How bad was it before? Honestly, I thought not all that bad. There was never any physical violence, we went to dinner's, I bought flowers every now and then, romantic surprises. But we argued regularly, a lot of financial frustrations and the conversation would often end with me throwing up my hands and saying stuff like, 'you're an idiot'.
IMO, that's pretty bad stuff! It's bad when a couple argues regularly. It's bad when one spouse calls the other spouse names. You've admitted you didn't build her up and shot down her self-esteem. Is there any wonder she might feel special when another man talks sweetly to her?
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Forgive? I don't know, I think so.
I hope you'll listen very carefully to what I'm about to tell you. If you think forgiving her for the A is a one time thing.....you're very mistaken. As hard as it is to forgive her for having an affair, it gets harder. Know why? B/c you have to continue forgiving her over & over & over again. You have only began on this extremely difficult journey, and I can tell you that it's going to make you realize what you're made of before the hurting stops. Every time something reminds you of the A, or maybe she'll have a far away look in her eyes, or you won't be able to reach her on the phone as quick as you think you should......all these little things that makes your mind jump back to what she's done.....then you'll have to forgive her again.
Resentment? Anger? Mistrust? Bitterness? All these things are capable of over taking your soul and ruining the rest of your life. Love, acceptance, and forgiveness is what you will need to find in your own heart before you can find it in hers.
As good as her intentions are about ending the A, her addiction and her emotional needs will not cooperate nearly as well as her intentions. She will be sorely tested to return to the one who made her feel pretty, smart, sexy, and every other wonderful way that she wasn't getting from the man she M. And, as someone pointed out, the A didn't fizzle out in its own speed, but was interrupted. So how many times will she wonder "what if"? Every time you call her an idiot and stupid!!! That's how many! Every time she's reminded that you don't appreciate her, or when you start to get tired of being on good behavior and buying flowers......that's how many. Every time you doubt her, question her, treat her shabby, accuse her, and bring up the A....that's how many! Every time she feels lonely, shut out, ignored, and devalued.....that's how many.
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She lied about this, she could as easily lie about not hearing from him again.
She could, yes. She was very vulnerable when the EA started, and she's still vulnerable. That's why she will need a lot of support and encouragement. Most of all, she needs to believe a future with you is much better than with OM. I think that requires a lot of positive action on your part.
Remember what you said about how often she went to the train station to get you when your sorry a$$ was so drunk you couldn't get home by yourself? And, she kept doing that for how many years? What's incredible to me is how she didn't nag you about the disrespect you continued to show her, heck she didn't even question your actions. But, you're going to question her, aren't you?
Yes, you have a trust issue. Anyone reading your thread (even before you knew she had an A) would know that, and you admitted it. So, that's going to be extra tough for you. But if you want this MR to survive, you've got to show her you choose to trust her. Don't act as her judge & jury. Don't try to punish her. Believe me, she'll do enough of that to herself.
I suggest you get counseling just by yourself. Maybe she needs IC, too. If you have a pro-M C, then seeing him/her together would probably help. But both of you need guidance and an A recovery program to work with you on a very frequent basis.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!