I can't imagine how challenging it is to recalibrate your concept of marriage. You do have the right to claim your own happiness, and to define what a fulfilling life would look like for *you*... perhaps it's different now than 10 years ago because of new experiences. Whatever conclusion you come to, it will not have been without challenges, heartache and LOTS of patience.
If only your W could know how much mental and physical energy you are putting into supporting her on this scary journey for her... she is blessed.
You are a living example of unconditional love.
Purg - thanks. I think she does see how much I'm putting into this but doesn't often validate it because she may worry about creating a sitch she isn't yet ready for, and there's the guilt factor too. I don't think she's in a place yet where she can offer comfort to me. In fact she has been very clear that she can barely handle her own crisis right now, never mind the needs of others.
Being so close to her through this is a double edged sword. On one hand it offers hope that we are together still and can maybe create a better way of doing that. On the other hand I have a front row seat to her stress and I catch myself thinking often of what a crisis free M or relationship could be like. I'm just tired as I'm sure all of us here are>
As my W makes her way through her crisis and has her extreme ups and downs, and her making approaches to me then her backing away I realize that I need to detach quite a bit more than I have been, and I need to think about what/how I was pre-bomb and decide whether there is merit in seeing this through. I do love her but I need to evaluate that we might never reconcile back to the type of M I want so I need to be clear on my options. I have been really bending over backwards for her in making sure the road home is open and clear for her. I am being supportive and creating so many events/dates that we do enjoy but I find I am getting too tied to her ups/downs for my well being. The question is whether I should keep this up, the cheerleading, the H/sounding board, the social planner, etc and keep the outer "act if" mask on and eat the pain continually, or back off and risk her sliding back into her bad mental states.
I have given myself nine months of non-stop excrutiating self evaluation. When the bomb dropped I was so visously attacked that I literally blamed myself for everything and it took months for me to find enough peace to clearly evaluate things.
What I have come to realize is that I truly was a loving supportive husband all along who was totally unprepared to deal with my W's issues (she wasn't ready to face then herself), and combined with ways I dealt with it due to my own issues, added to the stress.
I have asked myself what were/are my weaknesses. I married my W because of what amazing greatness I saw in her heart and soul and our commonalities in what we believed and lived through our hearts. I also saw that she had these dark buried issues, and many of the ways that they played out in our relationship. I was very young and I thought (incorrectly) that she would respond to her traumas in the same manner I did to pull myself out of a poverty ridden/violent background.
When issues played themselves out in our M such as her inability to trust, her Peter Pan like way of living in only certain areas that she felt completely in control of and happy in, but then would withdraw into her shell or act aggresively defensive whenever anything threatened her, I was left to handle many of the adult responsibilities on my own.
I reacted in the way I knew how and used the same methods that got me out of my crazy world. I worked my butt off. I was organized, driven, and was not going to let these problems ruin us. I mistakenly thought that because this had gotten me out of a horror show, that it was how everybody should do this.
The reality of this looking back is that part of me had an inferiority issue that made me want to create a world that I wanted to be in. I also, while knowing my W's issues, had a lack of confidence in the relationship area that I was willing to accept unfair treatment that a more self-realized confident person would have drawn the line on. I told myself that this stuff will work out because why would anyone choose to live with these demons, how could our M and family not be important enough to stop the lashing out. I also didn't see how my own demons were limiting ways i could come up with to better this sitch.
So, I went for years with being patient and supportive, of trying to talk it through with her, of me turning a blind eye to the issues. When the frustration and fear began to mount I walked a weaker path. I complained about it quite a lot. In her defensive responses and running way from it I became more desperate to "fix" it. She ran from it. I pursued it.
I began to eventually close off. I was actually adopting her methods. I couldn't really hear her explanations anymore even when she spoke out because I couldn't believe she meant it, or didn't know what she was talking about. And that was because I was allowing so many unhealthy habits to affect me at the same time that I became bitter. It's was hard for me to believe she even cared, and was really taking the issues to heart when there was such a huge double standard in our life regarding trust, and I was so much on my own in the fianances and economic survival of our family. I felt she didn't love me truly because these hurtful scenarios went on forever.
I used to question my own sanity about this. Could someone really be so ovbiously hurtful, or did I really not have the ability to add things up correctly?
