WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

Time to start a new thread... here's the last one:
WHG's last thread
To bring things up to current:

• W and kids move out in 15 days
• W has everything she needs, paperwork and agreement wise, to file for D
• Kids have been told and we're all working through it

I guess not a lot to say right now...

@Figg: I am grateful I can have an R with SS and SD. I need to remind myself of this though when I get depressed. I also need to remind myself it is a positive. Back in August the R between SS and myself hit an all-time low point. Shortly thereafter came the bomb, then the reading of DR, then self-realization, and then a lot of work to repair my R with SS and SD (but particularly SS). I see SS's drive to join my youth volunteer group as a huge validation of those efforts. I also see my W's support of him and her willingness to have me in their lives as a positive. I don't know that, six months ago, this would have been the case.

And a little journaling...
W is freaking out right now about whether her employer will pay for her schooling this summer. Her whole plan is predicated on this happening. If she can't go back to school then she can't keep her student loans in deferral. If her loans aren't deferred then she's in some serious financial straights. She is not one who deals with anxiety well... so it's going to be a stressful time (as if it isn't already) around here until she gets the news.

S is struggling this week with the D. We're starting to see the sad/frowny/unhappy drawings... they break my heart. The irrational fears are also coming up now... "will the house have furniture?" "I'm scared that mommy won't have money for food for us." "I'm scared there will be big rats in the house." It's just hard to hear your child so scared of something that they shouldn't have to experience in the first place. Right now S is seeing the school counselor every so often for some play therapy.

SD is really struggling but won't talk about it. She's just mad most days and lashing out at people. She refuses to see a counselor but may end up with one anyway, time will tell.

For me... well, I don't know. Good days and bad ones. Can run from happy to devastated in very short time frames. Lots of boxes around the house with stuff getting packed make it hard. Lots of memories being divvied up is hard too.

My W... well, she is what she is and will do what she will do. I have noticed the last few days she keeps wanting to draw me closer. Perhaps the thing I find most ironic is that each of the past three days she's felt the need to tell me her Facebook post at some point in the day. Mind you... she's blocked me from seeing her Facebook updates. So what is the point of blocking someone and then just telling them anyway. I really don't get her.

In all honesty I'm really very sad about the coming move. I still can't quite believe it's happening I guess. I can't believe that I'll wake up on a regular basis without my S in the house, or that SS and SD will effectively no longer live here. There are times I wish it was just done already. That the house was mine and the schedule was in place and all that. But that's the "need for routine and safe space" me talking. The other part of me is still very, very sad.

I need to get back to exercising. I need to find my center again. Since W moved to the basement I've lost my morning exercise routine and it's killing me. I'm looking forward to getting that back. GAL tomorrow night, GAL Saturday... maybe some GAL on Sunday too.