Outside the Scope of This Report

[WenikiTiki]

Well well well. You know, I certainly looked back over my 26 years with my ex and wondered, were there more affairs that I didn't know about? I'll never know now - but def some suspicions.

In the end, I think you do have to ask yourself - what would it take, if he comes back to the relationship, for you to feel entirely secure?

In my case - when my ex finally left - I realized that there really wasn't ANYTHING he could do at that point, that would ever make me feel safe with him again. After two affairs, two reconciliations, and him leaving without really trying at the end - I realized I would always be looking over my shoulder if we reconciled again. And I didn't want that.

Thanks KML,

I did speak to him last night about his intentions. I told him that for me to be the default one he got stuck with wasn't going to work for me. I told him I realized that although we have had sex all along, he quit kissing me, holding hands, sitting by me about 14 years ago.

I made it plain to him that I feel like it is going to take a lot to repair our relationship. And most importantly what I didn't know if he would ever be someone I could trust.

We were awake and talking because our neighbor across the street spent about 45 minutes outside last night afet 11pm yelling at his dogs. What a nut! Because I had planned no talk last night. But H kept starting it up.

So on the positive side. He holds me for hours in the mornings. he doesn't want to let go. It seems funny. I'm enjoying it, because I think of it as a baby step back to where we need to be.

I have some reading to do. I need to figure out what direction to take with him and this.

Thanks to all for the comments. Speaking truely to the situation.

[WenikiTiki]

Thankd Angel for your posts. I was thinking about you just a little bit ago.

I made sure I wasn't home when H got home from work. When I got home he was folding clothes. (I had done laundry, but not folded it, just laid out the stuff that nneded hung up)

I helped him finish and put it away. I went to the kitchen to see about some dinner and he sat in his chair and stared at me intently.

I said: I can read your mind. He said: Really, what am I thinking? I said: You want to tell me something.

And he did. He told me he really wants to go be with OW, when he thinks of being with her it makes him happy. I told him that was funny, because I had been thinking that I was done with him and that I needed to get away from him before it killed me.

He has a plan to cash in his IRA so he can rent a house. And rescue poor, poor OW. He talked to me for over 2 hours. I told him fine, we will get a D. I took off my wedding band and laid it on the little table between out chairs.

I said to him: So then go, and I pointed to the formal living room, and live in the other end of the house. He didn't make a move. I faced away from him and didn't say a word.

Talk about writhing with indecision. He didn't say a word for about 15 minutes. I sang about 10 different songs in my head. And I did not talk first. He finally started talking about what it would mean for he and I too stay together vs. be apart.

He talked about the kids, grandkids, dogs..... And finally he said that he feels like it would be hard to be without me, as I have always beens such a big part of his life. But mind you, he brought OW up every other time.

I did finally get up to use the restroom. And that is when he bailed to go upstairs and think. We covered clearly what it would take for him to be with me. And I have no idea right now what he is thinking.

Actually I am growing weary of the nonsense. it eats up so much of my time.

On a happy note I weighed in today and have lost another pound, down 77 pounds now!

[kml]

Someday I'm gonna figure out the physiology of the "bomb" diet and make a bloody fortune!

I told him that was funny, because I had been thinking that I was done with him and that I needed to get away from him before it killed me.

Love this answer

He has a plan to cash in his IRA so he can rent a house.

Alert! Alert! Alert! Go see an attorney ASAP before he starts cashing out assets - make sure you protect your interests. You might be entitled to part of his IRA. And there might be tax consequences you would get stuck with if he did that. Attorney - now. Knowledge is power.

And let me just tell you - he's obviously still all confused and messed up. But should the worst happen and you end up divorced - I just want to tell you a little story.

I'm 55, divorced after 26 years with my ex. My current boyfriend is 9 years younger, 6'6", sexy as all get out. I've been a little unhappy lately with one aspect of our relationship - I think he'll step up to the plate, but he'd better hurry - because as of right this moment, I have the following prospects who are all just HOPING I dump the current guy and give them a chance instead:

Very talented bass player in local jazz band, 40's
Very talented trumpet player in same band - who is also the director of the music department at a local college - 50

And three (THREE) young men who are really too young for me, but each one is brilliant, sexy, funny, charming, gorgeous - a film editor, a computer programmer, and a world-traveled computer network guy.

This is all without trying. Just want you to know - you may be surprised by your options if you do end up single. I never would have guessed.

[WenikiTiki]

Thanks kwl! When I went to bed last night he had talked himself into believing OW is done with him, Now he is just stuck with me.

He wants a few months to grieve his lost relationship, then will see where our relationship goes. WOW! What a guy, talk about wishy washy...

It is the middle of the night here, but I couldn't sleep.

I am pretty sure should I move on there will be no shortage of fun nice men to hang around with.

[job]

Wendy,
KML gave you excellent advice. You are entitled to half of his IRA and any other retirement savings that he has. If he's not of proper age, there may be penalties attached to the withdrawal of said funds.

Contact attorney now! This man has all but left and he won't be long before he does. Protect yourself and your assets.