Then the bomb dropped and the attacks began. I really thought I had ruined our M, our family, all our lives because I initially believed every monstrous accusation. But then I got hold of myself, and remembered how in my childhood I blamed myself for so much that was in no way my fault.
As time went on amd my W began to realize that she was in trouble and her issues were completely the foundation for her life and our M, she began to realize and openly admit how her traumas were at the heart of all of this.
I felt many things internally. I felt validated that the things i saw in her 20+ yrs ago were in fact really there and were as huge as I said they were all along. I realized that I was not crazy and that while I didn't deal with it in the best way to enhance a M, I was really a great loving husband who never stopped believing we could dig out of this. I realized the source of my insecurities that allowed me to accept grossly unfair treatment, even though there were real issues causing it. I realized that I had fallen into a very defensive mindset and worried too much about how things would be good or bad for me because I didn't have the confidence to know better boundaries. Had i had that confidence I would have been probably contriubted less stress to my W's already fragile psyche.
Now, i see my W waking up to her life, confronting it, taking positive steps for her. That's great for her, and for our kids, and maybe for our M.
I feel a need to detach more but I'm not sure if it's because of a confidence issue on my part, fear of this not working out for our M, or just plain common sense.
I have this sinking feeling that while I have learned how to better handle myself in relationship issues which has allowed me to better keep the road home for her smooth and open, that what I'm really doing is helping her to get her relatonship back with her kids and family, to understand herself better, to become the person she always was meant to be and I will be discarded in the process. In fact I think I already have been. I think she'll say hey I didn't ask you to do this for me. I don't know if she will ever really know what I am or what we can be. I'm feeling extremely solitary and cast off. It really hurts me to see her so physically affectionate to everyone else when we are all together and then stone cold to me in front of everyone.
Sorry about yesterday's rambling post. It was created with the benefit of an all-night awake internal DB debate.
I recently read a link that comically described a MLC. I am still trying to understand my W's breakdown and how it relates to how she might turn out, my role in this sitch, and how it will affect my M and family. When I reads the MLC post it shicked me in how accurate it fit my sitch. I'm absolutely sure my W's breakdown is something well above and beyond A MLC, but it has me thinking that maybe they are two roled states of mind rolled into one for her.
My W has been making a lot of progress. What I think I need to learn is that progress, if there is true lasting progress, is not a steady progressive climb out of a breakdown but a series of ups and downs that maybe over time does result in upward progress. I have been so ties to her through this that I suffer the roller coaster of emotion. That is why I need to be detach in a big way while still being there for her. Not an easy route to travel.
I think my W is in a phase of falling down the rabbit hole again. Last night I went to the Bruins game. She supposed to be home with our youngest son. He was expecting her to come home after work, bring him to get some needed school supplies, and pick up some drinks on the way home because we were out. On the way home from the game I get a terxt from him telling me she never showed and could I pick up some drinks.
I picked up the drinks and arrived home. She was there sitting in the kitchen and giving me this weird look, would talk to me but when I answered would say nothing. Seeing the mental state she was in I just let it play along until she disappeared off into her room. When I left for work this morning and to drop my son off at school she was strangely still lying in bed. When I said goodby she was just staring off into space and didn't answer my goodbye. As a drove my son to school he asked if she was sick or something. He was worried in that she never showed last night to take him to the store, and never called him. He knew I was at the game so he reached out to me once he knew she was a no show. I later called her to see what's up? She was very argumentative when I asked if she was okay...pretty simple question to ask but obviously very hard to answer. I pieced together from all of this that she went out after work with a coworker and got hammered, and was in pretty rough shape this morning.
When she hits the downward slopes in this process she really has trouble holding it together. At worst, there was the suicide period, and the months long abandonment of the rest of us. At times she regresses into a kind of feral existance, coming out to go to work but then hiding in her room the rest of the time.
I'm worried that she may need more help than she's getting. Her psychiatrist has told her that he wishes he could see her every day. I worry that she may completely break down which has happened to a number of her siblings and her Mom. Her Mom and her niece are also going through "troubles" at the moment too.
I need to decide how to handle this. I have been taking the mindset that I am a single Dad who has to care of it all, the kids, finances, the house, myself, my company and employee's, etc.
I can't rely on her in her state.
