It's Over Now

[fireman]

I didn't tell her that to be manipulative. I wanted her to know that I was moving forward. Maybe I was hoping that she would start thinking about it. What's wrong with that? She sent me an email several weeks ago and told me that I had to start living for what I have now and enjoying life, because that's what she is doing. She said she isn't going to allow herself to sink into depression over all of this. I can't either. And I wanted her to know that I am ok. Besides, nobody wants to be with somebody that is an emotional basket case. There were reasons why she fell in love with me, and I am feeling good about myself, considering, and I'm working hard to move forward and make sure that she can move forward too, with or without me. Do I hope that she starts seeing me as attractive and somebody she can love again? Of course I do! And when I said that I can't go through this again, I meant that all this pain I caused, and this terrible situation with my marriage. I can't do it again. I can't put anyone through it again, especially not her, and I can't put myself through it either. The fact that I cheated is what prompted her to file for divorce, but we had issues already that neither of us were willing to work on. I didn't go out looking to get laid. It wasn't about sex. It was about affection. She refused to give me affection. Kisses, hugs, for no reason other than to just do it because she loved me. That's all I wanted. I screwed up and found it some place else. Maybe she can put it behind her. Maybe she can't. Maybe she will put this divorce on hold and just see what happens. I told her we don't have to live together. We can keep going like we are now. But there's no reason to rush into a divorce and then start thinking later that we should have tried. But if she chooses not to try, I have to be ready to move on, and so I am making sure I am.