waiting for the tides to change

[purgatory]

I'm with her^^^^^.

It's good that he's wanting to be with them, and you want to encourage that.... But at the same time, he needs to realize that kids have a 'life' (playdates, homework..) and he needs to incorporate those things Ito his time.

Bklyn had a good idea- to allow him to pick up S, but tell him that S has _______ plans after school so H will have to take him. (now make sure that there really IS something for S to do in case H says "ok")

Or you could even say something like: "having you pick him up would be a great help, I need to run a few errands anyways. Please make sure he does his homework and eats dinner." This one let's him know that you won't be 'helping' with S.

I'm probably not making sense.... I haven't had to have this conversation with my H, so I don't really know what I would do.... Sorry.

[labug]

Just a thought...I played way too "nice" in the beginning, didn't get financials hammered out or personal items in the garage etc. Had there been young children I probably wouldn't have set up a custody agreement. I thought he'd come to his senses and come home. Guess what, 10 months later, still gone and all that little stuff is a bone of contention and can allow resentment to creep in. You can't work on being your best you when you are constantly pissed off at this stuff.

Setting written boundaries doesn't have to be mean and nasty. It might be a painful but doing this could save you from more pain down the road. It's like constantly knocking the scab off a healing wound.

Remember in their minds, these guys are GONE! They have made their choice. Let them be gone but protect yourselves and your children.

I read the Munson book, it's been awhile, but IIRC she had a written agreement.

They aren't making it difficult for you to detach, they are doing what they feel is best for them, which is what we should all be doing.

[labug]

I have to say to all you young women with the WHs, I admire you for what you are doing in the face of your sitches. Parenting is tough enough with 2 people.

What I'm trying to say is, don't twist yourselves into pretzel shapes trying to control what your H does. I don't remember reading that as a DR step.

You are worth more than that. Love to you all ((())) As I said you have my admiration and respect.

[BFloat]

so last night i sent H a txt asking if he would be home in time to take S to school (since when he was here he would often come home late). i didn't hear back (there were problems w/ txt msging). in the morning, since i hadn't heard from him, i just went about my morning getting S ready for school. so imagine my surprise when i heard the key in the door.

H ended up taking S to school and asking if he could come back to play w/ D for a while. when he was here, i headed upstairs and took a half hour nap. i came back downstairs.. it was obvious H was tired so i asked if he wanted something to eat. he ended up eating breakfast w/ D. we made small talk.

i ended up saying to D.. we have to go run some errands and then asked H if he was going to go to sleep afterwards (my hint that i intended on getting on with my day). H walked us down to the car and then said "hope you guys have a good day" and i just answered bye.. got in the car.. and left.

over the weekend, my gf had asked me if i even like H anymore. i have been thinking about this a lot lately and i answered.. i don't like him very much right now. but i know i still love him.

when i saw him today.. he looked sad. but i didn't reach out. because what i've decided is that although i still love him.. i can't love enough for both of us. and everytime i put myself out there and was rejected.. it hurt a little more as i lost bits and pieces of myself. i have to save myself first.

Valentine's is in 2 weeks. wow! the first valentine's where i have zero expectations in 12 years. i'm not expecting anything from H. so what i've decided is that i'm going to have 2 valentine's! 2 little pint size valentine's to love and adore and share that special day with!

[labug]

i can't love enough for both of us. and everytime i put myself out there and was rejected.. it hurt a little more as i lost bits and pieces of myself. i have to save myself first.

That's the spirit. Put the oxygen mask on your own face first. Let that wound heal. (how many metaphors can I use?)

Be strong, eventually it does get better.

[purgatory]

Sounds like you're getting to a stronger emotional place.... Baby steps in the right direction.

"I can't love enough for the both of us"
This ^^^^^ is a beautiful statement, an so true!! You made me think about if I LIKED my H right now.... And I don't. But I LOVE him and that's the only reason I'm still here.

I think you'll have a great Valentines day with your loves!!

[BFloat]

Today is a blah day and I feel blah in it.

MIL is coming for dinner tonight so it should be interesting. She's leaving tomorrow (moving to WI). I am not expecting any support from her really because she has always been sort of uninvolved. Likes to avoid conflict.

H had wanted to keep S out of school tomorrow to see his mom off at the airport. I told him to let me know what he decided. A 180 since normally it would be me making these decisions on whether S should go or not.

[purgatory]

Looks like my blah day from yesterday found you.... sorry.

Try not to have expectations for MIL- just like we have to learn to do for our WAS. She may surprise you and say something that is comforting and supportive... then again, she may do what she always does. My point is, don't interact with her under the assumption that she isn't going to get involved. You can control how you greet her and talk with her, she is responsible for how she reacts to you. (I just read DR again last night, and apparently the section about 'have no expectations' is coming to my mind)

I think it's great that you are letting H have a choice about S saying good-bye to his mom.... let's H feel like he has an opinion. I've had to back off of things that H does with S- which normally I wouldn't agree with. As long as S is safe, it doesn't affect other plans, and it doesn't affect his school life- I let H do what he wants (for example: today, H gave S 4 quarters, so he could buy new pencils from the machine at school. S has been bugging me forever to buy some- I think he just likes the machine- and I've always said no because I have a TON of pencils at home that he can use. I don't know if H chose to do it so he could look like the better parent that me, but most likely H didn't see any reason NOT to give him some quarters- simple as that.)

Hope the blahs pass soon (((BF)))

[BFloat]

So that an awkward visit. MIL came and brought dinner. we had something to eat. she played w/ the kids for a bit.. and then she left! about 2 hours later.

when she first came.. i asked her how my FIL took the news (referring to her move to WI). she said he is not very happy at all. apparently there was miscommunication because she thought i meant the news about H and i. he is upset about us but fine with her move.

anyway.. she was saying we were welcome to go stay with her anytime. and that her friend? bf? (not really sure what to call him) wanted to help pay for tickets for myself and the kids.. she wants to stay a couple of nights with us when she comes back to visit in june.. i'm not sure what to think about all this.

when she was leaving.. i got teary. i had to leave the room. i use to see her all the time but over the past few years.. have seen her less and less (because of her strained relationship w/ H). it made me sad to think that she would no longer be just a car ride away. i think it's also making me think that slowly.. ties are being cut from H and his family.

still blah. more teary too.

[purgatory]

Sorry that didn't go as well as you hoped

It's also sad to think that H is pulling away from his parents too. My H is doing the same with him mom- because she has expressed that she feels he could have tried harder/longer to make things work. H only really talks to his dad- the one who had an EA for 10 years then married OW 6 months after his D from mom.... a REAL great example!! (too bad you can't type sarcasm!)

It seems like the these WAS only want to keep contact with people who 'support' their decision, anyone who might make them question their choice is cut off!

Take your time is deciding if she will stay with you when she comes back to visit, don't make that decision tonight.

Find something that makes you happy: a good book, something yummy, a great wine... anything that will bring a smile to your soul. AND get/give lots of hugs and kisses to the babies!!
((((BF))))