MMF - I just read your letter and it struck a chord as it sounded a lot like my W's letter to me in August. It was in response to an e-mail that I sent to her asking if we could work on it because like your W, she was very resolute in moving forward as soon as possible.
"I’ve read through your email multiple times. I appreciate you recognizing that neither of us has been happy in the relationship for at least a year now. Whether it’s the lack affection in the home, the lack of respect, the lack of appreciation, the short fuses, etc, it’s really had a severe impact on our relationship. I’m also glad that you recognize that it’s not just about the swearing during anger fits or the language you’ve used toward me after a few too many drinks. It’s about the feelings/attitudes/behaviors that have happened over the last year (which were also present in the past 2-3 years,but never changed).
I know we can’t change the past, but I also know how I’m feeling right now. While I respect your commitment to trying to make this work (as you believe that this is all fix-able), I also know how I’m feeling inside. I believe the basic elements of a relationship have been broken and I’m not willing to take any more time to see if it’s even possible to fix. I’m sorry if you feel this is unfair. I know you think this is cliché, but I truly want what is best for you too and I just can’t give you the love that you deserve. As much as I want to be happy, I want you to be happy too and it’s not fair to you to be with me either. I also believe it’s unfair how our relationship has been and how it’s affected me. My future is unknown, but I know I do not want to ever feel the way I’m feeling right now or the way I’ve felt when you’ve hurt me as certain things are unacceptable for me from my own spouse, regardless of the situation. For that, I’m comfortable with my decision to move on and make a better life for myself (hopefully!).
I’m not going to fight about the condo and have already decided to move out (not that you care, but my parents are okay with this too). I respect that your parents put money towards our place and I don’t want any of it. I just want to be fair at this point. If you can please calculate the equity, excluding your parents initial investment, and split into two, I think that is fair. I will also return all of the jewelry your family gave me (have to get some out of the safety deposit box too).
If you still want to talk to an attorney, that is fine, but I think we can work this out as the only area of question is really the condo and I’m letting you calculate that excluding parents investment, etc, so in the best interest of both of us, I don’t think we need to spend any add’l money on another lawyer with such a “simple” case.
I wish you wouldn’t fight this anymore. As I said, I respect what you’re trying to do, but I know how I’m feeling and what I want. We both deserve happiness and I don’t know if you believe me, but I do feel that we can be friends in the end if we can figure this out in a respectable/fair manner."
Long-story short, that was August and she did file this past Monday. I am hoping to DB much better than I have in the past, but just wanted to let you know that even if it does not seem like you have any time, you may have more time than you think even if she is all about moving this forward as quickly as possible.
I originally took her letter as needing to "rush" because I was operating under a limited timeframe and did a lot of pursuing and trying to expect results too soon from my actions. Don't make the same mistakes. Just work on you, do what you need to do, but don't freak out because of the timeframe. If she starts seeing positive changes, she may let the timing slip, but only you can control the positive changes that she will see. If you rush or get impatient, you probably know the likely ending scenario.
