Outside the Scope of This Report

[angel61]

Sorry my thoughts sometimes are jumbled I am reading and typing between work....

[sleeper]

angel61,

I believe your description of mlcer confusion as to what they want is accurate. I felt I was getting mixed signals from my mlcer in the beginning within the first 6 months post-bomb.

I made two mistakes ("Its up to the LBS") that I believe sealed the fate of my M. It was touch and go in the beginnang and I believe my actions made it "go". I had ordered two tickets to a concert and invited X. She was non-commital about going but didn't say "no". The day of the concert I stopped by her place after work to get a final answer. She said she didn't have a babysitter lined up and didn't see how she could go. Not wanting to waste the other ticket I asked a mutual female friend of ours just a couple of hours before the concert explaining I had the extra ticket. I thought this was a safe choice as she was a childhood friend of X and I had known her since X and I began dating. Wrong. X went ballistic, saying I had taken her best friend out on a "date". X came to my apt that night and became physically violent. I could have had her arrested but only filed a police report the next day.

The second mistake (or not) was not going along on what had previously been an annual family vacation with her and the kids. We were still separated but I had agreed to go along. Along the way I found out OM was supposed to come down for the end of the week which explained why I was invited for only the first part of the week. Then the day prior to the trip she spewed at me pretty bad while I was going out of my way to help her by taking her car to be serviced. I decided being cooped up in a condo for a week together wasn't such a good idea after all, a decision made easier by my discovery the OM was scheduled to be there the end of the week after I left. She even called and offered to pay for a separate hotel room for me if I'd go. As it turned out OM didn't go either.

This angered her even more, as she claimed I had gone back on my word and when she returned from the trip she came straight to my place. I made her leave immediately because she had our son with her and the previous time she was there she beat me black and blue (literally). I didn't want DS to witness something like that. My forcing her to leave my apt put her off some more. Three months later she would slap me in front of both kids for the crime of hiring a lawyer of my own in response to hers filing for D. It was shortly after this incident she gave her lawyer the go ahead to file.

Confusion? Cake eating extraordinaire? Selfishness unparalled? A little of all three? I'll never know but I wish I'd handled those two events differently.

[job]

Sleeper,
The mcler does send out mixed signals all of the time because they are so confused and their wiring in their brains is sparking. Everything becomes a "jumbled mess" for a very long time and that's why mixed signals are being sent out to us.

Confusion is one of the major keys in depression/mlc. However, don't beat yourself up over what decisions you had made. There is never a right or wrong way in dealing w/them. Had she done what you did, you most likely would have been fine w/her actions. However, she still wanted to dictate to you just where you should be and when. She tended to "conveniently forget" that you were separated and a grown man and could do what you wanted, as long as it didn't interfer with the children. In the mlcer's mind, we should be right where they left us and jump when they want us. In the real world, that might happen for a period of time, but we then begin to heal and move on. They hate that when we do begin to focus on other things and are not as miserable they are.

Your situation was all three, i.e., confused, cake-eating and very selfish.

Sleeper, you've come a long way and sound so much better.

[angel61]

Sleeper, was your xW violent prior to that event? i think though that violence is inexcusable, especially when it happens repetetively, and even if you did make mistakes, you are still better off without your xW.

What I meant about the LBS sealing the fate of the M.... in many cases, it is the LBS who files. I remember many times that I had to literally hold on to my seat to keep from coming home and packing my clothes when I was so fed up with my H texting and taking to OW.

I knew though that ultimately, my H would come back. I work on GAL, 180's, detaching, and my own shortcomings.

I gave H space to figure out things. I did not pursue. True, I backslid evey now and then and forced R talk, or snooped, or demanded and controlled.... but it made matters worse every single time. Those tyimes grew farther and farther apart. We would go back to living our lives together but apart, and trying to make it work for our daughter. It was tough, but in my mind, worth trying.

At first H was so much "in love"with OW. Then he started to waver. Then he realized it would be foolish to give up his life for OW, as he had so much invested in us, his family. But then he felt stuck, because he believed he no longer loved me. He was miderable, as he felt OW had rejected him. He had terrble withdrawal. I felt hurt, rejected, worthless. But after Retrouvaille, he started to see that love is a choice.

He decided to choose love, and so now we are working on it! Finally, we have hope.....

But had I not been patient, we would not be in piecing now. But thanks to this board, and God, we are now in a better place. Though not out of the woods, it is 1000x better than last year.....

[WenikiTiki]

Thanks to all for all the posts. I am a bit vauge sometimes when I post. I understand what both Snodderly and Angel said. I am pretty sure my H is over the idea to cash in his IRA. And if he did, I have bank records of it. So I wouldn't lose it, i would just get more cash from the sale of the house.

And I think the fact that people are telling me that there are other fish in the sea is just them being caring and not wanting me to continue being hurt, if that is the path he takes. I am not running out to date. But yes, it is good to know that life does go on even if it doesn't go how we planned.

I called my H a little while ago, to clarify what he said last night. He was speaking to me in a kind way. He seemed clear-headed, and resolved in his decision to move on with me. He actually told me about some houses he saw in our old hometown that he was excited about.

