feeling like giving up.....former DBing against OW

[imthemom]

Long weekend of dealing with H and his manipulations....

after all the threats H made to L about 50/50 and not being able to support himself if he had to pay what was being asked of him H resorted to threatening to get his own L and "dragging this out as long as possible and then the classic "well i guess ill have to quit my job and move back to the mid west" (were all his family is)....after speaking to my L Friday evening and thinking about it all weekend I sent my L an offer for him that would lower my support (not my sons support...he seems to be having the most problem with giving ME any money) by some but would keep the rest of our agreement which includes him helping me to get a new vehicle (mine is on its last leg and still has payments,while we paid his off) He had threatened to pull that offer off the table. It came down to the fact that I cannot afford to go to court and fight him, I have no more money to keep paying my L. But I did tell her that this was it..if he did not except this offer then I guess we go to court. She seems to think theres a chance the courts would make him pay the rest of my L fees if that happened. I am trying to avoid dragging my S14 threw a nasty court fight and traumatizing him more then he is now.

H called him (s14) and wanted him to come over for the weekend and S14 said he didnt want to. I tried to talk to him about it, he hadnt seen his dad in 2 weeks and I hate to see that go that way but he said "when Im over there, I know dad is there but its like hes not"...they dont really do anything and S14 has said before that his dad doesnt talk to him. H never has been one for communication but I cant believe he would let his relationship with S14 go like this...we have talked about it in the past and H says he knows he needs to fix it but then does nothing about it so I guess theres nothing I can do about it. there relationship is between them and theres not a lot I can do about it.
I dont understand how it got to this point....I hate it. Last night S14 said he feels like His whole family was on a train and everyone jumped off but us. He misses his older bros, and feels like its just he and I now...made me so sad. Then he said when Me and his dad are like this (meaning not talking to each other) he feels like he is going to be on that train all alone. that broke my heart...I reassured him that I was not going anywere and neither was his Dad and that when things calmed down I know it will get better. there are just a lot of hurt feelings and things are still fresh and that eventually there will come a time that everyone can be happy with the sitch again. His older bro S28, is so angry with H that he wont even speak of him right now...this whole thing has cause a lot of pain. I just want it to be over so everyone can start to heal. that is why I made the offer....its the quickest way to end this and get on with our lives.
Let me make it clear that S14 knows nothing about any of this still....not the ow, not the fact that H is fighting the support agreement and certainly not the fact that he is threatening 50/50..I keep that far from him. He just knows that for awhile H was coming around again and being really nice and now hes not.

The whole thing has gotten realy ugly....that is surprising to me not sure why, but I never figured H to be this kind of person. eyes wide open now...and its just not pretty.

just want it to be over

[25yearsmlc]

How sad.

I know...

FWIW--thought I'd share a few details...

fyi, it took EVERYTHING in me, all my "acting skills" (and I did study theater & film) to not share my reaction verbally.

I ALWAYS managed a long pause and sigh, and made direct eye contact til they looked away in shame.

Then I'd say, "well then I guess all that's left to do is sign the termination of all your rights"..."and this DOES mean it's as if you are not and never were, their father. This is permanent"...

one of them cried signing it &first asked me what I thought. I Said "I think you're supposed to show up for your child with time AND support & if there's any way you can, then do it"...

He said he could not make the payments &he felt overwhelmed..."just wanted it over".

Sometimes I wonder if a small payment plan and some visits could have helped, but a lot of time had passed.

Some WASs seem to think the longer the time that passes between visits, the harder to show up suddenly, and it just spirals so much that their shame stops them. But who knows? I still think a little is better than nothing.

The others signed, could not make eye contact and left.

[25yearsmlc]

Long weekend of dealing with H and his manipulations....

after all the threats H made to L about 50/50 and not being able to support himself if he had to pay what was being asked of him H resorted to threatening to get his own L and "dragging this out as long as possible and then the classic "well i guess ill have to quit my job and move back to the mid west" (were all his family is)....after speaking to my L Friday evening and thinking about it all weekend I sent my L an offer for him that would lower my support (not my sons support...he seems to be having the most problem with giving ME any money) by some but would keep the rest of our agreement which includes him helping me to get a new vehicle (mine is on its last leg and still has payments,while we paid his off) He had threatened to pull that offer off the table. It came down to the fact that I cannot afford to go to court and fight him, I have no more money to keep paying my L. But I did tell her that this was it..if he did not except this offer then I guess we go to court. She seems to think theres a chance the courts would make him pay the rest of my L fees if that happened.


