it takes time but stick to your plan and work on yourself!! seems like you have done a lot of looking within yourself. not an easy task because it's not always nice to see what's there. takes a brave man to be willing to do that.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Thanks Barely, I appreciate your feedback and kind words.
I think I am hitting my first LRT low point... Today I am of the thought process why am I even putting myself through this/why bother. I had my physical today I am 37 and my blood pressure is off the charts compared to last year, same weight and physical condition so I wonder what the catalyst is...
The more I don't communicate with her the more that I can process the true ridiculousness of this situation. I love this woman and my stepchildren with all of my heart, but she has ripped me to shreds over the past 5 months... I don't know if I'm going to have it in me to keep going on when I get absolutely nothing back from her.
I cannot fathom what is going through her mind. And when I think about it all that it does is frustrate me to the nth degree. The whacky thing I was thinking about today is that she has rarely if ever has used the word divorce. Another tidbit that gives me false "hope"...
Today I don't even know if I want any hope, it would be so much easier just to say to heck with it. There are plenty of women who would love to value me for me without having to go through all of this emotional turmoil and nonsense.
A lot of thinking to do these days... :-(
Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
I don't have anything to offer right now except warm support for you. I did want to point something out here, and this is REALLY, REALLY, REALLY important for newbies who are LRT NEED to know:
Originally Posted By: Broken74
I think I am hitting my first LRT low point...
Those of us who find ourselves needing to LRT when we first come here... pretty much every one of us get into that panic mode...
"LRT doesn't work! ahhhhhhhhh!!!!! I need to talk to my spouse because they are going to leave me because I'm doing LRT and it's making them mad and I can't handle this LRT is dumb it's not working aaaaahhhhhhhhh I'm not gonna do it!!!!"
And all of us no-longer-newbies... even if we are still in LRT... have noticed the change... and the change is good... and it gets better... LRT WORKS!
Yes, there will be times in LRT when it feels like everything is getting better and we poke our heads out and get whacked by the alien on the other side... but eventually, we remember our helmets and we remember our fire proof suits and we remember our oxygen bubbles...
Thanks Kaffe, you always know exactly what to say :-) I greatly appreciate it, you be well too Sir. Tomorrow is another day!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
"LRT doesn't work! ahhhhhhhhh!!!!! I need to talk to my spouse because they are going to leave me because I'm doing LRT and it's making them mad and I can't handle this LRT is dumb it's not working aaaaahhhhhhhhh I'm not gonna do it!!!!"
And all of us no-longer-newbies... even if we are still in LRT... have noticed the change... and the change is good... and it gets better... LRT WORKS!
Yes, there will be times in LRT when it feels like everything is getting better and we poke our heads out and get whacked by the alien on the other side... but eventually, we remember our helmets and we remember our fire proof suits and we remember our oxygen bubbles...
and stepping out is good...
It gets better, B74...
Be well!
Amen brother..testify!!
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
ARRRRGH... Major LRT relapse... Had a lengthy conversation with W yesterday (she called) that went down a path it shouldn't have. The "positive" of the communciation that I took is that she would not say that she is dead set on filing the D in September. And in my ignorance I take this as a positive enounter, and violate practically all of the 37 rules of LRT engagement by sending the email below... _____________________________________________________________ It is important for you to know that I take ownership of my actions and inappropriate behaviors and have atoned for them as best I can. The way I handled myself at times was certainly inappropriate (reason being that the most important thing in the world to me, you, was at risk), and if I could go back and change the way I handled those things I certainly would but I can't.
I am at the end of rope in trying to figure out ways to show/prove to you the things that I have learned and changed in the last 6 months. Most important for you know is that all of my efforts since our breakdown are geared toward 1) making me a better man, then 2) In support of proving 1 to you to show if given a fresh start with you that I would be the man of your dreams and a role model that the kids can look up to. I am certainly not perfect and my attempts to make you jealous by mentioning other women are childish and immature. I have simply been trying everything I know to get "something" about this situation to change, but trying to make you jealous is stupid and counterproductive.
If you would take the time to compare our situation to others you will see that it is really not unique. Many couples have been through much worse and came out better on the other side of and had lifelong happiness and marriages. I am not a quitter and I know that you aren't either, I know how you feel about me right now but you need to realize that this type of life shaking situation has a profound effect on people, and it certainly has for me.
