Wife in "D - Freight Train Mode"

[Grmpy_Mnky]

BL, Kd is right. I am in total LRT. I do not, nor will I see my W right now. I make it a point to stay clear of her. Two reasons:

- When I see her I loose "it". Just to emotionally volatile right now and I know this will only result in backsliding if I see her.

- For me, it is of paramount importance that I keep my distance. I have found, in this very short time, that this facilitates detaching.

I sincerly hope that at some point in the forthcoming weeks that I can begin to have personal contact with her whilst keeping my composure. I'm also forced to do this because she is steadfast in her resolve to end this marriage. No "maybe's" or "some day" about it.

Keep in mind - we are all different. My approach may not be right for you.

Good luck and hange in there!

[~ kd ~]

My W MAY or may not be MLC. I have and am still in LRT, going on about 11 months.

Every sitch is different. I, at first, could not be in the same room with my W for the same reason as you, Mnky. Now, I can do that. I still don't trust myself if we are discussing R in any way.

Here's the thing, and people talk about how long they stay mad...

Some, it happens like a boomerang and the WAS can come back all "OMG I so miss you and I want to spend time with you and chat and I just don't want to be M because right now I need my space..."

For me (and others, sometimes)... LRT all you want and they stay mad... *shrug*...

As an example, we have an SA which spells out time with the kids. My W sends me an email asking if I'm getting the kids and how to arrange pickup... I hadn't thought it would be any different than as described in the SA, although our "plan" is to be flexible"...

So I fire off an email to her just saying that I didn't have any clear plans and even (joked) that she could bring the kids to me... this email was literally laced with about 10 smiley faces...

My W (I can't mind read, but figure she needed to calm down after reading the email) says in no uncertain terms that she would NOT be bringing the kids to me... I'm like... WTF...???

I respond back saying that I was joking and she responds back saying how it's hard to read "tone" in email... ummm... hunh?

OK, so I have to figure out what I can do to change THAT dynamic...

Anyhow, point is, there's got to be some way for me to behave in a way that can cut through her anger... but then again... only she can choose to dump the anger... only she knows IF or when that might happen...

But that does not mean I'm no contact. That stuff pretty much bounces off me, now... It's a matter of controlling our REactions when we do have contact... and detaching is the solution...

[Mach1]

What KD said.....^^^^^^

And to add one thing.

LRT, going dark, sticking your head in a bucket....whatever you wanna call it.

Is for you to protect yourself...

NOT to induce a reaction from your spouse

[kolja]

I'm also in the boat of not having kids and had wondered the same thing you asked - but hadn't figured out a 'graceful' way to answer it. I didn't want to sound like I was JEALOUS of couples in this situation with children, because I know that adds a significant layer of stress and it has to be a horrible thing for the children to go through. But at the same time, I did feel like it presented opportunities for the spouses to interact with each other (and see changes, and the whole nine yards) that those of us without them don't have. So I'm glad you asked the question, because the answers were enlightening!

Mach1, you said something interesting - "LRT, going dark, sticking your head in a bucket....whatever you wanna call it.
Is for you to protect yourself...NOT to induce a reaction from your spouse." While it's UNDOUBTEDLY helped me to keep my sanity, I DO seem to remember reading (and I may be mistaken - if so I hope to be corrected) that in so doing we're also giving the walk-away spouse the emotional space to consider something OTHER than JUST getting away. I seem to remember reading that when one spouse is really into trying to proactively work on and save the marriage, all the reluctant spouse can focus on is how much they want to get away.

[kolja]

...oh (sorry, can't edit posts, forgot this before hitting submit), the other similarity in our situations is that my wife is ALSO apparently full steam ahead on the divorce process. She said she did the papers (you can apparently do them online, which just seems plain wrong somehow), and just needs them notarized.

[Mach1]

- "LRT, going dark, sticking your head in a bucket....whatever you wanna call it.
Is for you to protect yourself...NOT to induce a reaction from your spouse."

