Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY

[tenbusrider]

Just go to AA already. Even if you don't think you need it (you probably do!) it will show your wife that you are serious about owning your half of the problems.

I'm sorry for not responding to this earlier, the internet has been out at my house for a while, so I've been using my phone to post.

I'm not sure why, but I've just got this mental block as far as AA goes. W has brought it up before, but in the context of her biological father, saying that he didn't find a woman he was happy with until he was in AA. What's funny about this is she didn't have a relationship with him for years and he passed away before she really had a chance to talk to him. While I don't doubt that she knows certain things about his relationship, I think she's supplying her own details about how things went down.

I'm not saying I won't go... I just fear that doing so will validate her feelings towards D. Of course, it's just as likely that not going will wind up in D, too.

I'm starting to question if I'm doing enough 180's. This is what's on the list so far:

-Not crying, begging, or pleading.
-Being positive and upbeat as possible (an added challenge right now with my dad's health and S's current sickness).
-Not bringing up R talk.
-Validating almost everything she says. The exceptions tend to be things that catch me completely off-guard, like when she recalls bad moments in our M that didn't happen the way she's bringing them up.
-Exercising.
-Spending time away from her, and not following her around (although this one is particularly tough, since we live in a pretty small house, and we tend to smoke at the same time).
-Making plans to improve myself without talking to her about them.
-Not texting her during the day except to ask how S is doing (particularly the last week or so, since he's been sick).


I'm really struggling with not asking her questions in general, though. It's really hard not asking her what's bothering her when she looks stressed out. I've got about a .500 average in this department. I don't push for details, and when she does open up, I try to validate her as much as I can.

I'm contemplating a new 180, would appreciate some feedback: she has a bad tendency to assume she knows what I'm doing or trying to say, and she's completely wrong. Usually I just try to explain that it's not the way she says it is. I'm thinking I need to start calling her on that. An example of this would be last night: we were putting S to bed, he's been feverish for a while, and was really whiny yesterday. She was changing his diaper, and he was thrashing around a bit, so I put my hands on his chest and stomach to try and calm him down/restrain him a bit to be helpful. W shot, "He's warm because he's been under the covers!" I looked at her and said that I knew that, but I was trying to help keep him still while she changed his diaper. She just said "oh".

I'm also still on the fence about the whole topic of the Pastor. I found one of his cards last night, just wondering if I should give it to her without any expectations of it doing anything. If I do this, then any attempts the Pastor makes to contact her will look like I'm trying to set her up. I'm really not trying to control her, but she did ASK for this information at one point... but like KD said, she may have forgotten about it, or just wanted it right then.

Another question for those more experienced than me: is it being a doormat to do little things she asks for like taking her plate to the kitchen when I'm heading that way or turning on a fan when I'm near the switch? I feel like I'm doing a lot of little man-slave things like this, but can't find a way to say no or get out of the situation. I'm not doing it expecting it to change anything, I'm just doing it because I can and it isn't a big deal. Just something that's been weighing on my mind.

I could really use a hug right now.