I know he still needs some time to grieve. I'm still not sure we've heard the last out of OW. I'm sure some dreadful problem will come up and she will need rescued. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I talked to a lawyer on the phone before, and my H's reaction was very extreme. In his world if I got any papers drawn up, it would mean we were done. He lives in a black and white world.

Right now I plan to just hide and watch. For the next few days I will just observe and see if I need to protect myself more. I feel that by having gathered all the money records and having them in a safe place I have got what I need in case he jumps on the MLC Express Train.

Sleeper: Thanks for your story. I do keep thinking if I handle these things in a certain way that I will stand a better chance of coming through this as a couple.

[job]

Wendy,
I'm glad to see that your have your financial papers filed away somewhere safe.

I'm glad your h is talking to you about houses in your old home town. It sounds like he's thinking clearly at the moment. I do hope and pray that the ow will leave him alone, but like you, she'll call again if something comes up. Let's pray that he is stronger and can tell her no or better yet, not take her calls.

You've been doing a great job of sitting and observing. I always advise people to sit quietly and the answers will fall into their laps. I'm sure the same will happen for you too.

How's the weather there? What's the temp? I was there a few years ago and enjoyed my time there. Everyone was very friendly and I can't say enough about the beaches and waterfalls and most importantly the food!

Wendy, take care of yourself.

[WenikiTiki]

Oh Snodderly, I will hate to leave Hawaii!

It is actually sort of cool right now. I turned the ceiling fan off..... But all the windows in the house are open.

I just washed the dogs and am sitting here in a wet bathing suit. I just wandered out to the lanai and the thermometer says 76 degrees.

The beaches, waterfalls, mountains and people here ARE nice. I have been to Kauai, The Big Island and Maui also. All amazing. We plan to take our boat to Molokai, not sure when. My son and his frinds have taken to boat over there several times. His friend is filming a spearfishing film.

One of my big sources of unhappiness is how hard we worked to get that boat here (17 days at sea and about 6 months of me living on the boat to prep.) AND now I never get to go out on it! I sure hope H can stop being sad so we can go back to enjoying it here while we still live here.

Again, thanks to all for reading along. It gives me strength to know I have folks on my side!

Aloha,

Wendy

[angel61]

Glad to hear that you H is being kind, Wendy! I do think you are on the right track. I kind of panicked when I saw the advice to you on hiring a lawyer because I had a feeling that your H would have that kind of reaction.... especially at the stage he is in.

One thing about the MLC'er seeing that we are not miserable .... although at first they may hate us for not being in the same boat as they are, there comes a point that they start wondering why we are not, and sometimes, wonder and appreciation will start from that. My H asked me once how I could be so strong, and happy, and still love him inspite of all his faults. I told him that happiness is something you can find within yourself. He thought about that a lot, and now it is one of the things he has told me he is actively working on!

I love Hawaii too, we go visit there every year. I can imagine how hard it would be to leave.

Yes, sit back wait and see. Let it play out by itself. Let your H find his way.

Once your M gets stronger, you need not worry about OW anymore. It will get to that point. My H once said to me that the circumstances which made the EA happen was unique, and the state of our M was the one that contributed to it. IN other words, the EA/OW was a symptom of what was missing in our M. Part of it was my fault, part of it was his. But when we started doing the work to improve on it, when he made the decision to commit and love, I started to understand that the OW no longer mattered.

I am not saying that I do not feel the hurt and the anger when I remember, but I am able to rationalize now and put it out of my head.

[kml]

I am pretty sure my H is over the idea to cash in his IRA. And if he did, I have bank records of it. So I wouldn't lose it, i would just get more cash from the sale of the house.

Are you sure of that? If no one has filed for separation, I would think any expenditures are just assumed to be mutually agreed-upon decisions. As in - you and H decided to cash out his IRA to spend on whatever, now later you file for divorce and that money is just gone and not part of any equation.

See, this is why I recommend seeing a lawyer. Your H doesn't have to know. It doesn't mean you're going to file. You just need to FIND OUT where you stand financially if her leaves, and what you need to do to safeguard your finances.

[beatrice]

Hmmmm well I am not sure I agree with 'don't file if you want to save your marriage' I didn't file, my xh did eventually, and as a result I am substantially worse off than if I had filed within a reasonable period. I am totally opposed to divorce, but MLC is not a usual or predictable state, however much we see of it on these boards!

So if I had filed I might be sitting here thinking that if I hadn't, he might have come back. Some do and some don't, but really MLC is all about them. If we have issues we need to address, and most of us do, then deal with those. Detach for your own sake, but do not expect them to come through this. It is wonderful when someone 'wakes up' and sort themselves out, but I am not sure it is a very large percentage

And as for it being anything we said or did, I absolutely do not believe that. I used to but I think they come through it or they don't. It is their journey, not ours.

I loved my husband and I have let him go, let go of the hurt, pain and abuse. I don't want any of it in my life any more. I had a great marriage, a rough period, and now I am fine, and I regret nothing.