Living with a WAW while going through a D part IV

[Rick1963]

"Glad I did, although you are probably going to want to put your walking shoes back on..."

Not at all Cat and glad you stopped by.

"How has that changed now, other than you not allowing it? Do you still have the instinct to respond badly?"

Yes I still have those instincts but we are working them out in IC. It has changed in the fact that I am aware of how wrong it was. And yes I am not allowing the behavior at this point. My understanding is that by been aware of them that they will in time be substituted with new and acceptable behavior. If that makes sense.

"And what does that say about controlling tendencies?"

I agree to being controlling. It really has been a problem for me. I never really paid attention to how much I nagged and critized her to be who I wanted her to be.

"Or have you really changed the behavior?"

I have changed the behavior externally. Meaning I am not criticizing or nagging at home or at work. But it is still in there. It is something that needs more work.

You asked that I start over. So I will.

I would ask the genie these instead:

1- to stop getting angry when I feel disrespected.
2- to stop getting angry when I feel rejected
3- that new and acceptable behaviors become a true part of myself and who I am.

[Rick1963]

I don't want to leave this out. I had a reaction to your post Cat. My cheeks felt warm. So something that I struggle with is esteem issues.

[keep_going]

Rick,

I think all these are things YOU can control, with hard work...

I am with you and I know how you feel, because I HAVE THE SAME ISSUES...
BUT
you first need to be convinced that you can do this!!!

So no need to ask a genie for that.
(See what I am saying?)

Don't dispair!

[Mach1]

I have changed the behavior externally. Meaning I am not criticizing or nagging at home or at work. But it is still in there. It is something that needs more work.

Drive for show...putt for dough...


Oh crap, this isn't the Golf forum is it ?

Anyway...same concept....

[cat04]

Yes I still have those instincts but we are working them out in IC. It has changed in the fact that I am aware of how wrong it was. And yes I am not allowing the behavior at this point. My understanding is that by been aware of them that they will in time be substituted with new and acceptable behavior. If that makes sense.

Yes it makes sense.

I am just not sure how much I buy into the idea that simply being aware of something is enough.

My X has a angry streak. He is aware of it. Still, there has been rare occasion where that anger has gotten out of control. Because he has not dealt with the underlying issues for that anger. Until he does, there will continue to be outbursts in his life.

I have changed the behavior externally. Meaning I am not criticizing or nagging at home or at work. But it is still in there. It is something that needs more work.

Changing externally is the first step.

Definately not the last.

I would ask the genie these instead:

1- to stop getting angry when I feel disrespected.
2- to stop getting angry when I feel rejected
3- that new and acceptable behaviors become a true part of myself and who I am.

So since we know that there is no genie, I will ask you this.

1. What sorts of things make you feel disrespected?
2. What sorts of things make you feel rejected?
3. Why do you react with anger when these things happen?

Anger is a masking emotion. For other emotions that are harder to deal with.

When I feel rejected, I feel hurt. Sad. Lonely. Unwanted. Unworthy.

It is easier to wrap all of that up into an angry reaction, be mean and snippy with people than to examine what is really going on. And the anger passes quicker than the pain.

However, the better solution, because I do not like myself when I react with anger, is to understand what it is that is causing me to feel the rejection. If there is some coorelation between the present and the past. And to learn what I need to then give to myself in order for me to feel better.

When I first got into my current R, I would feel rejection when BF had his children or other people around and was giving them the attention that I wanted.

Why did this hurt me so deeply? Because within my M, my X gave attention to other people first. He was much more interested in his friends, his family, his OW, than he was with me. His W. I was always a side thought for him. Similar to the way I was treated by my own parents. The last, least important person.

While this made me a very strong and independent person in many ways, it also left me craving attention, feeling rejection at even the smallest slight, and very angry.

After I found DB, learned unconditional love, forgivness, etc... I thought that I had conquered that. Because I wasn't angry anymore. I was focused on myself, my life, and making me happy.

X was doing his thing and I was really ok with that and whatever outcome our M had (which is one of D, although I would have faced the rejection thing if we had reconciled as well, because rejection is generally something that requires more than one person.)

Until I got into my new R. When I found myself feeling similar feelings, I had to dig deeper, as we say here. To understand the root and figure out how to kill it.

I had bought into those silent messages of rejection. I felt unworthy to myself. I felt unimportant to myself.

I had to learn to undo those internal messages.

I still crave attention within the context of a relationship. I also understand that just because I might not receive it at all times, I am not necessarily being rejected. I have learned what is going on inside of me that might put me in the disposition to feel that way. When I'm tired. When I'm PMSing. When we haven't had enough one on one time. I have learned how to articulate what I DO need, and if I don't receive it (because we can't always get what we want) I have also learned what I can give to myself (GAL type stuff) so that it really isn't that bad.

See how this works?

Brutal honesty. With the most important person first and foremost. Myself.

Simple, not easy, but simple.

[Rick1963]

Cat you are asking me to look at my upbringing which I have only glanced over and put away. But yes the people who should have loved me unconditionally did not or did not know how. I never talked about it since my experience was different from my siblings. But they stunk at parenting and they were lousy spouses to each other. We moved alot and they fought constantly. They were to busy making eachother miserable to pay attention to us. I kind of raised
myself. Left when I was 18 and never dealt with stuff. Didn't think I needed.

Yes they rejected me and constantly criticized me and put me down. So I guess that is where I learned this. I too feel unloved when I don't get attention. I remember Sandi2 asking early on how I maintain Rs? I really never thought of but now that I have. I can say that I never had. Only long term R with anyone other than my siblings has been my W.

So I guess I have a lifetime of work ahead just know that I am game.

I will answer your 3 questions when I can think better.

[gunny]

Hey Rick,
I applaud you on your honesty and willingness to listen to constructive feedback, many of us could learn a thing or two from your reaction, thanks,
Gunny

[Rick1963]

"So since we know that there is no genie, I will ask you this."

1. What sorts of things make you feel disrespected?

not being heard, not acknowledging a statement, not valuing my opinion, disregarding a desire or request, ignoring me, valuing someone else over me (these are just some)

2. What sorts of things make you feel rejected?

Not wanting to spend time with me, not including me in plans,not asking for my input, unwanted, that I may not be good enough, smart enough, good looking enough (sounds pretty childish don't it)

3. Why do you react with anger when these things happen?

The one thing that I came up with and bothers me is that I want the person to fear me. Now that is pretty sad because the last thing I would want to do is hurt anyone. But I guess that is it.

The other thought I had is that it is easier to feel angry than to feel anything else, especially fear as to how the other person will respond. If that makes sense

Rough stuff

[cat04]

I am curious...

You said you had a reaction to my initial comments.

Did they make you feel disrespected?

While that was not the intent, I can see how that could have happened, I tend to be a little blunt.

[Rick1963]

Cat your post threw me off balance. First because it came out of nowhere and secondly because of the content.

My initial reaction was to intellectualize it. I knew you were trying for me to gain insight. But that was drowned by an overwhelming sense of humiliation follow E by some anger. Hence my cheeks getting hot. Best DBing martial arts move ever. So it is a bit clearer how my brain works

I did try and connect the dots of my childhood and my current behavior. And they correlate. Once I have a better grasp of the above I will post my history here so it makes sense to others.

Thanks again hope my answer makes sense