Bea, Over Christmas I went through a power struggle over agreed child support with stbx. Though it wasn't as much as you're dealing with, the principal was the same. PA and Power and control.
He waited till the middle of December, of all months to tell me he couldn't afford to pay me child support. Of course he couldn't pay because his attorney fees went up due to me getting an attorney. Just like you said they go ballistic when we get our own attorneys and stand up for what is legally ours to begin with. I mean I had to find it commical....the excuses he was giving me. My attorney quickly got on his case. Next thing you know he's upset that my attorney is sending him nasty letters, and how else could he feel but personally attacked all the time?
However he quickly did change his tune and has been very compliant since. He's decided to play "nice" for now. No more sand throwing in the sand box.
I've changed my reactions to his behavior. I keep it simple and direct. If he's spewing too much I just leave it alone.
I was reading that narcissistic people (sorry but as far as Im concerned this MLC, and PA have a huge narcissistic factor)seem to respond with firm boundaries, yet given with calm kindness.
Very much like a toddler and a tantrum. They will fight you with everything they've got, tooth and nail, but in actuality what they do crave is boundaries.
And now that I think about it, everytime push came to shove and a big boundary was set with my stbx, he seemed to respond well.
as I look back, I quite making those boundaries because he was an adult. I expected adult behavior from him. When he stopped acting like one, I just didn't bother with putting my foot down and let him twist in the wind.
