Too little too late?

[MichelleLT]

I have always been the LD partner. I am pretty content with once/twice as week as long as I get daily hugs and kisses. I definitely am a physical touch love language, but it doesn't have to be sex.

Almost 5 years ago now, my ex-husband left in the wake of me finding out he was having one PA and responding to online ads. There were problems with his alcoholism and PTSD after a deployment in Iraq with an infantry battalion. That was how I originally discovered MWD's work and this site.

A year and a half after our S, after one short-lived attempt at R before he ran back to OW, I was done. Beyond done. I was even feeling up to dating again. I dated around for a couple months, then met the man who's been my bf for the last 3 years. We each have our own houses that require us to be residents there (they can't be rented out as conditions of our mortgages), but we were spending every night together at one house or another. We also adopted a dog together about a years and a half ago.

For most of our R, he's been the HD person. Last summer, he started back in therapy. EMDR specifically. He had some bad depressions after his sessions and his therapist refused to continue EMDR til he went on ADs. He's been in Cymbalta since.

At first, he had insomnia and had low-grade nausea a lot. Then he started sleeping more. As soon as his head hit the pillow he was snoring most nights. He claims the Cymbalta doesn't affect his sex drive, maybe it doesn't, but it certainly affects his ability to orgasm. Sex had become less frequent and felt like more of a chore. I was always sore for 2 days after and if he came it would almost always be after I told him we needed to stop cuz I hurt and we would try oral or he would masturbate. Didn't really do wonder for my self-esteem, but I just kept telling myself it's the ADs, don't take it personally. All of a sudden I'm feeling like the HD partner though.

I try asking him to look at the 5 Love Languages with me, he looks at them, says they all are great ways to show love, and that's that.

I buy SSM, Passionate Marriage, and re-read Getting Through to the Man You Love. I feel like I'm trying to hit a moving target. So I refocus and think back. When we've talked previously about sex, he's always been big on lingerie. In the last 6 months I think I've spent $200 on totally impractical lacy bras and underwear, nighties, etc.

Somewhere before Christmas I was undressing for bed and had one of the new sets on. I took my time trying to get his attention. He looks over, asks if they're new, I say yes, he says the colors look very 80s and crawls into bed. *sexy vibe totally popped* Gee thanks.

When we'd be talking in the kitchen after work he usually just had a long list of complaints. His commute [censored], fixing up his yard and buying appliances for his house is really hurting his finances, his boss is a micro-manager, etc etc etc. Us was the only thing he wasn't complaining about. Being around someone who doesn't ever smile and complains every night is a total turn off, but I sucked it up and told myself he always loves it when you initiate sex, it'll be a good distraction. I tried being more flirty and touchy. He actually moved to the other side of the kitchen a few times!!!! The other times he either was totally oblivious or things went nowhere!!!!!!

I put some notes in a his work bag, he seemed to like that, but no sex resulted from it. Just a little flirting. Then when he'd get home it would be back to complain complain complain.

Before New Year's we working on a no sex streak of like 2 1/2 weeks. I was bound and determined we were not going to end 2011 that way, nor start 2012 that way. I did manage that, but that was the last time. Ironically, I was wearing nothing sexy or lacy or impractical. Go figure.

Shortly after the new year, I got another set of black/red lacy bra and undies and came out into the living room to model them for him. I was literally freezing my butt off as the house was 60 degrees, he looked up from the couch and said "that's nice" I stood there in shock. He came up with "really nice, sorry I'm distracted".

Then on January 10th, I got the ILYBNILWY. He says he doesn't feel desired by me (yes, because I'm prancing around in my bra and underwear and cold for my own benefit of course!!!!). That he feels like we've become "an old married couple" whatever the hell that means. I'm assuming it doesn't mean like my friends who are happy the kids have moved out so they can have sex anywhere in the house they want to again.

He also says we need to work on our communication. So I say, well what about couples therapy. He says that since there's no passion in our R, there's no point in couples therapy.

So I say why didn't you say anything before now? He says that he's talked to all his friends and his therapist and that he's tried talking to me before (that would be the conversations where he's told me he'd like me to buy lingerie and initiate sex more, and those were like a year previous to the ILYBNILWY) and that he doesn't think things will ever get better because he needs that gut "in love" feeling and that can't just be created.

Since then I've been mostly dark with him. He is very nice and friendly towards me when we do talk, says he misses puppy dog, but has made no move towards me whatsoever. I alternate between wanting to kill him and wanting to jump him. He acts like we can just go from being lovers for 3 years to just friends like nothing has happened!

He hasn't even come to get all his stuff from my house. He may be doing that this weekend.

I'm so confused. I can't decide if he wants me to pursue him or if he's really done!