Not sure of next step

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That's awesome my friend, GOOD FOR YOU! Let's inventory progress:

-- She doesn't want to separate
-- She wants things to work out
-- She offered to ML
-- She complimented your progress
-- She said she's willing to "try" doing some work
-- She's talking longer term with you in the picture

Obviously not the goal line until you feel better, but definitely lined up in the right direction.

You told her you want to see some effort from her. Did you talk about what that looks like? You need to be specific or she's going to miss. What do you want her to do / say specifically?

One concept my DB coach introduced me to is the relationship wheel. You rate how you're feeling across a range of elements -- parenting, living situation, money, romance, etc. You each put it on a 10 point scale and then share and discuss your answers. You can Google for the categories, there are many versions of it. How you do it is key:

First, if something is a 7, you explain why it's better than a 6. This is important, it highlights the positive and gives you credit for what's going well. It's tempting to skip that step -- don't. Second, you ask what would need to happen for it to be an 8. Don't shoot for 9 or 10, just one number higher. Stay away from feelings -- "what would I/we/you be doing if this were an 8?" Then, see if you can set a goal to get there and check back in. If you do that for a couple months you'll be able to see and recognize progress, so she'll feel less fear of backsliding. If backsliding does start to occur, you have a mechanism to catch it right away.

Your W is afraid of relapsing or going back to where you were. This exercise can help to treat that fear by demonstrating progress and helping you to set reasonable and attainable goals.

WRT the MC, definitely do the selection process yourself -- interview them. They must say the keyword "solution based". I also asked them if they considered themselves marriage friendly and in what situations they would advocate divorce or separation. Go by yourself first and figure out if it's going to work for both of you before you bring W. If you're going to go once per month, try doing a "double session" (2 hours) to start, one hour is not enough.

I still recommend the DB coach for where you are right now, just try one call, there is a coupon on Facebook for a discount on the DB page. I worked with Cheryl.

I'm about half way through "Sex starved marriage" and I'd really like the w to read it. Do you think this is a good idea?

Yes, I think it's an excellent idea. The book does a better job of explaining how you feel and why than you can do. It's not a good idea with a WAW, but if she says she wants to reconcile, then that is a great thing to do. You know my W doesn't like to be asked to do anything, and that's the one thing she did agree to do that made the most difference to our piecing is read that book. Your W may feel that "no sex" isn't that big a deal and that you can serve yourself and that's fine. The book does an excellent job explaining why that's not true and that it's a critical big deal.

The issue of the book is the title -- that's going to be a turn off as it can read like an accusation. I explained to my W that it was really a relationship book with a provocative title and explained MWD's definition of "sex starved": that there is a "desire gap" that bothers the HD partner. That's it. If you ML 3 times per week and you want it 5 and that bothers you, you have an SSM.

What I really liked about the book is the description of cycles that SSM causes. When you are turned down for sex you feel deep rejection which leads to resentment. Resentment leads to emotional withdrawal, and when you do that, W doesn't get her needs met for connection / communication / talking, etc. When she isn't getting those needs met, she's less inclined to ML and down the drain you go. It's a self-reinforcing negative cycle.

The book talks about the fact that you can get that to spin the other way. If you meet her needs even when you don't ML, she's more likely to be accommodating. If she provides ML when you want it even when she doesn't, you're more likely to provide for her needs, and you start spinning in a positive direction.

That concept applies to many areas of the relationship beyond sex, it's a "pay it forward" type mentality.

Shaky, I'm really happy for you, that's almost the best discussion you could have had with W based on how you're feeling. If you can afford it, consider working on planning that trip. It will give you something to work on together, look forward to, and anticipate. That can't hurt right now.

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