i am thinking about your post of yesterday morning.
sometimes i am able to predict what will meet people's needs. sometimes i am not able to (and i can be so wrong!). it's a lot easier when people give me feedback. then i am not guessing. unfortunately, there is still this defensive part of myself that has strong preferences for the manner in which feedback is given. intellectually, i know that even my worst enemy can tell me valuable things about myself. or someone can go on an angry rant and there may well be some truth in what they say. yet, there are times when it's just hard to see that because i am also an emotional creature that goes into a form of arousal when i feel attacked, judged or criticized. i truly believe i am learning to manage this better and better, yet i would be lying if i said it's always easy.
i also know any relationship i am in is going to work better with feedback, especially constructive two-way feedback. so....here is what i liked about your post. you reported an honest reaction to a previous post, you reported your feelings about it (including vulnerable feelings besides anger), you took ownership of how you interpreted the message by using the phrase "i heard...", you were mature enough to recognize that what you heard and the sender said/meant may not be the same. furthermore, you did not question the good intentions of the sender, you did not attack the sender, you did not blame, you did not deflect responsibility.
as a result, and excuse me for making assumptions here, but i think they are reasonable, a person with good intentions that supports you was able to receive this valuable information.
how has this process worked within your marriage? is there opportunity - even at this stage - to use this type of skill in giving or receiving feedback? perhaps at this stage it's more about you listening and receiving. maybe your W gives feedback in the way we all hope for, maybe she doesn't. it would be interesting to hear some background here.
