Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY

[~ kd ~]

I get it, tbr... believe me, I get it...

Think long and hard about this... YOU want him to talk to your W... YOU want him to interfere with her thoughts... You are the one who is actually attempting to change your W's thoughts and choices and actions...

Other vets here would be more assertive and tell you to stop trying to control your W...

Your paster told you he'd like to talk to your W. Now... it is out of your hands. If your pastor really wants to talk to your W, he will find his own way to do so. Have faith in God, my friend... We cannot direct His hand...

[tenbusrider]

Aw, man, you're right. Didn't even think about it trying to control her. I guess this is where one of my real problems lies. My dad is in icu again so I'm more stressed than usual.

I asked the Pastor not to do anything. I'm still hoping that treatment for hyperthyroidism will help calm her some.

Sigh. What a day.

[tenbusrider]

Well, the pastor said he wouldn't do anything, he's just afraid I'll be getting served in a couple of weeks. Really not what I was hoping to hear.

So frustrated ... really feeling weak today.

[tenbusrider]

Though the pastor did say he'd just listen to her side and not condemn or tell her to repent... argh.

[~ kd ~]

I am sorry to hear your dad is back in ICU...

But... as far as the pastor goes...

Hey, he can't "unknow" now... he will do what he does, whether you tell him to do something or you tell him to not do something...

Take a breath... let that one go...

And spend some time with your dad and sort some stuff out in your head and hey... have some fun with your S when you get a chance!

[tenbusrider]

KD, if I ever meet you, dinner will be on me.

My dad is doing better. Saw him tonight. He's been sedated for a couple of days and intubated. He sounds much better than he did over his previous month stay. That's a relief.

I've begun checking into divorce law for my state so I can know what to expect if it comes down to it. Looks like time might still be on my side. Looks like it's time to lrt. Just need to be careful to balance concern for doing what I must do to. protect myself.

[tenbusrider]

Looks like I may have been wrong about time being on my side. W went to her endocrinologist today and was told she was, in fact, adequately controlled by her medication and won't be having rai. Done yet.

I'm strangely disappointed and relieved at the same time. Might make DB a bit easier to do.

She still speaks in uncertain terms when it comes to the future so I guess we'll just have to see!

[tenbusrider]

Just go to AA already. Even if you don't think you need it (you probably do!) it will show your wife that you are serious about owning your half of the problems.

I'm sorry for not responding to this earlier, the internet has been out at my house for a while, so I've been using my phone to post.

I'm not sure why, but I've just got this mental block as far as AA goes. W has brought it up before, but in the context of her biological father, saying that he didn't find a woman he was happy with until he was in AA. What's funny about this is she didn't have a relationship with him for years and he passed away before she really had a chance to talk to him. While I don't doubt that she knows certain things about his relationship, I think she's supplying her own details about how things went down.

I'm not saying I won't go... I just fear that doing so will validate her feelings towards D. Of course, it's just as likely that not going will wind up in D, too.

I'm starting to question if I'm doing enough 180's. This is what's on the list so far:

-Not crying, begging, or pleading.
-Being positive and upbeat as possible (an added challenge right now with my dad's health and S's current sickness).
-Not bringing up R talk.
-Validating almost everything she says. The exceptions tend to be things that catch me completely off-guard, like when she recalls bad moments in our M that didn't happen the way she's bringing them up.
-Exercising.
-Spending time away from her, and not following her around (although this one is particularly tough, since we live in a pretty small house, and we tend to smoke at the same time).
-Making plans to improve myself without talking to her about them.
-Not texting her during the day except to ask how S is doing (particularly the last week or so, since he's been sick).


I'm really struggling with not asking her questions in general, though. It's really hard not asking her what's bothering her when she looks stressed out. I've got about a .500 average in this department. I don't push for details, and when she does open up, I try to validate her as much as I can.

I'm contemplating a new 180, would appreciate some feedback: she has a bad tendency to assume she knows what I'm doing or trying to say, and she's completely wrong. Usually I just try to explain that it's not the way she says it is. I'm thinking I need to start calling her on that. An example of this would be last night: we were putting S to bed, he's been feverish for a while, and was really whiny yesterday. She was changing his diaper, and he was thrashing around a bit, so I put my hands on his chest and stomach to try and calm him down/restrain him a bit to be helpful. W shot, "He's warm because he's been under the covers!" I looked at her and said that I knew that, but I was trying to help keep him still while she changed his diaper. She just said "oh".

I'm also still on the fence about the whole topic of the Pastor. I found one of his cards last night, just wondering if I should give it to her without any expectations of it doing anything. If I do this, then any attempts the Pastor makes to contact her will look like I'm trying to set her up. I'm really not trying to control her, but she did ASK for this information at one point... but like KD said, she may have forgotten about it, or just wanted it right then.

Another question for those more experienced than me: is it being a doormat to do little things she asks for like taking her plate to the kitchen when I'm heading that way or turning on a fan when I'm near the switch? I feel like I'm doing a lot of little man-slave things like this, but can't find a way to say no or get out of the situation. I'm not doing it expecting it to change anything, I'm just doing it because I can and it isn't a big deal. Just something that's been weighing on my mind.

