I don't know what I would do without the support from this site!!! I wish I could hug every one of you....so.... (((((((((((((((((((((((((from purg))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

My mind seems to be all over the place tonight. I can't seem to get out from under this cloud that has taken up residence in me today. I went out tonight- nothing fancy just ran some errands (without the kids- so it feels like a treat!), did a little shopping, got lost in a different part of town.... All the while, random thoughts keep running through my head:
*I am still really mad/hurt by exBFF for what she is doing to my family. I hope that it's all worth it- losing me as her friend, making it uncomfortable to be around my goddaughter (S16 is the one who really suffers there).
*I wonder if they even notice that I'm not there when everyone gets together. Was I always that invisible?
*How can H and exBFF be so cruel to me? They both used to care about me... how does that just disappear??
*I'm sad. For many reasons.
*I'm going to miss my babies, but I really need to take this trip away from everything so I can try to compose my emotions.

All the music in EVERY store and in my care was about love, lost love, new love, blah, blah, blah.... didn't help my mindset tonight.

I came home, and H was getting out of the shower, he didn't expect me home so he only has shorts on- THAT was really hard for me to see. I've been desperate for affection of any kind- and my mind starting racing with things I wanted to do and wondering if he would stop me.... I managed to contain myself.

That's another thing... I know that he has cut himself off emotionally, but how can there be no desire for anything physical from him?? (getting into a touchy subject here) I personally could really use him as a friend with benefits right now, I NEVER thought I would be able to consider something like that...but then again, I never thought I would be in this type of sitch with my H either. **Physical stuff was an issue in the M. After our first S, I hardly initiated, and could honestly take it or leave it. H took it personally and started to develop self-confidence issues. Lord knows I would love to do a 180 on this issue right now!! But that's not possible since he has shut down from me.... how will H EVER KNOW that I've worked out *those* demons and that it wouldn't be an issue in a new R???

Like I said, my brain is all over the place. I really wish it would stop and find something positive to land on. I've tried getting excited about my trip and all the family I'm going to see... but then I'm reminded of *the reason* I'm going on my trip. Will H notice my absence? Will I be missed for more than house chores?

I hate the nights where the negative's creep back in.


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12