Many times the income earner DOES pay ALL legal fees...so she's not delusional.

can you make it on what this amount would be? And when you go back to work, will he want it lowered even more?




I am trying to avoid dragging my S14 threw a nasty court fight and traumatizing him more then he is now.

H called him (s14) and wanted him to come over for the weekend and S14 said he didnt want to. I tried to talk to him about it, he hadnt seen his dad in 2 weeks and I hate to see that go that way but he said "when Im over there, I know dad is there but its like hes not"...they dont really do anything and S14 has said before that his dad doesnt talk to him.

14 y/o are old enough to choose and a court will ask HIM for his feelings on it. If he's not mentally challenged and is a normal 14 y/o it's up to him.

I hope that feels empowering to your son b/c you know, HE DOES have some control here, in a situation that otherwise must make him feel powerless.


H never has been one for communication but I cant believe he would let his relationship with S14 go like this...we have talked about it in the past and H says he knows he needs to fix it but then does nothing about it so I guess theres nothing I can do about it. there relationship is between them and theres not a lot I can do about it.

Accept this^^^. You must stop trying to fix repair or create a solution. ALL you can do is not be an obstacle. That does NOT mean texting or calling or asking your ex h to DO/SAY or be anything...you only communicate about s14 when it's truly needed.

Your h will show up soon, later, or never. It's not your responsibility. Work on saying the Serenity prayer for this one b/c it's a serious challenge to any mother. I get it.

My h is still working on repairing the r he has with d22, who was in high school when he left us for an "adventure/gold rush/gazillion dollars/JOB with his heroes" in Alaska. And no, I do not understand it and I never will.

And that's okay. I don't spend ANY energy or time from MY prescious life, on trying to understand the "Why" of someone else's behavior. Just mine...



I dont understand how it got to this point....I hate it. Last night S14 said he feels like His whole family was on a train and everyone jumped off but us. He misses his older bros, and feels like its just he and I now...made me so sad. Then he said when Me and his dad are like this (meaning not talking to each other) he feels like he is going to be on that train all alone. that broke my heart...I reassured him that I was not going anywere

that's^^ the only promise you know YOU can keep. I'd avoid making any promises about your ex h except telling your son that "in there somewhere" in your confused h, is a great deep love for son. Your h's shame and fears and pain probably prevent him from showing it in healthy ways but I personally have no doubt he thinks of s14 often. But how to incorporate son with OW and new life?

Tricky and requires...confronting unpleasant PAINFUL issues...best to wait and hide and see if it all magically gets better...or so it seems to be his approach.

Perhaps when the d is final, your h will resurface. But I would not promise much about him. It's NOT in your control. To avoid more broken promises, only promise what YOU can provide and then keep the promise.



and neither was his Dad and that when things calmed down I know it will get better. there are just a lot of hurt feelings and things are still fresh and that eventually there will come a time that everyone can be happy with the sitch again. His older bro S28, is so angry with H that he wont even speak of him right now...this whole thing has cause a lot of pain. I just want it to be over so everyone can start to heal. that is why I made the offer....its the quickest way to end this and get on with our lives.


ever hear of an "amicable" divorce? Ever KNOW of one? ....me neither...

I think they range from "miserable," to "traumatic nightmare"...


Let me make it clear that S14 knows nothing about any of this still....not the ow, not the fact that H is fighting the support agreement and certainly not the fact that he is threatening 50/50..I keep that far from him.


Blessings to you for this^^^....You will NEVER regret behaving with this dignity. And it's empowering to know you could have, but chose not to. If need be, you may remind h of that sometime when he thinks YOU are being unreasonable. NOt to threaten but to provide "reality therapy".


