Regarding my earlier post where I mentioned that DB doesn't work well in cases where there is an OM, I think I may have read that in the past from other users because spouse is in a deeper fog than most.
Regardless of the magnitude, I should realize that it is the most effective course of action, no matter the situation.
This may be a no-brainer, but it is something that has been on my mind in my situation: Is there ever a situation where bringing up an OM in a calm manner (when likely not expected to be received this way by W) actually helps the communication and helps all parties feel more relieved if handled properly? In our situation, as I have in the past alluded to knowing about "someone else", I created a dynamic where she doesn't know how much I know and I think fears talking to me and in her mind it is best to move forward without anymore information being divulged that could jeopardize both Rs (understand that she doesn't want a MR with me, but I think bringing this into the open is a frightening proposition). She has said in the past she wants to remain friends and we have a large network of friends who know both of us quite well, and she might think I would tell them about it, which I wouldn't.
I created this situation with my wanting to be right and punitive actions in the past, so I whole-heartedly take responsibility for why she might think this, but, perhaps out of fear, I have a feeling that she feels there is no other alternative at this point than ending the M. I think she feels that if she did share even part of the truth, I would flip out (which, in the past, I probably would have done), but I am in a different place now, and wondering if drawing the truth out in a calm, non-judgmental manner may cause her to re-think whether it could be possible to reconsider a R with me as this could almost be a weight off of her?
Currently, our communication is pretty limited and she is very anxious when I speak with her (very much feels uncomfortable), even more so than when she dropped the bomb.
Again, this is completely exclusive of the work that I am doing on my own to get rid of the qualities that led her to why she ever felt like she needed to find attachment somewhere else.
Just seems like an 800 lb. elephant in the room that needs to be addressed at some point (not for me to feel better or to feed my ego, but truly an opportunity to show change that I can own up to my actions and that I no longer will show anger towards her for actions which I have had a role in).
