Living with a WAW while going through a D part IV

[Rick1963]

Hi Oys2. I will attempt to answer your question and that of Kaffe's.

The recent realization for me is that I have used anger instead of the other feelings that one can think/feel. As Cat suggested, it is a learned behavior. Some was passed down by our father/mother and reinforced by many other variables that I have just become aware of. It is absolutetly essential especially at this stage of my M to use what I have learned. The truth is that I have felt anger even when there was no love involved. Such as in work but to a lesser extent. So I have to become comfortable when someone says or does something that makes me feel less than. I have to allow myself to feel disappointed about myself. I think the key word is to really allow yourself to feel that feeling and not put it out with anger.

For me I think anger was a more acceptable behavior if someone said I was stupid or something like that. It would not have been ok to just say, I agree I am a dumbass. And anger is less painfull than feeling low or bad about myself.

That is what has been going on in my head latetly. The other realization is that my father (and to some extent my mother) was admired by our social circle. He was viewed as an honorable man. People respected him even tho he had some serious outburst and they were very often. I am now wondering if they were just scared sh!!tless of him? Possibly. When you say you become defensive I think that is the same. Not wanting to feel criticized because it hurts. So you fight back even if they are making sense.

My W rarely gave me feedback or I was just not listening because I was to busy being right. Or she was afraid that I would get angry. All of them might be the case. Maybe all of them were the case. Hope I made some sense. This is very new to me.

@Kaffe
My goal is to no longer feel anger at its current level

I will know that I have arrived when I can automatically allow myself to feel all of the other wonderful feelings. And when my internal feeling extinguisher goes empty.

Hope it makes sense? Still not very clear to me.