He just knows that for awhile H was coming around again and being really nice and now hes not.
The whole thing has gotten realy ugly....that is surprising to me not sure why, but I never figured H to be this kind of person. eyes wide open now...and its just not pretty.

just want it to be over

(((( ))))

[imthemom]

Still have not heard back from my L as to the new offer I presented to H...But she did call me Mon. morning and told me something that I didnt even realize..this settlement agreement is not even the permanent one..its a temporary agreement that is put in place until the rest of things are hammered out and then it could be different..it could be less it could be more. All I could think about is H is fighting this much over a temporary agreement?????? I was hoping we were near the end of this and it sounds like we are just beginning!!!!

I know this whole thing started out as not what I even wanted...I filed because he forced my hand and I didnt want a divorce, but now I just want it over with. It has been a very painfull thing for me to come to grips with and I just want my life back. What I dont understand is this is what he wanted!!..why is he making it so difficult and fighting it every step of the way when he wants it so bad??!!...I am working on giving it over to my higher power as they say in Al Anon...but thst is proving to be harder then I expected. I have a meeting tonight...Ive been going twice a week and have found it the MOST helpfull thing I have done since this whole thing started. S14 is still going once a week to Al Ateen and is still conflicted about going but has gotten alot out of it. Ive noticed his attitude has changed toward his D since he started. Not sure if its good because he has gotten so angry but sometimes I think anger is good...it means hes working threw his feelings and is not stuck anymore, but I think he has had some realizations about his D that are hard for him to look at. He has become pretty confrontational with his D and Im walking a fine line with letting him express it to him, but being respectfull in the process....last night he just let loose on his D and I wasnt sure how to handle it so I pretty much stayed out of it except to tell him that this is his father and he had to be respectfull of his feelings just as he expects his D to be respectfull of his.
He doesnt feel his father has been respectfull of anyone and said he is selfish. In my head I thought "well, yes he is"...but I kept that to my self..lol! He was upset because he asked his D if he could take him to get some school supplies that he needed and he was told no because my H said he didnt have any money. S14 responded with "thats funny, you had money to buy that new hunting rifle but you cant buy me some binders?"...ummmm....wow!! I guess he does see more then I give him credit for. He has lost a lot of respect for his D and Im wondering how that is going to be repaired...but that is not my situation to worry about. I know this.
I just really [censored] to see my S14 have to come to these realizations about life at this age...

I know this is all over the place, just needed to get it out!
really really really frustrated with things right now....

[mishka422]

It does seem that your son is processing things a little more clearly. If that is what he is getting from Alateen then fabulous! The more he expresses himself to his dad the better. Keeping it bottled up and taking it out on you is not an alternative.

I filed because he forced my hand and I didnt want a divorce, but now I just want it over with. It has been a very painfull thing for me to come to grips with and I just want my life back. What I dont understand is this is what he wanted!!..why is he making it so difficult and fighting it every step of the way when he wants it so bad??!!...

Ahhh....that is the $10,000 question isn't it? I had the same problem. Why is he making it so hard? Well, I can only tell you what my xh told me long after the fact. He said that he could only think of how everything I was doing was affecting him. It didn't matter to him how much pain his actions were causing and he didn't want to be bothered with 'doing more work'. He figured that leaving me hanging out to dry wasn't so bad, it was the status quo. He was so stressed about his own sitch that no one else mattered.

Just a perspective from the other side....as warped as it may be.

All that means is, it doesn't matter what he is doing or why, it only matters what you do for YOU and your kids. THE END!

[imthemom]

I think thete all idiots...over the weekend he was texting me "maybe im ment to be miserable my whole life" blah blah blah......
Boo freaken hoo...its pathetic what he is doing, and still just thinking of himself...

[mishka422]

OH LORDY! Yep, ditto. I told you it's a script, right? They are so miserable yet they strike up these twisted R's with the op and then whine to us (the people they still trust even though we don't trust them) about how miserable their life is. All of this after they have been playing 'fat and happy' with the op.

Yep, they're a mess alright!

ITM, my only suggestion at this moment is ignore his texts about his crappy life, don't be empathetic, don't do anything. Just shake your head in disbelief and move on with the life you are creating for you and your son.

