Single parenting

[mainemom1]

I've reached the point where I truly believe my marriage is a thing of the past. I still have twinges but I try to igore them. My main concerns now are my kids and my finances. So I have two questions. One is about parenting: Co-parenting or parallel parenting? I think at this point I'm parallel parenting. Works for now. Talking to my ex still makes me sick to my stomach and we didn't communicate while married so why would that change now?
The other is how does everyone make ends meet? Right now I work part time with hours that fluctuate and also receive child support and alimony. The alimony is only for five years but as long as he pays its a good cushion for me until I get back on track. I also get a portion of his retirement pay until either I remarry or he dies. However, I want to become self sufficient which I'm not.

[SunFunOne]

Hi MM,

Well, I've been here for over 10 years so I can tell you what worked for me.

Like your H, mine was involved with the kids but the majority of parenting fell to me. SInce our nasty D - I kept custody - youngest was 12. He saw them "when he could" and paid support "when he felt like it". Nail these things down in court.

Truth is - I was able to parent even easier without him in the picture contracting my decisions. Raising a teen girl who was devastated by her dad's departure was NOT EASY. But his anger and abusiveness would have made it worse and daughter and I somehow made it through those years and at 23 - she is a wonderful woman.

In many situations - co-parenting works out for the best. But it is not for everyone.

As for finances - I had a good job and a big dream house. I decided that (although I was doing fine with it) I should downsize. Bought a smaller house in the same neighbourhood so I had more savings for retirement and it all worked out for the best. I've since moved on with new man and have a big house again though LOL

Do whatever you can to increase your hours at work or your earning potential. Raising kids and especially educating them is very costly. But worth it. Everyone should work their hardest to be self sufficient because we never know what lies ahead. One thing is certain...

There are no guarantees in life.

Best wishes to you. Sounds like you have some New Years Resolutions in your head.

Barb

[figgeroni]

When I first divorced, I had 2 toddlers and no child support or alimony...no help.

I worked my a@@ off

put the kids in daycare and filed for daycare assistance

my credit was ruined and I finally started building it back up when I remarried Husband#2. We had a joint checking account and unbeknownst to me, he took my SS# and info and filed for joint credit cards etc and then when he left he cleaned me out and left me 1000s in debt more than before

so

still no child support or alimony and even more in the whole

I continued to work my tusch off and have finally eeked out or debt (except for student loan payments) and paid off all the joint cards (since they were joint, it doesn't matter it is still on my credit rating...I can take him to civil court and get a judgment against him)

it's a hard road and there are no easy answers

decide what is most important
set the goal
work for it

[mainemom1]

Thanks for the responses. I know alot of people have it way worse than I do. I just want to get the the point that if the ex did drop the ball as far as paying child support/alimony it would only be a dent in my savings account. He can't do anything about the retirement thats all mine. My job right now is at a large daycare-ages 6 weeks to teen. As long as I'm at work my d can attend free. Huge bonus right now, and for a couple of years. However like I said previously the pay fluctuates and since it is a nonprofit they squeeze pennies until they scream. Totally understandable. However getting extra hours is like pulling teeth. I would prefer to work a different field anyway so trying to get a full time position would involve a lot of training I don't feel is worth it. I do have a 4 year degree in business studies. So I am looking for positions that would be useful in though I don't have experience in that area yet. It would have to be entry level.
As far as parenting. I wish we could co-parent but we didn't even do tht while we were married. He almost never put any input into anything. When he did he didn't back it up with any action. For example, he would tell the kids or me that they needed to study for an hour after school. Then he would leave it to me to enforce it. We didn't discuss it and he didn't do anything but resent the fact that I wasn't always following his directions.
Even now he started off after the divorce having my youngest doing all these extra things like writing her alphabet every time she was there. I haven't heard otherwise but I think he has already stopped doing that and I know he hasn't been keeping up with her reading assignments because he hasn't posted an entry in her log for over a month. I don't feel its my job to point any of this out to him anymore I just take care of what needs taken care of when she is here which is most of the week so that works out fine.
However, he is doing a hideous job with my oldest d. She wanted to stay with whoever was staying in the marital home, which was him. I might have ridden out staying there until she graduated but he started bringing the girl "friend" around three weeks after the divorce (he was in the apartment over the garage)so I had to get out of there. If I'd known what would happen after I moved I would have tried harder to stay. Anyway, he lets her spend every weekend at her boyfriend's which is just a terrible example to set for her and her sister and also it shows how little he actually cares about them now. Everything is about him. So,yeah,co-parenting not an option in my opinion.

