Well, it's been several years since I was on the DB boards. I successfully moved on and survived my first marriage's demise, and met my second wife about 1 year later. After dating for about 1.5 years, I broke up with her after feeling taken advantage of and unappreciated. We were apart for about 9 months during which time she had an intimate R with the guy across the street. She ended it with him despite calling him her "best friend" and then we started dating again, and married about 5 months later. During our 1.5 year marriage, her spending went crazy, she poured about $ 24k of my money into her home that she co-owned with her mother, and I ended up having to declare bankruptcy. The separation occured 6 months ago, and there have been brief moments of promise followed by rough times. She attended 2 MC sessions with me before quitting, while I attended 3 more before opting out as well (my thought was what is the use, as it takes two to tango). I've chased, I've bought her gifts, I've continued to provide $ support. I stumbled upon an active email line through my work (she must have logged onto my old work computer prior to our separation). Low and behold, she had multiple emails all from the prior two weeks back and forth with this former lover. I confronted her about it, she called me controlling, said I'd never been her best friend, and said that he was, and that she couldn't take it any more and wanted a divorce. Truthfully, I am beat. I feel exhausted, humiliated, and confused. I used to have such a high reverence for marriage, and tried so hard to do the right thing to save my first marriage, but I feel almost numb now.
No advice, I failed at saving my 1st M even though I DB'd for 2 years. Now 8 yrs later back with my 2nd M, though I am honestly not DBing a 10th of what I did the first time. DB did save me the first time around. So just wanted to say, youre not alone and welcome back though I know youd rather not be here.
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11
Hi Hope2011, Thank you for your response. I also am here to try my best at saving "me" as there is a lot of mistruth and false portrayals being used right now that really mess with my head. While W covers her tracks with this OM or just shows apathy, I'm labeling as "mean" or "controlling" for wanting time with her or for keeping up effort.
I think I jumped right into the tail end of my marital pattern. It seems like I am close to having to "drop the rope" in order to keep some semblance of sanity.
Thanks Kaffe Diem. I knew it would be wise to go back to the DB site to be challenged.
She didn't cause me to go bankrupt, truthfully. We married, both upside down in our houses, she went unemployed, then her XH stopped paying CS on their 3 children, and I ended up working 3 jobs to try to make it, but we still sunk.
She has Bipolar D, but it was getting managed pretty well with meds. Impulsive behavior was present before - she was arrested for redirecting meds as a nurse, impulsive sexuality. Things were quieted. I knew of these vulnerabilities, but went ahead thinking we could work it out.
How are the 2 Ms the same? My W1 was mildly borderline, with great drama and need for attention. W2 also tends to be erratic with less consistent behavior. Same theme of some unpredictability when I came home. Same theme of less nurturant women. Same level of neediness developed over time on my part - neglecting my own self-care or GAL behavior.
It was a different M in that W2 was so much more devouted as a mother. To a fault, as in neglecting the M, but that was a sharp contrast.
All in all, I want love, I want to be in a R that feeds me, that helps me to grow as a person. W2 and I are different, and this sitch especially this past year has sucked, but I want her back and I want my M with her. If it doesn't work, then I want her and I to be in healthy better places.
I knew of these vulnerabilities, but went ahead thinking we could work it out.
Here's your problem, right here.
You had a woman with a serious mental disorder, past evidence of drug abuse and inappropriate sexual behavior, who you broke up with one, and you married her after only 5 months back together??????? And you are asking us how to get her back, when you SHOULD be asking us to help you figure out what's wrong with you that you made such a BAD choice?
REally - don't you think you're worth having a SANE woman?
Can't sleep - head racing, stomach churning. Is love ever rational?
I know - I'm heading back to do some individual work in counseling with a therapist who really challenges me. I am worth a sane woman, and I thought she was that.
I do still have hope for her, but I am very curious about why I'm in this sitch again... I'm 44yo now, times ticking by, and I would love to be in a loving R. Perhaps that same desparation or fear about being alone led me to jump to M with W2 instead of giving us enough time to truly discern what was right for us/me.
I was here for a while much earlier, years ago - and I obviously forget about what worked for me.
It was an amazingly intense chaotic 1.5 years - my son broke his arm severely, wife and I had surgeries, building debt leading to current foreclosures and bankruptcies. I had to put my son's beloved dog down after it bit a neighbor child.
I'm horrified at where I am and how quickly I got here.
Truthfully, there isn't much more distance til bottom, and I do want to move back upward to break the surface and breathe again...
You're right - it would be good to reread those texts again. Even with stress the way it is, I'm sure there are things I could put into play to get back on my feet.
I have to add that I do think there is hope. When R was fine and balanced, there was a major positive effect on both W and me. Now that it is distressed, there is a major negative effect from it on both of us.
KML, I see your point about chronic issues, but I also have seen her at her best. I don't think it wise to pigeon-hole or limit her based on a diagnosis. I think we are all a bit flawed and all have great strengths as well.