[imthemom]

I dont know how much more disgusted I can get.....
Im going through all medical reciepts to get paperwork together for taxs and come across all the old reciepts for appts with MC that we "tried" when we seperated...We went for about 2 months (maybe 8 sesssions) but she was a quack and would just sit and read to us and then lecture for another 1/2 hour...i finally said we need to find someone else to help us and H just never did.

I dont know if you remember but in Co parenting it came out that after I left he not only was still drinking but started takeing RX drugs as well, he then realized how bad it was and started the out pt. program on Feb 17th. Well in looking at the reciepts we were going to MC starting the last week of Dec and stopped beginning of Feb. So he was pretty much high and drunk the whole time we were supose to be "working on" our marriage..and he says that he tried and it didnt work so thats why he is not interested in trying now....I dont know why, but that made me furiouse!!!...He truly is lost, and Im sad that he is just fooling himself like this.

Well, just wanted to vent...get it out, and move on. Just one more thing to look at and say WOW!!!...nothing is what it seems...

[MynameisMZ]

The frustrating thing is that nobody can truly recover while they are addicted and using alcohol and drugs. Seems like he has a big fog over him. Be good to yourself ITM! Let it be about you now. How about a pedi?!

[imthemom]

just got back from ER with S14 again..torn ligaments in his ankle (he was at the skatepark)
I text and called H with no response..then decided to call one more time as we were leaving as i thought it was broken because he couldnt put any weight or walk on it at all. H finally answered very annoyed and rude and said he was watching the super bowl what did I need...i was pretty taken aback, his tone was really rude, but just told him what happened and that we were going to ER.. I asked "are you at home" and he said yes but was watching the game....why dont i just give him a call if they decide to put a cast on because if they do that then of cours ill come down....????? WTF???? I said "are you kidding me???" let me add that H lives 4 blocks away..and the ER is about 1 mile away from our house.. I didnt really know what else to say so I hung up...it was obviouse the ow was there and he wasnt going to be bothered. so i loaded my 145 lb son in my truck all by myself ... He then called while we were on our way and asked where i was taking him and I told him which ER. he then hemmed and hawed about coming and finally said "just call me and let me know what they say"....S14 actually said when i got off the phone "well at least he called to check on me"...O my gawd!!! I am so angry right now!!!!!..His son has been blowing him off for weeks because he thinks his dad doesnt care and H has a chance to step up to plate and do something to show his son he matters and this is what he does?????? I never say anything to S14 about H..I stay out of it but this time I just lost it...i told him that he deserved better then a phone call, and that a dads responsability is to be there no matter what, when ever you need him and DO NO SETTLE FOR HIS BS!!!!! I know I shouldnt have said anything but Im tired of it..tired of making excuses for him and tired of his bs about never being given the chance to step up...and tired of him BSing my son.
who the heck is this person??? what happened to this man 6 months ago that makes him all the sudden not give a crap about his son and his feelings?? How does a person behave this way and not feel like crap???!!!! I DONT GET IT!!!!
Then of course S14 wants to call H when we finally get home and he asks him point blank why he didnt come to the ER with us and H tells him I didnt tell him which one we were going to....which of course S14 heard me tell him, then S14 asks him who he is with and H says no one, hes watching the game alone. S14 gets off the phone and says "dad just lied to me, he said he was alone but I could hear people and then he said we didnt tell him which ER we went to and we did"...I just stood there and didnt really know what to say so said nothing.
I know this is not my problem to fix, I know there is nothing I can do about it...but when it effects my son like this it makes me want to snap someones neck!!!!!...He is a pathetic excuse for a father and I really dont even think he deserves to be called by that title. We are amazing!!! and if he chooses to sit over there in his sad pathetic little life with his girlfriend who he is so miserable with then have at it you freaken idiot!!!..you dont deserve to have a family as amazing as us..just sit over there and keep whining about your miserable life and wallow in it for all I care..

woooosh....ok, i think im done...im not even gonna read this before I post it...i needed to just vomit all of that out and get rid of it...deep cleansing breath...glass of wine..im good.