you have some very good contributors posting with you. i'll do my best to uphold their standards!
going back a few days. yes, 1% becomes 2% becomes 3% and etc. and just in the days since then (last friday) i see more and more tangible examples of progress and successful incorporation of DB philosophy and strategies. and i do agree that reading and re-reading DR until it becomes absolute second nature is very wise.
but also consider this. you are a quick study as they say. and don't judge yourself too much when you don't apply the DB strategy in the way you like. you are training yourself and this takes time. you are progressing and succeeding!
i challenge you to go back over your posts since i last posted on friday and see how many references you made to acting differently than you would have in the past. then let's compare lists. i'd like to comment on one of those. your H called you in to watch something with him. you went in, you shared, you laughed and then you left. utterly brilliant, my dear, utterly brilliant!
i tend to agree with the poster who thinks this shows he is in a state of confusion or mixed feelings. if that's true, it means you are in the mix - more so than in situations where there are no such displays of mixed feelings. if he's in the bathroom crying about what's happening in his life and marriage, this may show he is feeling guilty (as well as potentially thrilled by OW). if so, it's so smart to let him ruminate with his own mixed feelings rather than either over-pursuing him and/or scolding and attacking him. just be the kind of person that no one in their right might would feel entitled to betray.
Oys2 – thanks for your comments. I’m trying really hard to GAL. It’s so hard sometimes. I will read back over my posts. I have a hard time giving myself compliments. Maybe this will help. I still don’t feel like I’ve gotten the DB principles down. I really need to sit down and read and highlight. I’m good at highlighting. LOL
So, I took a day off the boards yesterday. Because I am seriously living in the Land of Bazarro. My H came home Sunday night around 11pm. We sat and talked for a while, and he was extra talkative about the weekend. He got to see some high school friends and was EXTRA excited. Told me I just HAVE to meet one of them. (I wanted to ask when, before or after we split, but I didn’t. LOL)
I then did something I said I wouldn’t do. I asked him if he had worn his wedding ring at all the whole weekend. Then he proceeds to tell me how he can’t find it and how upset he was and that he’d been looking for it all weekend. I said YOU LOST IT? He gave me this fearful look and said he thought it might be somewhere in his car. I just said Wow, and didn’t say anything else about it.
Then my trip to the Land of Bazarro gets even crazier…so I take a shower and I am basically hiding out in my bathroom because I don’t want to have to deal with the whole pillow/blanket/couch debacle. I hear him moving around in the bedroom, but don’t come out until he’s gone. I come out and say “Oh you got your pillows?” He says, “Yes.” I say, “I only did that so my sister would not ask me a bunch of questions.” He says, “Its fine.” Then I lose myself for a minute and say/yell slightly, “Well, clearly it’s not fine if you’re still sleeping on the couch.”
I instantly felt bad. There went my DB skills out the window. But there wasn’t anything I could do then. Not at 1:30 AM. So…guess who comes padding in to the room about 20 mins later? I didn’t say a word…just moved to my side and went to sleep. Or tried to go to sleep. Because my H then proceeds to cuddle with me. (This is a big thing for him that he loves and we hadn’t really been doing this at all. I never said much about it though.) I tense up for half a second and then relaxed. Told myself to breath and just go to sleep. But I didn’t get much sleep at all. I was too busy up thinking what in the world is going on? And fighting for covers, which honestly I hadn’t missed. LOL
Same thing last night. I came home from kickboxing, and he was his same talkative self. We watched a documentary on an R&B group we love, and then both went to bed around the same time. Here comes the cuddling again. We both tossed and turned literally all night. Then this morning things got even stranger. When we first got together, we would do this thing that we called our “good morning”. And I could always tell when my H wanted his “good morning”. Well, I got that same vibe this morning, but didn’t make one move. It was the strangest thing. He hasn’t touched me like that in MONTHS. And now this.
Of course in my head, I’m hearing Wendy Williams say, “Oh no you didn’t!” LOL At first I was FURIOUS. Really, after all this time, here you are now? UGH! But I just laid there, still as a church mouse, with his arm draped across me. Finally, we both had to get up or we were going to be late for church. I think he was really waiting on me to make the first move. Doing so would have been a true 180 for me because I never really initiated before. Well I did, just not a lot. But…with all this OW stuff, I felt this would have been a mistake to do this today. Even as bad as I wanted to do it. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel different. *shrug*
I took a long time, and many words to say that I still don’t know what’s going on in my M. But, I am feeling better about things. At least today I am. One day at a time. Today I woke up thinking, I just don’t want to talk about H. I don’t want to think about H and our M. I just want to live today. And so far, so good.
Wow- sounds like you did have an interesting weekend/evening! I'm impressed that you kept yourself 'together' when he crawled in the bed with you- I think I might have jumped all over my H if he ever did that now because I miss the affection so much. Isn't it strange when the WAS acts 'as if' nothing is wrong?! Very confusing for us LBS. I struggle to not over think and analyze what his 'strange' actions mean... looks like you're doing a good job not dwelling on it.