I dealing with her, my MIL's sitch, my MIL's decision to move out and how to find her some of the equity she can live off of, my parent's illnesses, paying for two in college, you name it.
It feels right to stay within myself for self preservation, but I have to be careful of withdrawing from my own life. I find myself withdrawing from a lot of outside life because I need to try somehow to keep plowing through all of this.
I really need to detach from her to survive, but love her and don't wanrt to see her go down. I saw her in bed this morning, with her little feet sticking out from the covers. She looked like Tinkerbell after a car wreck. I wanted to go and comfort her but the stupid dog we adopted is scared shytless of me and barks like one of those dogs in The Omen when I get near her. Even the dog is a pain in the a$$!
Hi Rick, how are you doing? It sounds like you've come a long way since the bomb and you first started DB'ing. I think it's only natural to look back and evaluate the sitch. It's "normal" to start questioning what you want for yourself and out of your R with your W.
It seems that your W is slowly "coming out of it". But from what I've heard so far even if you've busted or close to it, you're still far from being done. Have you started reading in the Piecing section? Even if you feel that you're not close to piecing yet, I think it would be good to start getting an idea of what people are going through and the challenges they're facing.
Yes, you may need to detach a little more. I hope you feel that you're not completely alone. We're here for you and we understand you (something that friends and family can't even provide at this point). Be strong and keep your mind and self busy! You're doing great and your patience and persistence proves to be a great example for all of us, especially to us newbies!
I have given myself nine months of non-stop excrutiating self evaluation. When the bomb dropped I was so visously attacked that I literally blamed myself for everything and it took months for me to find enough peace to clearly evaluate things.
^^^ glad you are keeping this is mind. You have come a LONG way my friend and this is about you!I know you are tempted to help, I would be too, but keep your eye on the "ball".
rick, you are one of the guys I look up to here - keep it up bro!
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
Hey Rick, sorry things are so difficult right now. Keep with focusing on yourself. W has her own journey and you can't fix that, you can support her but you can't make her better.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
25 asked me what will I do if she never makes it back, or doesn't want to make it back. Its a lot to dwell on.
I dont have answers at this point.
In reading your past couple posts, I think you are stuck here. you have been thinking about this and it has knocked you on your asss.
I think you are looking too far over your shoulder to see "where" your wife is at this point.
I think you are setting yourself up for failure , based on what YOU think your wife is capable of.
It is all too easy to get caught up in the "what ifs".
What I see right now from you, is fear based. And it is such a F-ed up fear. Eventually, during a stand, the LBS goes through a fear of success. We fear being successful on our own, and we fear that we won't need our spouse in our life. We fear success because it moves us (from what we feel) is too far in a direction away from them.
And if we takes those steps, we are afraid that they will not be able to "catch up".
I ask you this Rick....Can one lead from behind ????
I think 25's question to you was entirely appropriate, and deserves your FULL attention. Yet I know that it was not intended to throw you for the loop it has thrown you in.
It was intended to move you forward, to take a step toward YOUR future.
Until you get to know yourself better, you may not be able to answer that.
Your post the other day...
That is the "meat and potatoes" of DBing. Getting to know ones self again well enough to know, without a doubt, what you are willing to sacrifice for your relationship. NOT to give you a reason to accept defeat.
Nobody knows what the future holds. And to predict what actions your wife is capable of, would be pretty arrogant. Hell, I'm pretty sure you cannot predict what YOU are capable of.
This is where the rubber meets the road in DB terms...
Defining yourself...
Please don't misunderstand.
I'm NOT telling you to stick a fork in this. Her confusion is a very GOOD sign....
What I am saying is , that you should keep on working toward defining yourself, taking steps toward your future.
And STOP looking towards her, for your answers to the questions.
In time, you will realize that you have all of your answers, you were just asking the wrong questions.
Rick - M1 makes some very valid points. Listen to him.
Also, you really do need to detach some more. I know you struggle with how to do it so that your W doesn't feel abandoned. Maybe join a weekly men's group or something non-threatening, (DivorceCare perhaps). It will give you something to occupy some of your free time and you'll get much needed support.
You've got to take care of yourself, both physically and emotionally. You may not even realize how much damage the strain is causing you.
Go get a life, Rick!!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
