Not much new happening, just a little more of the strange behavior from H (strange being positive, I guess).
I decided to try a new recipe for a soup last night and didn't think H would like it, so I cooked extra of what I was making for S4. H chose to eat the soup instead. While I was cooking, he was hanging around in the kitchen (we have a small kitchen) and playfully nudged me with his hip a few times. I didn't know what to do or say, so I just laughed and kept doing what I was doing. H was talking about the super bowl with S4 and said that he wanted to watch it with him. I said that I thought he might watch it in a bar (because he's been out almost every weekend to watch something with a soccer buddy, so I guess I was expecting H not to be at home), then he said that he doesn't know yet what he's going to do.
After dinner S4 and I were playing checkers and H kept touching my foot with his foot while I wasn't looking. When I would look at him, he'd say 'what?'. That went on for a little while. H had an earlier soccer game, so staying out of his way wasn't a problem for me last night. H slept in bed for the fourth straight night! (but who's counting anyway?). I think H wanted more than just sleep in bed, but I didn't react and he didn't pursue too hard.
So, I'm going to become citizen in a couple of weeks and have my oath ceremony scheduled. H actually brought it up and I asked him if he is going to come. He said he didn't know yet about what's happening on that day. One of my friends and my MIL are planning to come, so I'm not sure how he'll feel about being there. It is kind of a big deal for me and I would really like it if he was there, but due to the recent events I know that he doesn't really care, so I'm not expecting him to come. I guess we shall see. I've been thinking about everything, especially on my low days, that maybe symbolically I would be a "new" person and could "start over". H says that the only reason I am not giving up on us is because he thinks that I'm scared to be alone. Yes, I am not looking forward to it and it will take some getting used to, but that is certainly not the reason. I came to this country by myself when I was 17. I already know what it's like to "start over". Yes, the circumstances are a little different now, but I KNOW that I can do it and I WILL be ok. Yes it's scary, because H and his family are the only family I have here and I don't have a big circle of friends, but if he chooses to give up on us, then I will be ok.
H hasn't brought up his plans to move out since we talked on Sunday. I don't know if he's actually looked at anything yet. I just think it's weird how he's been 'closer' to me since Sunday when he insisted that he hates it at home and needs to leave and find his happiness elsewhere. His wedding band is still sitting on the dresser. I have IC tonight. I'm not sure what I want out of it yet. I'm curious about what anyone else does at IC. Do you go in with a "set agenda" in hopes to come out with something? Do you just go and vent?