**excerpt from one of Michelle's articles** "It is said that people don’t change until they hit rock bottom and I can tell you first hand that the bottom doesn’t get any lower than the earth beneath these men’s feet. The threat of divorce generates true soul-searching. These are the men who readily schedule appointments for therapy, sign up for marriage seminars, read every self-help book they can get their hands on, seek spiritual connection and even risk vulnerability by discussing the f-word (feelings) with friends and family. Gradually, they become the husbands these women have been wanting.
But for so many women it’s “too little, too late,” or “I know this is not going to last. If I stay in this marriage, you will go back to your old shenanigans,” which, though completely understandable, is nonetheless, tragic. That’s because, rather than feign “appropriate husband behavior,” most of these men sincerely undergo a personal transformation that shifts their priorities forever. They typically make great second husbands. Every time a near-walkaway wife or her husband enters my office, I’m determined to do what I can to open her heart and mind to see the profound changes in her man. I’m often successful, but I must admit, this is one of the trickiest clinical knots to untie. I’d much prefer that couples really grasped the concept that time together is of utmost importance and that nagging, though well-intended, almost always backfires. That’s why I’m a huge proponent of marriage education. Falling in love is easy, staying in love is another matter. People need information and skills to stay in love. If I had my way, I’d teach myself out of a job."
You are a beautiful, driven, intelligent woman, but you don't know everything... I pray that at some point that you will go to counseling to discuss what has went on in your life and with us. If you choose to continue down the road of ending our marriage I will be forced to respect your decision because that is your choice. I actually meant the vows that I took on 5/21/10 with the intention of spending the rest of my life with you, for better or worse, in good times AND IN BAD. You know what type of man I am at my core, if you didn't you would not have married me. I did not "change" during the course of our marriage, I fell back into bad habits and chose to deal with my stresses and problems in inappropriate ways instead of seeking support and working them out with my wife. Although I will have to respect your decision, I will never back down from the position that if you do choose to end our marriage you will be making a tremendous mistake.
I continue to pray for you, me, the kids, and us daily, and pray that your heart will open to eventually see that contrary to the negative that you have concentrated on for the last 6 months, that our relationship has had many more ups than it had downs. I am asking you to please think about these things when you think about and plan where you and the kids lives are heading. We made a great team until the train ran off the tracks, that was largely my fault and now I know why that happened and have the skills to avoid it from ever happening again. It appears that with each passing day that you are going to choose to never see that... I hope that changes sometime in the future.
I am not asking for us to get back together, I am not asking you on a date, I am simply asking you to really think about where you are, what you are doing, and where you are heading. I hope I can be a friend that you can lean on when you think about these things. In the meantime I hope that you find happiness in whatever it is that you choose to do. _____________________________________________________________
AAARGH I'M SUCH AN IDIOT THAT'S WHY I AM IN THIS POSITION IN THE FIRST PLACE....
I certainly don't expect a response from this note and am tyring to think of the best recovery plan. The only think I can think of is to "restart" my LRT and actually STICK TO IT this time. Dang this is going to get so much harder before it gets easier...
Does anybody have any better suggestions? Good luck and god bless to all of you!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
Even though it seems pretty much everyone who knows my sitch on these boards thinks I'm better off without him, I wish *desperately* I'd stuck with LRT and did what you did. Would do it with success for at first a day.. then break it. Either with a nice letter like yours or worse, a mean one because I would online snoop and find stuff out that was bbbbbaaad.
You're right, your letter is not DB or LRT at all, but it is very powerful.
The only thing you really can do, is start at the beginning again. What's done is done. You backslid, but it's over. Let it propel you forward.
** sorry that was badly written, at first I would do it for a day, then break it, then 3 days, then break it, then a week... you get the picture. I never really have managed to do it.. ever. And now its too late for me! lol Grr!
Thanks guys I appreciate both your insight, back on the horse it is.... :-(
I have been on the exact path you describe 111, almost the same pattern, the longest I have made it fully is a week thusfar. That is simply going to have to change. I do have about 7 months to work with before anybody is eligible to file which is good I guess. I am bound and determined to hold strong through the month of February as a short term goal. This will include Valentines Day obviously (which has always been a huge thing for us) as well as my birthday. It's going to be very hard to do nothing for her on Valentines day (although I do think I'm going to send my stepkids a little something unless anyone thinks that's a bad idea), and it will be interesting to see if she acknowledges my birthday or not...
Man what a constant mental battle this is... That which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger though right? Thanks again!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
