Too Little, Too Late...part 5

[RoRoinMD]

When I would say something similar to this (there is no OW in my sitch) a friend would say to me, "This is more about him than you, this is not about what you did or didn't do, it's about what he can or can't do."

Gotta agree with labug here. This is something I will be repeatedly saying to myself. Just reading it here helped.

Keep your head up purg! Hope you're a dancing queen right now to your playlist! :-)

[mr mr]

^^^^^^^:-)

[purgatory]

WELL, this day went to he!! in a handbasket quick!

H came by after work to see the boys.

He had a couple of questions about the latest draft of our papers. I told him that I was ok to talk about a few of his issues, but other ones I would need some time to gather my thoughts. Without writing the entire conversation, here's the highlights:

* H has decided that he DOESN'T want to stay 'separated forever' as we agreed on our last conversation a few days ago. He said he can't explain it, but that it would feel like our M was always hanging over him. (flash to my heart breaking again, and trying not to cry). He apologized for doing this to me.
* because of this ^^^^ revelation, we now have to agree on a specific date that our papers go into effect... this led to some not so fun discussions about how he can prove [his idea] date, how i think [my idea] date is more accurate... which led to the issue of when he is eligible to file for the official D (1 year after L.sep.) He even went as far to tell me that he's researched HOW to file for D even if he's overseas. (my thoughts are racing about how motivated he is to do this!!)
* H says that we can drag this out based on my medical needs- since we still don't know what my long-term needs are.... gee, thanks- you're such a nice guy.
* H said some statement about "it needs to be completely done, not half way." So that led me into telling him that he needs to be completely moved out, no half way. I explained that he can't just stop by whenever he wants to. I told him that on his days off, he is allowed to see the kids, but he has to ask/notify me of his intentions, and I reserve the right to say no.
I told him: "You have made it clear that *this* isn't your home anymore, that you don't want *this* life, so you have to consider yourself a guest and act accordingly."
H said: "I don't have a problem with that. I should have been asking our permission all along."
{HE DOESN"T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT?!?!?!? WOW, he really has no emotional connection to me, this house or this life anymore!!!}
I also told him that I realize this can't go into effect until I get back from Florida, since he will be living here for 2 weeks while I'm gone.

I feel like sh!t right now. I feel like there is NO HOPE for ever turning this around.... well, gotta go take care of the kids. I'm sure I'll be back with some more whining/crying.... sorry that this board is my only place to safely vent out all my fears, sadness and frustrations. Thanks for listening (reading).

[RoRoinMD]

((((purg))) I am so sorry. I'm new so I don't have any words of wisdom that would really help, but know that I am thinking of you and praying for your sitch.

[ces67]

(((((((((purg))))))))))) sorry. That's just gotta hurt and there's no denying it. But please remember that the pain is not you and it will pass. You're learning who you are and how to be that person and this pain won't change that.

[purgatory]

Thank you Ro and Ces, the hugs are nice.

To make matters worse, when I came back into the room (after excusing myself for a minor cry session and to write that previous post) He had the AUDACITY to as if I was ok.... REALLY?!?!?!
I said: "No, I'm not ok, but what option do I have?" (not my proudest moment)
He said he couldn't understand why I was so upset about getting D instead of 'sep forever'.... "what's the difference?"
I explained to him that with a D, there are financial and medical issues to be resolved, and those are scary. **I was really upset that he challenged my reaction.. for the record- he didn't see me cry, but I left the room quietly, so I'm sure he put 2 and 2 together.)

Then when he left, he gave me a one arm hug and had sad puppy eyes.
What the he!!is that ^^^^^^^ about???

I had to go outside to get S6 from the neighbor's house, and I saw H watching me in his rear view mirror when he drove off.

[BFloat]

((((purg))))

that was a tough conversation. Sometimes if feels as though
things are getting better and than the roller coaster dips down.. Again!

I think that's why i'm trying to focus on the LRT and really letting go. So hard! But I became so attached to H and his actions affected me so much that I was really losing myself. Sigh. Go back and read the lyrics to that song I posted. .

My H is only here every second weekend now. This past weekend was the first for him away from the kids and I think it made him realize how painful it really was for me all those other weekends. Plus since I am not engaging him in conversation and being all buddy buddy.. Maybe some of the reality of D has occured to him. Ah.. But one can only hope!

Focus on you now. Create a beautiful life for you and your kids. H will do and say what he wants. That doesn't mean we don't have hope.. I think it just means it no longer inhibits us.

You are a beautiful, smart, loving woman. Believe that because I certainly believe you are! Be strong! Be bold! You are going to come out on top. And we will all be right here with you cheering you on.

((((( ))))) Vegas??

sometimes i wonder if I'm making any sense. I often post from phone and can't really see what I've written. Lol. I'm really quite eloquent normally. Hahahaha

[BklynMom]

Your H is such a good guy. Look at how he is willing to let you stay on his medical insurance. What's the big deal that he is walking out on a 20 month old baby? Who leaves a 20 month old; what is your husband a basketball player or rock star?

Who does this and then wants to be told what a stand-up guy he is? Look if you want to be a bastard go ahead, but dont act like your a prince. Its pathetic. The truth is, it doesnt matter wtf you did, you & your kids do not deserve this.

This has nothing to do with your bad behavior this has to do with your H not being man enough to take care of his family.

Hang in there. As much as you want to punch him the only way is to turn the other check. Stick with the program. But man your H deserves a kick in the face.

[purgatory]

BF-now that I've made my boundary about him coming over- I'm hoping that H feels the pain of his decision. He will be here every other weekend and wed/thurs nights- I really wish I had somewhere else to stay on this nights. I've resolved myself to really try the LRT- aside from kid issues. Going away for 2 weeks should make that easier. I'll start saving for Vegas!!!
Bklyn: I got a laugh out of your post- I needed that!! H can't play b-ball and he sings horribly, so I think of we stick to politician- that fits a little better it makes me so mad how he says "I'm really sorry that I'm doing this to you" and gives me the sad eyes, as if that's supposed to make it ok?!?! I think he says it to make himself feel like a better guy: (in his head) 'see, I feel bad for hurting her, so that means I care and im not just running away, I'm a good guy.'

Puuuhleeeeeaaaase!!

I'm really angry tonight. I'm super impressed with myself that I didn't blow up on him at any point- b/c there were a few times I normally would have and not felt at all guilty!! This should make detaching *that* much easier....

[31nheartbroken]

I'm still very new to this site and I have barely begun to start detaching and DBing but, I want to commend you on laying down the house rules. Now he'll no longer be able to just sneak in during the middle of the night! It's important for him to realize that you're not gonna be a pushover and that urging you to decide on dates is not gonna make you slide backwards and lose any of the progress you have made in yourself. No matter how much he thinks it's just a show!