waiting for the tides to change

[BFloat]

so last night i sent H a txt asking if he would be home in time to take S to school (since when he was here he would often come home late). i didn't hear back (there were problems w/ txt msging). in the morning, since i hadn't heard from him, i just went about my morning getting S ready for school. so imagine my surprise when i heard the key in the door.

H ended up taking S to school and asking if he could come back to play w/ D for a while. when he was here, i headed upstairs and took a half hour nap. i came back downstairs.. it was obvious H was tired so i asked if he wanted something to eat. he ended up eating breakfast w/ D. we made small talk.

i ended up saying to D.. we have to go run some errands and then asked H if he was going to go to sleep afterwards (my hint that i intended on getting on with my day). H walked us down to the car and then said "hope you guys have a good day" and i just answered bye.. got in the car.. and left.

over the weekend, my gf had asked me if i even like H anymore. i have been thinking about this a lot lately and i answered.. i don't like him very much right now. but i know i still love him.

when i saw him today.. he looked sad. but i didn't reach out. because what i've decided is that although i still love him.. i can't love enough for both of us. and everytime i put myself out there and was rejected.. it hurt a little more as i lost bits and pieces of myself. i have to save myself first.

Valentine's is in 2 weeks. wow! the first valentine's where i have zero expectations in 12 years. i'm not expecting anything from H. so what i've decided is that i'm going to have 2 valentine's! 2 little pint size valentine's to love and adore and share that special day with!