RO said: "I took a long time, and many words to say that I still don’t know what’s going on in my M. But, I am feeling better about things. At least today I am. One day at a time. Today I woke up thinking, I just don’t want to talk about H. I don’t want to think about H and our M. I just want to live today. And so far, so good."
This is very positive thinking! It's really hard to get to that mindset, but if you can stay there- its the best thing for your sanity!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Purg - It took everything in me to NOT jump on him. LOL Another 180 is not saying anything at all. This whole process has made me so much calmer (AKA in denial) than I used to be. The small stuff just doesn't seem important anymore.
I'm also still struggling with the overthinking and analyzing. It's something I have to constantly work on. Hence the thought - not thinking about that today.
H just called out of the blue to see how my day was. We normally talk at least once a day, but it had been me calling for the last few weeks. If I go back, I'm sure its been longer than that, I just hadn't noticed. (This is pursuing I know, but I also know how my H works. He used to like to talk to me at least once during the day, just to check in.)
Work was crazy and I just didn't feel like calling today. So he called right before left to go home just to chat and tell me what he planned to do when he got home (work out)? Especially when he'll probably have his daily after work call with the OW?
On my way home from working out, I called to see if H wanted me to grab him something to eat since I was picking something up for myself. He did. Thanked me for asking. As I'm walking up the sidewalk to the house about 20 mins later, he comes outside and proceeds to help me bring everything in.
He used to do this when we first got together. Not so much anymore.
Please note: The only way he would have known I was even coming was if he was waiting for me, due to the location of our parking lot.
Has yet another alien taken over my H's body? What is really going on? I'm afraid another bomb of some sort is coming or something.
One of my friends checked on me this morning to see how I was. She is going through her own marriage troubles. Her H cheated has cheated before, but they stayed together. She found out he had been corresponding through email with someone else recently, and she told him she wanted to separate. So they have been separated for a few months.
So she asks me what is going on with H and I. I tell her we haven't talked since the other week about our M, but I've been trying to GAL and just stay busy. I tell her I know H is still talking to the OW. She tells me I need to have a conversation with H, because I can't stay in limbo forever. Which I agree with. And that he's still disrespecting me and I should not let that happen.
But honestly, I just don't think now is the time to have another conversation about our M. And following DB principles, that is correct. But...the A is still going on (to what extent I don't know since she's in another state, but probably still by phone, email, & Twitter). My friend told me I was in denial, which is probably true to some degree.
I need some help here. I told my friend I was okay for now dealing with my situation the way it is. I know if the A doesn't end, there will come a time when I have to issue a "her or me" ultimatum. I'm just not feeling that now is the time for that. I still don't know if he's really moving out in a couple of weeks or not. He hasn't mentioned it all again, which I know doesn't mean it's not going to happen. But I don't want to push him further away if there's any chance he's thinking about staying.
Those not familiar with DB do not understand what we're trying to do. I completely agree with you on not wanting to be in limbo, but if you do bring up your M, it will likely push H further away. I would advise against it, as hard as it may seem. You are not in denial, you know what is going on.
You need to re-read the 37 rules as a reminder. I need to do that every so often myself. Try not to think about what he is doing and focus on YOURSELF! Do NOT call him to talk about his day. If he calls you, be friendly, but try to end the conversation before he does.
Thanks nh. That's what I was thinking to. Not having the conversation.
I know I need to not call him. It's such a hard habit to break. At least yesterday I didn't, and he called me. But I have been working on ending conversations first.
GAL: Kickboxing, Curves, DB boards, and liturgical dance at church. It's getting easier to get out of bed in the morning most days. But some days, it's all I can do to get up and get dressed. I tend to overload myself with activities, and can burn out quickly, and become a very irritable individual. Hence, another issue my husband has.
Those are great GAL activities! I used to do cardio kickboxing and felt so awesome afterwards. Do you actually get to kick and punch? What a great stress reliever that would be!!!
Don't do too much if it burns you out. Or better, try to think of things that are not as physically challenging like going to the library to read a book, or to a book store or cafe where you can sit down, have some coffee or tea and read a few pages.
Have you tried yoga or meditation? Or reading zen or buddhist quotes or books? I find that there are a lot of "teachings" around self-control, inner piece, etc. I try to remember to look up a few things when I can.
Hang in there! There will be days where you'll feel better than others, but with time you will start finding your inner piece. Think about what YOU want, how you can make YOURSELF better. Don't waste too much energy thinking about what your H is doing, thinking or saying. No matter what you say right now, he will not "hear" what you have to say. Try to distance yourself while still remaining "pleasant" and "friendly". It's easier said than done, but just try to immediately start thinking "DB" when you see your H, or when your mind starts to wander.
