The Path Less Traveled

[newgal]

Hi all, I am a devoted reader of this board, although I never post (well years ago in 2008-09 - yes I have been here a while). I enjoy reading about everybody's situations and seeing the differences yet similarities and following their journeys. I am in a different situation than most in that my H and I have remained friends and still do a lot together - mostly for the benefit of our son. I am the LBS and after 3 years of back and forth "piecing" if you want to call it that, he moved out (for the second time) last June. At this time, I am no longer trying to reconcile with him. I am grateful that we still get along fairly well because it allows me to spend more time with our son. But this type of situation has its own set of complications. I am wondering if anyone on here is handling their situation with their ex the same way, still hanging out as friends or as a family sometimes, totally without expectation to reconcile? It does not seem to be the norm at all. By the way, we are legally separated, with no plans to imminently divorce due to financial reasons. Thanks in advance for reading my post.

[BeginningAgain]

Hi Newgal,

I am in the exact same situation. My ex and I still get together with our 2 girls as a family unit on lots of occasions. We set up the custody schedule early on so that every Sunday evening we have dinner together as a family and whoever had the girls that weekend prepares the meal. After the dinner and visiting for awhile, the girls go home with the parent who did not have them that weekend (hopefully that makes sense). We have had a very amicable split with everything and these interactions are void of any stress of tension. It has worked pretty well for us at least. We also occasionally go to a sporting event together as well (we are all Hockey fans.) We all know (including the girls) that we are not looking to reconcile, but feel it is healthy for our children to see that although their parents are not "together anymore" they can be together as friends without any hard feelings.

BA

[SunFunOne]

Kudos to both of you for making this work in the best interest of your children. Most of us here who were cheated on and lied to have not been able to have any kind of similar arrangement. But it would be nice to at least be able to communicate regarding the kids.

I admire how you can do this but I'm guessing you are not in new Relationships and that your ex is not with OP either.

Barb

[newgal]

Hi BA, I do not remember if I read the particulars of your situation or not. Were you or are you involved with someone? If so, how does that work or did that work if you were still hanging with your ex as family?

Yes SunForOne, I am not in a relationship and am not looking to get into one at this time. I am enjoying being single, and will occasionally go out with a male friend but am choosing not to pursue dating at this time. I do not believe my ex is seeing anyone seriously but I don't know for sure. There was at the very least an EA or two, and most likely a PA as well.

I understand that most couples are not able to remain good friends or friends at all and believe me it has taken me 3 and a half years and a lot of back and forth emotionally to get to this point of being detached enough to be friends-only with him successfully. I only know one or two couples in real life who remained good friends with their ex-spouses. Definitely not the norm at all. It is a strange place to be.

[ClingingToHope]

I try to keep the interaction to a minimum, but my XW lives three blocks away. So the girls come and go alot. If stuff is missing, we just pop over. XW has dropped in unannounced lots of times.

We aren't friends in terms of talking. She'll drop comments in here or there about work or her family. I don't bring up anything. Just keep it to the point.

Mostly, it's just texting to make sure the girls get to their various activities.

The last time I tried to really talk to her and show interest was nearly a year ago. We both went to the girls' theater tryouts. I asked about her family, work, made eye contact.

It was really nice and after ... I just sank. All the adrenaline rushed out of me.

We haven't fought in a long time. I don't interfere with them over there and she, for the most part, doesn't interfere with them over here.

I can't ever imagine us being friends to the point where we could talk about anything other than work or the kids.

This is probably as good as it gets for a couple more years.

[ClingingToHope]

Addendum, and right now no one else is involved. I just had a six-week thing end because she was pushing me to tell my ex and get me involved in her family stuff.

I just wasn't feeling it with her and she got the message.

I have a good friend in Iowa who got along really well with his XW, they even contemplated getting remarried, but now that she's marrying someone else it's a real struggle.

Once "others" get involved, things change.