I'm very sorry that he's come to the crossroads of mlc and it just makes me sick how he's acting. He needs to go to the waterfalls and wash the sand out of his eyes and see the light.

[AntoniaB]

I can't say that I have had the same experience as discussed above as far as options for men post-divorce. I have met a lot of men and been asked out by some, but they are all pretty pitiful creatures--either significantly older, out of shape, unattractive men looking to be my sugar daddy, or younger and very embittered post-divorce men who have not done any work like so many on this board have done to deal with their anger, and they seem to be looking for a notch on the belt. I even did the whole eharmony thing, and with that, I encountered tons of men who either have never dated or been in relationships at all, or who are divorced with kids and in a situation where they need a woman to quit her job and move to them because they are co-parenting. I guess what I'm saying is that I've seen the opposite--no one who seems to match my "stage" in life as far as career or outlook on life.

So just be aware that there are no hard and fast rules for what you find out there. I've found that the men who are "matches" for me in lifestyle/values/career are all happily married, and I wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole!!

I do think as far as assets are concerned, you can check into this for your state, but you might want to have a lawyer draw up a separation agreement that covers assets/accounts/etc. The separation agreeement I had done pre-divorce said nothing about divorce at all. It just was a legal separation and equalization of assets. It did say in the event of divorce, certain things would be finalized...but in general the point was to protect me should he decide to go run up a cc bill or drain an acct. Well, after he signed it, he couldn't without legal ramifications (and he didn't). My lawyer said many times that people would do a sep. agreement and later if they reconciled have it declared null and void.

So I'd at least do that if I were you--it cost me about 450.00 to have it done. Worth every penny.

[TRUSTING]

My ex was 3 days away from taking all the equity out of the house as well as cashing in an IRA. I decided to file for divorce at that time which froze all the assets so he could not use the money. Your ML'er is very irrational and just functioning off pure emotions. Logic does not exist for him at this time. You have to protect yourself until he returns to the planet earth. I have never regretted doing what I had to do to save myself financially. If I would not have, I would be living on a park bench.

[angel61]

MLC = confusion.

So don't be surprised by the wishy washiness of your H. He does not know what he wants. Which at this point at least means that your M has a 50-50 chance. And judging from what he has been saying, I would say he is leaning a little more to you than away from you. I beg to disagree with Snodderly, cause I have been in this position before. I thought this was a divorce bustng site, I am seeing posters here rushing you to see an attorney and seemingly encouraging you to that state! I don't get it.

The OW is always defended by the MLC'er. Of course, it is never their fault. And when OW leaves them, all the more the OW becomes the hero. My H used to tell me that OW was part of the solution because she did not like to continue the EA with him because he was married. And of course, he was so depressed that OW rejected him, he had to have time to grieve. And pull himslef together. And I did give it to him, but I let him know that I was not going to wait forever.

So my question for you: Do YOU know what you want?

Truly, your H is broken right now. He is confused, his feelings and emotions are all over the place.

But I do see a glimmer of hope - you did say he hold you for hours. He has said he is stuck, but he knows he is staying. he does recognize that he feels happy when thinking of OW (of course, what do you expect? the OW's are there for a reason, Band aid....).

I always remember what I read in this site, which says that the fate of the marriage is really on the LBS. So are you going to rush out to get a lawyer, and set the ball rolling on the D? Or are you going to give this more thought and see how it goes? Unless you are wanting out so you can find a tall, sexy 6 footer before they are all snapped up, I would ask whats the rush?

[job]

Angel,
I believe you misinterpreted what I was suggesting to Wendy.
When I suggest seeking the advice of an attorney, it is to see what your rights are and how to deal with the possibility of separation of assets...not to file immediately. I, myself, sought out an attorney to see what was the best way to handle the possibility of the separation of finances. No where have I advised Wendy to file for divorce, must less suggested that to anyone else. The only time that I would even offer up that advice would be if someone is being brutally beaten or has had their life threatened by their spouse.

[angel61]

"Contact attorney now! This man has all but left and he won't be long before he does. Protect yourself and your assets. "

I think that the way you said it almost means that yu can see him running out on Wendy. Even if you didnt say D out loud, it almost implies it.

It doesn't seem though that your H, Wendy, is the typewho will deviously try to cash out your assets without you knowing it. he seems to be really open, even discussing his feelings about OW with you.

If he does learn though that you have gone to an atorney, it might just make it seem that you are the one who is aggressive about leaving.

Maybe talking to him about it will work? When my H was in the fog, he wanted to kick out our renters, and live in our rental, so we could live separate lives. I sat with him and told him that we could not afford it, got out the calculator and discussed other options (like why don't we sell both houses? then go ahead with the D?) the magnitude of the work and effect on our finances really made him think twice, and somehow, logic still reigned. We were already miserable in the first place, why add to it by making ourselves financially in trouble? It was at that point that he also started thinking about how he first verbalized that it would be hard to live without me . I think that was the start of a loooong (9 months or so) road to him realizing that he could not throw away his and our lives for the poor OW