I would specifically like to reach out to 25, grace, and anyodne who has had long separations but no divorce...
I know my separation isnt long, it has only been 5 months or so.. but I am begining to see that this is comfortable for my H, the door is not closed.. he is just gone...I am trying to understand boundaries..
I know my h will keep this going until he either wants to start a new relationship with someone who pushes him to divorce or if he sees a financial gain from d, both are pretty stupid reasons to me, but I am not him and cant guess where is mind is..
my main question is what is your advice on dating during this period.. not that i want to, but if it where to happen, what do you do? does that make sense? I know he is not dating, because he has told me that is not what this is about for him. but in time i believe that will change.i on the other hand feel as though maybe it would be good to get out. any and all advice or experience on this would be greatly appreciated
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
l2l, I don't know if I'm really any long term separation, but having been physically separated for 15 months...
I've tossed the idea around. Although I've been no where near being able to have any kind of stable R. Truly though, I could make it for quite some time, yet...
That doesn't mean that I haven't gone places or hung out with members of the opposite sex. Just nothing even remotely romantic or intimate... Just lunch, or coffee, a drink or two sharing war stories...
I've heard it said this way and I'd agree... You'll know when you're ready.
In my case, I figured when I was ready to start dating... I was ready to file...
I really dont think I will ever be ready to date.. I have been down this road once before, it wasnt easy but I knew the r was over. I am not capable of forgiving cheating.. but with this R, he hasnt cheated, he is cold as ice, and living life with out his family and seems content with that.
He does however back slide a bit from time to time and reach out to me, nothing terribly significant just random text messages sharing something that seemed important to him..
I know in his own mind this is good for him, its bad for us, but selfish is something he does... so i continue my path of GAL, and try to focus on the good in my life.. and there is a lot of good...
Kaffe, I agree 100% with you as far if I am ready to start dating I will be ready to file...
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
I know my h will keep this going until he either wants to start a new relationship with someone who pushes him to divorce or if he sees a financial gain from d, both are pretty stupid reasons to me, but I am not him and cant guess where is mind is..
You state you can't guess where his mind is but just prior to that state what he is going to do. You are projecting/mind reading here. You have no idea where he will be a month from now and can not control that.
Only you can decide to throw in the towel when you feel you are truly finished but from being on these boards I think that we both know 5 months is not a very long time.
Continue to detach and GAL. Time is on your side, if you want it to be.
I've been separated 10 months and change...I wouldn't date, I want to restore my marriage. I want to honor my H, my vows, my marriage, dating would not help me achieve those goals.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Let me add a divorced person's view on this. I DB'ed like crazy when my ex dropped the bomb. A few months after it was over, I realized that it wasn't her I was fighting for, it was the idea of what we were. She had changed so much that it would have never worked. So look at where BOTH of you are right now. Is your spouse the person you want or have they morphed into somebody you don't know. You really need to figure this out first.
Another thing that I realized (especially after reading several other people's sitch's) is that some spouses are extremely selfish when they want out/change into an alien. They say just enough to you to give you hope but do what they want and ask for more from you. Be very carefull about this. You want it to work out so much that you end up doing things you might not have done. For me, it was giving money and possesions.
Brian makes some valid points but I feel like some of us aren't fighting for the idea of what we were but for the idea of what we could be. I have been seperated 6 months and their are times when I think that this is not the person I want to be with and then other times when I can envision us having a great M.
It's a tough balance to weigh where we are and where they are when they are confused and in need of space. At least in my sitch I feel it necessary for her to have this time by herself and only time will tell where we will end up.
Brian makes some valid points but I feel like some of us aren't fighting for the idea of what we were but for the idea of what we could be. I have been seperated 6 months and their are times when I think that this is not the person I want to be with and then other times when I can envision us having a great M.
It's a tough balance to weigh where we are and where they are when they are confused and in need of space. At least in my sitch I feel it necessary for her to have this time by herself and only time will tell where we will end up.
I agree with you sayitantso...I would have loved for my marriage to work out and my ex be the person she COULD be. But it just wasn't going to happen. Every sitch is different in some way. I hope all of you have more of a chance then I did, but regardles, fix yourselves in the process! I LOVE being happy!!! That was going to happen whether we worked out or not!
Brian..this is something I ask myself daily.. however i do feel he is in there somewhere.. it was like someone flicked a switch, not months of horrible fighting,, more like one strange morning led to a blowup which brings us here nearly 6 months later.
My happiness means alot to me, because it makes me a better mom for my kids, this is what means the most to me.. does that make sense?
I do feel as though at times he gives me just enough to have hope and recently I have discovered he was quite abusive, strang that I never realized it was abuse.. couldnt connect the dots beings he never laid a hand on me.
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