I could really use a hug right now.

[tenbusrider]

Journaling -

Monday was another day with the C. She says she feels I'm holding up pretty well in the face of all the loss I've been through in the last few years. I asked her if she'd heard of DR, she said that she hadn't. I had my book with me and showed it to her, then showed her my printed out list of the 37 points. She said it all seemed like good advice and wanted me to continue following them as much as I could.

Not long after I got home, my parents called. My Dad was going back to the ER due to low blood pressure. I went up there to be with him, though he was basically unconscious when I got there, and sedated for the rest. W would sent periodic texts asking what was going on, and I'd tell her, but never got any real sympathy from her. I broke down a little in the waiting room, after having seen so many people swarming around my dad. It was almost literally like what you'd see in that show ER.

I didn't leave the hospital until around midnight. Dad was stable and in the ICU. W was already in bed when I got home, but had sent a text letting me know there was pizza in the fridge for me.

I was woken pretty early the next morning by my son. I got dressed and went outside to smoke. W was there, asked me more about the evening. I told her what I knew, she still didn't express much sympathy. I wanted to scream "You get so mad at me for being selfish, but can't sympathize with the fact that I almost lost my dad for the second time in just over a month?" But I didn't. I was too tired and worried.

We went back in side and I started to go back to bed. I didn't mean to, but I must have given W a pretty pathetic look, as she suddenly moved to hug me. It was a one-armed hug, but it was the warmest physical interaction we'd had in months. She rubbed my back reassuringly and laid her head on my shoulder. I don't remember if she said anything. S broke us up by pushing her away. I went back to bed and closed the door. She opened it right behind me and reached in to lock it, so S wouldn't be able to bother me. I slept for about 5 more hours.

I took S to the doctor for the 3rd time in 5 days, and let W have a bit of a break after taking him the previous day. She texted me that she appreciated me taking him, and I responded that she seemed to need rest more than I did. She responded "Thank you." She called me just after I left the office to ask how he was, and I told her. I went to tai chi that evening and had a pretty good time. S seemed to be feeling better after I got home, and I was pretty thankful for that. We watched a movie, then went to bed.

Wednesday was the day I overheard part of that phone call. Needless to say, it was a pretty bad day for me, emotionally. I tried not show it to her, and I think I succeeded in that. Went to visit Dad in the ICU, since he was off the ventilator. His voice is really deep and gravelly now, but I guess that's to be expected. He didn't know what had happened, but was otherwise pretty clear-headed. I went home feeling pretty exhausted, mentally and physically. I realized that I hadn't eaten anything that day. W made dinner after I got home, but I spent the evening avoiding her. She sounded a little confused when she let me know that dinner was ready, but I may be projecting hopes in saying that. I ate, but still didn't feel much better.

I wound up calling sick into work on Thursday. Woke up still feeling pretty awful. W had her visit with the endocrinologist, and was told that she's being well controlled on her medication, and it's going to be reduced further pending the results of her bloodwork coming back. The doctor told her there was nothing wrong with her as far as her mental condition is concerned.

When she told me this, I apologized for pressuring her about her disease and that I wanted to make sure she was healthy. She was pretty upset and definitely displayed a defiant attitude. I told her I was happy for her news that she'd be able to avoid a major procedure for now, at least. Her indignation seemed to be deflated pretty quickly with my validation of her feelings. She accused me of gaslighting her. I wasn't sure what she meant by that, so I looked it up. Now I have another bullet-point to work on. I'm hoping the validation I've been doing so far helps allay her concern about that. I truly feel rotten now that I see it for what it is.

The rest of the day carried an unusual tension. I'd been evicted from my room by my sleeping son, so I had no choice but to hang out in the living room with her. She looked lost in thought, but I didn't ask any questions about that.

S woke up about the time W made lunch. After eating, she went to take a nap. I tried to get S to go back to sleep, but no such luck. After she woke up, I took S to run an errand for my mom, and when I came back, he passed out again. He was starting to run another fever. W moved him to my bed again. I got on the elliptical machine and finally made good of my promise to myself to work out. I showered afterwards. It wasn't much longer before S woke up again, but now he was seriously upset and sweaty. He seemed to be in pain. He screamed and cried for over an hour as we tried to calm him down. W was getting really agitated. We theorized that his stomach was hurting based on the way he was tensing up. We gave him something for that, and he calmed down a little, but was still pretty tired. He didn't move much from where he was put on the couch and eventually passed out. I did the dishes after dinner, then W took S and went to bed. She was still being really short with me. I was left alone, downstairs, feeling pretty worried and scared about the previous couple of days. I tried to push it out of my mind and managed to sleep pretty well, even though it just wasn't as much as I'd like.

S is still kinda sick today, so W is taking him back to the doctor. I sure hope he gets better soon. This stress is rough!

[tenbusrider]

After reading a few suggestions, I just ordered 5LL and Codependent No More. Any other books worth checking out?