. She looked like Tinkerbell after a car wreck. I wanted to go and comfort her but the stupid dog we adopted is scared shytless of me and barks like one of those dogs in The Omen when I get near her. Even the dog is a pain in the a$$!