I have a suspicion, that she's still somewhat "lost and confused" as the DR book puts it.
Surprise, surprise, getting the divorce didn't alleviate any of that.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Hi everyone. Been gone awhile. Things are status quo pretty much. I suppose XW isn't as cold as she used to be. But I sense she still has issues. Oh well.
Steadily moving forward, although it's really slow becaus of the co-habitating thing. I expect things to move much faster when that ends. No, I'm not dating yet. Not ready. Of course the truth is, if I met someone tomorrow attractive enough to be smitten by - well I'd be smitten wouldn't I ?
The kids and I are getting along great. D18 is wrapping up her senior year in HS and making the most of it. Amazing how quickly that phase of her life passed by. Still a little concerned about S13, how he will react to seperation after D18 graduates . I am sure he'll realize he will not be "losing" either parent, and it won't be the end of the world - but still, a sad time.
I'll be back from time to time. Good luck to all DB'ers.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I was just reading 25's response to Tad on the MLC forum. That woman's intuition is amazing. She made me recognize something.
After a certain passage of time, when one lands on their emotional feet and begins to think clearly in retrospective, I find that losing XW is not nearly so painful as losing the "idea" of marriage.
On Sunday my parents will celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary (second marriage for mom). That's what pains me more now; I lost that, the realization that I'm not going to grow old with that person sitting across the courtroom.
That doesn't mean there won't be someone else or that through some long life labyrinth we might find our way back together, but who's holding their breath huh?
In retrospective, I could let her go, because, well because she wasn't perfect; nobody is. I saw a T-shirt once on a biker; thought it was funny at the time. On it was written: "No matter how good she looks, somebody somewhere is tired of her sh!t." I know it's mean, and sexist, whatever, but it touches a nerve.
After all this time, losing the "idea" seems to hurt more than losing the XW. Call me crazy.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
No, you're not crazy! You make perfect sense to me. There's just so much on the line to lose, and the idea of marriage itself is huge. Marriage has become so disposable today and it's so sad that people think it's ok to "give up" on anything really.
Speaking of "losing", it does hurt more that I didn't win.
Winning to most LBS'ers would mean the WAS coming back remorseful for all the pain they caused you after emerging from their fog and then picking up the pieces and rebuilding a relationship.
But the reality for me would be reconciling or repairing a marriage to (for all intents and purposes) a CRAZY person! I would never have become a WAS myself, but she was driving me away both emotionally and mentally, and I dutifully retreated.
My biggest mistake was expecting her to be the one to take the helm, the R temperature, and take charge of MC or retrouvaille or whatever. I never dreamed I would actually "drive" her to the arms of an OM and out the door.
But after all is said and done, I don't want to "win" in the conventional sense. I don't want to win back the mess I was in. If I could reclaim the person I married 19 years ago, then yes, but we've both changed too much. The biggest change of all showed itself when I underestimated how she could be "done" so easily and so quickly.
And there's the real pain of loss. Call it bruised ego, sense of failure, a seemingly unfair distribution of anguish and cake eating, or whatever, it hurts not to win. I realize though, that a win in my situation might not be the thing I really want or need.
Guess what I am trying to say is, sure I can change, become a better man, a man only a fool would leave, but none of that has any bearing on the sitch as far as XW is concerned. I have a conditions now that we're D, and condition number one is, I'll not jump back into the frying pan with a crazy person.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I have a bad habit of talking to my myself, mostly bitching and complaining to God about the slowpoke in front of me in traffic or the choices of XW. Throw in a few cuss words now and then, It's really gotten bad.
Well I was at a confirmation mass Saturday (sponsoring two young men) when the scripture readings began, and I got hit by the proverbial 2X4 by of all persons, God himself !
James 3:5-10
"5 In the same way the tongue is a small member and yet has great pretensions. Consider how small a fire can set a huge forest ablaze. 6 The tongue is also a fire. It exists among our members as a world of malice, defiling the whole body and setting the entire course of our lives on fire, itself set on fire by Gehenna. 7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by the human species, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings who are made in the likeness of God. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. This need not be so, my brothers."
Just thought I'd share that.
Pic.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I thought about moving my thread to one of the divorced forums, but just too lazy.
Not much new to report. D18 got accepted to every college she applied to. Decided she's going to be a Gator. Now we have to swing the finances.
XW finally got a new job that she seems comfortable with (doesn't hate) teaching middle school. Funny, she's been "going out of town" about once a month since the bomb, but this past week she was on spring break and stayed home. Don't know if that's any reflection on her A.
I've been pretty much enjoying life in my own way. I'm a home body, work around the house, stay in shape, March madness with drinking buddies, simple stuff. What some would call boring, others would call contented. XW is the exact opposite of course. Now she's taking golf lessons, another item on her bucket list I expect. Sometimes I wonder how we wound up together in the first place.
No lady friends for me yet. I'll wait until she moves out. It can't come soon enough, since I've been starving for pleasant female company for what seems like a hundred years now. But I'll never second guess letting S13's mother stick around for a little while for his sake.
The room mate interactions are "cordial", mostly about the kids. I'm trying to decide though, we agreed she moves out when D18 graduates. That date is looming closer. I desperately want my master suite back, been bunking in S13's bedroom forever. Should I proceed as planned or offer XW D18's bedroom? I dunno. I don't want it to look like "I" still want her around, KWIM? Is that even important? I'm not a doormat and don't feel like one. S13 would be devistated when we seperate.
Any thoughts?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
IaP, My heart goes out to you, man. I don't know how you're doing it with the XW still in the house. If I understand correctly, the original plan is for XW to move out when D18 graduates. That seems to be the best and healthiest option to me. It's what your W wanted anyway. Just MVHO.
Ditto what JB said. I'd proceed as planned. The other option seems to be offering your W the opportunity to stay in your home until your son graduates. 5 years?! No way man.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Now I've got to find an opportunity to broach the subject. She's definately "attached" to the home, has her decorating fingerprints (read sweat) all over it.
Hey, I almost forgot to mention something. A couple weeks ago, I stumbled across a sh!t load of syranges stashed in the fridge. Really creeped me out. Turns out they're some kind of weight loss coctail from some outfit called "Blissful Wellness." Anybody familiar with them?
I don't understand why one would have to inject their vitamins or whatever instead of taking them orally. In fact, unless you're a diabetic needing shots of insulin, or a drug addict, I find it bizarre that anyone should inject themselves with anything!
XW has been fighting to lose that last 15 lbs for years now. This seems like desparation to me. Is it a symtom of ongoing MLC, or am I meking too big of a deal here due to personal bias?
pic.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