While it's UNDOUBTEDLY helped me to keep my sanity, I DO seem to remember reading (and I may be mistaken - if so I hope to be corrected) that in so doing we're also giving the walk-away spouse the emotional space to consider something OTHER than JUST getting away. I seem to remember reading that when one spouse is really into trying to proactively work on and save the marriage, all the reluctant spouse can focus on is how much they want to get away.

I'll agree with that.

The problem is, that while the wounds are still raw from having their chest ripped open.....the LBS usually reacts from an emotional place instead of a rational place.

The space and time allow the LBS to heal and learn how to react without the emotion overtaking them.

IF...

The by product of that is the WAS taking a look back at them, then that is clearly a bonus.

Doing it with expectation of that happening, would mean that the LBS really hasn't changed at all.

[2thepoint]

"The problem is, that while the wounds are still raw from having their chest ripped open.....the LBS usually reacts from an emotional place instead of a rational place.

The space and time allow the LBS to heal and learn how to react without the emotion overtaking them.

IF...

The by product of that is the WAS taking a look back at them, then that is clearly a bonus."

I agree here ^^^^.

In my sitch, my W was on the verge of a nervous break down due to the self inflicted stress of deciding to walk away. She was getting physically and emotionally sick from having to face me every day. And so I moved out. Both for her and for me.

And it is a good thing I did as I was growing more and more resentful as each day passed. I've been out now for 2 1/2 months and at least we can tolerate each other and even have some decent conversations. Nothing yet resembling any sort of R but I remain hopeful.

What I can say now though is that I am in a much better frame of mind now than I was 3 months ago. I have my bad days but they are much more tolerable.

One has to hope that the time away has been good for both me and my W in terms of healing from the pain of it all.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

I think we all agree that LRT is good for the LBS. In just the last several days I feel waaay better than I have in awhile.

So, just returned from my L's office - first meeting. So glad I did this!

Super nice guy that believes in the sanctity of marriage. He told me that MS has a rather "antiquated" divorce law. Turns out both parties must agree to the divorce for it to even be filed. The other option requires the WAS to prove abuse etc..

L tells me not to sign anything and she will not get a divorce until I am ready for it. It appears she thought I was just going to go with it. Not gonna happen. Not right now anyway.

He also told me that she is definitly having PA. I dunno. I still do not see that, but everybody else on the sidelines says she is. Not important to me.

I can honestly say that this is the ONLY good thing about being stationed in MS!

[kolja]

- "LRT, going dark, sticking your head in a bucket....whatever you wanna call it.
Is for you to protect yourself...NOT to induce a reaction from your spouse."

While it's UNDOUBTEDLY helped me to keep my sanity, I DO seem to remember reading (and I may be mistaken - if so I hope to be corrected) that in so doing we're also giving the walk-away spouse the emotional space to consider something OTHER than JUST getting away. I seem to remember reading that when one spouse is really into trying to proactively work on and save the marriage, all the reluctant spouse can focus on is how much they want to get away.

I'll agree with that.

The problem is, that while the wounds are still raw from having their chest ripped open.....the LBS usually reacts from an emotional place instead of a rational place.

The space and time allow the LBS to heal and learn how to react without the emotion overtaking them.

IF...

The by product of that is the WAS taking a look back at them, then that is clearly a bonus.

Doing it with expectation of that happening, would mean that the LBS really hasn't changed at all.

Ah - gotcha. Thanks for taking the time to explain it. Now I can see the distinction, and completely agree with it.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

W emailed to ask if I would stop by Monday to take the dogs over to the boarder - she will out of town M-F next week. I know she is fiscally lean right now so I am not reading anything altruistic into this. I replied and simply "sure".

Got to thinking about it. I miss the dogs, a lot. I emailed her again and let her know I would take the dogs for the week while she was gone. Kinda firgured this is what she was looking for in the first place. She tanked me and let me know where all the dog stuff was. I said "K".

This is for me - I really miss the critters. Added bonus here with the W? Very tempted to say - Ah, sorry already have plans Monday better drop them off on Saturday before you head-out.

I can still do this. Any thoughts? I know this seems trivial - just not sure if I should let her see "life" on her own.