W racing to finish line - do I bring up OM?

[25yearsmlc]

update on my situation - W filed yesterday (clearly didn't care that I asked her to wait).

Get your helmet on. She saw no reason to wait and judging by your angry reaction (same old you!!), she was right.

I really thought you had grown from this experience. I was premature.



I have 30 days to respond, so very limited in what I can do.

They say DB'ing doesn't work when there is an OM involved...

who says that? First time I've heard that. Where are you getting this?


not that I have been doing a very good job of it,


Not sure you have done any. Her August letter which spelled out things as kindly as I've seen, but mentioned your anger, was met with anger.


but without kids, we have very little contact anyways...plus she's always lying about things so I never know the truth anyway.


What? You mean she doesn't blurt out about OM? Why would she, given your past reactions? Even now that was an angry statement about her.


I was thinking about taking a slightly different approach. Do you think it would help to call the OM (he works with my W, but is far more senior to her in position) and basically say I know what's going on and I can report it to HR if you continue what you are doing and let him panic as I'm sure he wouldn't like this.


This^^^ is extortion/blackmail.

Do NOT do that^^^...you missed the point I have made to you repeatedly.

You SAID you wanted to own this-to OWN how YOU created the situation in your marriage that contributed to the demise of it AND to the affair

but nope...You still want to OUT them for your own ego reasons

and NOT to own your role in this.

You are nearly divorced. She wants nothing from you.

You are supposed to want to show her YOU CHANGED...

Why would you ever talk to HIM??

She left you months ago...and you were petulant to her til a week ago.

Now you want to "go show OM " with BLACKMAIL? I seriously cannot tell if you are serious?

Did you READ the posts you have gotten? NOT MINE, I can tell you that


Or should I mention to W, when I meet up with her, listen, I think it's time to be honest...I know about OM and as 25 alluded to, basically say I realize my role in why she might have felt like I was absent and why she would do that.


how could THAT^^^ approach hurt you? Isn't it the ONLY option you have the only chance you have, of showing her you are not always reacting with anger?

This was what you were going to do. But I guess it's just too humbling for you to look at yourself in all this
b/c you have thus far made it about HER

and never you, for more than a minute.

Your reactions have all appeared angry and punitive. And now THIS blackmail scheme is your new "DB" plan? Man, you are SO NOT getting this.



Or, I could go to OM's family and e-mail them (OM's sister works with W and OM, but just in a different department).

I'm going to pretend you are joking and not even comment on this...^^^^



As people have brought up in the past, "what is my objective from this?" It is to create a situation where it is not so easy to maintain this relationship and make it uncomfortable for OM such that the dynamic might change.


That is NOT the goal. What happened to the GOAL of SHOWING HOW YOU ARE NOT AN ANGRY PETULANT MAN? That you are not someone

WHO PUNISHES/BLACKMAILS WHEN HIS EGO GETS HURT???...

You were supposed to show her that you could get past the A if you reconciled.

You said you wanted to CHANGE YOU...

instead, NOW you want to use it as a weapon which is exactly why she won't tell you about it.

How could this possibly help you look mature or as if you were taking responsibility for your actions? You have not done that yet and now this blackmail plan is your "new" approach? It's just meaner. What do you think will happen?

maybe for a few minutes you get to feel "right"...?? Wow...

Enjoy staying single b/c

THIS^^^nastyass blackmailing/extortion will do nothing FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.


If he is aware that I could go to HR or that his sister knows (or even parents if I chose), I'm not so sure that would bring them closer as they would then know that the cat's out of the bag.


[color:#FF0000]

You think He'll fold and THEN SHE will run back to YOU? NO...NO...

read THIS site or the books...

exposing to others (as opposed to discussing it with her)

BACKFIRES...makes YOU look vindictive, and you are being that way.

READ UP ON THIS ON THIS SITE of those who involved others...LOTS OF REGRETS...nail in the coffin.

You WOULD UNITE them and

while you may have pushed her into his arms in the first place-

now you'd be making sure they stay together b/c YOU will be the uniting force, the enemy.

and FWIW --- understand this---Most 3rd parties (HR) think the spouse -YOU- who exposes to them (the 3rd party) is vindictive. That's how it will look.

That's how it sounds. TO me, that is what it is.


Have you really read the Div Remedy books? They do NOT favor this. I feel like my posts to you were totally ignored and this is getting wacky.


I just don't see me doing LRT or going dark at this point could help anything as there is no reason for us to have contact and then when it's signed, they can run off into the distance and leave me looking like a fool. While I have shown signs of anger, or punitive actions, this is one piece of information that I have been very careful with. I could have told all of her friends, co-workers, etc. a long time ago when I found out who this person was, but I didn't. W knows I know of an OM, but she has denied it and last we talked about it, I at that point didn't know who it was, but now do.

Gee, guess that^^^ makes you a HERO. Why not OWN your role for real like you said you wanted to do??

Tell her YOU can be changed and have changed and want to be a better man.

THE ONLY reason for mentioning OM is to show her that despite this
you want to work on the r.

IF you go around exposing it, aside from losing her forever AND looking petty,

she'll KNOW she was right to leave b/c you'd throw it in her face

or hold it over her head forever--as you are right now.


Worst case scenario, my W is upset and OM is upset, but not really much to lose at this point.

You have everything to lose at this point. No chance of looking dignified or honorable OR HUMBLED which is what she needed to see from you.

Man you sure must like being angry b/c you spend lots of energy on what to do with it.

I don't know ANY happy people who are also angry. FWIW


Again, this would be via a phone call or e-mail. I don't plan on physically confronting anyone.

and that's supposed to show what? Restraint? Just makes it look more weasly...Gosh you sure can't see things the way others might.

You need to. We discussed empathy awhile ago. Do you feel ANY for your w?

I know, this is not conventional DB'ing,


it's not DBing at all.


but I really believe DB'ing is also difficult when you don't have kids or any reason to connect on a regular basis.

Any thoughts or 2x4s?? While you can fault me for anything I've done to date, I just need something to break up this trajectory and fog.

see above...not that it matters but I've tried to explain this to you and thought I'd reached you but ....SIGH

not so.

You never read those DB books

or

you skimmed them looking for a SINGLE act or sentence that could turn this around

Look inside...that's where the actions/changes were supposed to be.

consistent change + sufficient time = change SHE could believe in.

Too late now?

Maybe, but I"m pretty darn sure,

your latest plan to STILL keep the focus OFF YOU and YOUR SUPPOSED CHANGES

will erase any chance of her rethinking your r in the future. IT's more of the old angry pouty boy she left.

good luck