[mainemom1]

I've been reading but not posting for awhile now. Today is not the best. My youngest got home from visit with her father last night and told me about spending time with her sister, who I very rarely see now. I feel like it is just one more thing I lost in the divorce. I know a lot is my oldest D dealing with the pain of the situation and a lot is also that she is 17. Still its hard to go from at least seeing her every day to maybe once every week or so and only when I go to see her. Also when I start feeling bad about anything that has to do with the divorce I rehash everything including the situation with my ex. I'm tired of being hurt and angry and worried and scared.

[antlers]

I'm tired of being hurt and angry and worried and scared.

Then stop.
"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars". - Emerson
I saw that posted recently and thought it was enlightening.
We all have experiences regarding our divorces that involve profound losses for us. Suffering and loss. But I'm learning, and have learned a great deal, that it will not get better with just the passage of time. I had to take positive actions during that passage of time. Steps, for me anyway. Accepting God's forgiveness. Then forgiving myself, and accepting that forgiveness (took me three years to do that). And then...forgiving her...for the pain that she caused me. That was a big one. I did it though...and continue to do it. And it has made a positive difference for me. I couldn't have imagined doing that just a short time ago. I did it for me...and it has helped me.

[mainemom1]

Thanks for the response. It was mostly just a bad night. Usually its something my youngest says that catches me offguard. I know she is completely innocent and doesn't say anything to upset me but sometimes she brings something up that reminds me a little too vividly of how different everything is now. Mostly I'm much better and improving all the time!

[mainemom1]

I don't know how this will work out but I decided to start a home business selling as a rep fro a well known cosmetics/jewelry company.Don't want to mention which one cause I don't know if that is taboo. I don't know if anything will come from it but I need to do something that feels like I'm taking a positive step forward at least as far as moving my financial situation is concerned. My oldest D seems to be better the last couple of times I've seen her. That is good. My youngest though has become needy. She went to her dad's two nights in a row and called me four times during her stay. Also she says she gets scared over there. She says she tries to get her dad to let her sleep in his room. He says no according to her. I said she could call me and she said he wouldn't let her. I asked why and she said it was because it was 2 am. I told her I would tell him that I was available to her anytime she wanted to call which I did. I don't know if that is overstepping bounds but if he can't make my D feel safe than that is his problem. Anyway now she is fretting some over her week in Feb. with him.

[cat03]

good luck with the rep home buss! I know many ladies doing wonderfully... I'm unemployed and get food assistance (waited til the last moment, but it helps lots) and do freelance from home while trying to get a job.
I save money by making sure we don't eat out more than 1x a week, 2 pushing it if we have to. No more shopping just because it is on sale. No cable, pay 7 bucks for Netflix. Kids know not to ask for unnecessary things that they can't pay with their allowance.
It's tight but managing it somehow. Do you own a home? I'm applying for a load modification and see where that goes, cant' hurt to try.
A book that helped me heal was "healing without scars", awesome. And above all, clinging to God, throwing all my anger hurt and confusion at him, I still can't believe how he carried all that sorrow away, it's been 3 yrs and I don't hurt over x anymore.

[kat727]

Good luck to you as well. I don't really co-parent but yet I sort of do. My boys don't go to their Dad's but my 16 year old will go on the once a week thing for a few hours if he isn't working. My S19 rarely does anything with him but then again he has a busy life.

My ex makes the girls do the every other weekend and while I can't agree with everything I know that he does love them. His time and his relationship with the kids are just that, HIS. I only throw a few cents in here and there and he has asked that if the kids are sick I let him know. He doesn't do much about it just knows. I do know that it bothers him to no end that the 5 of us are a family and he is no longer included in that. What can he expect, he left. Anyway, he married his affair partner and he has been considerate enough to not bring her to our kids functions.

As more time passes and you focus on your life and the kids when they are with you, the pain will lesson and you will amaze yourself with how strong you really are.

kat