4myfamily, Im not exactly sure what you meant by his dependency need followed by denying his dependency?
These are my thoughts:
The roots of PA and MLC lie in childhood. Generally the PA remembers his childhood being deprived of caring for his needs or his parents being overly critical. Subconsciously he/she expects all relationships to be like this. They will tend to find deprivation/over-criticism where there is none. Its what they expect and if it doesn't happen they will engineer deprivation in some way to prove how uncaring others are towards them.
A securely attached child will eventually start to leave the safety of their carer making little forays into the world, but returning to check the carer is still there and all is still safe. The secure child learns bit by bit that they are not part of their carer/mother but an individual - this is individuation -becoming who we are meant to be slowly and naturally. Note: our MLCer will do little 'touch and goes just to check you are still there' Our PA or MLCer has not been securely attached as a child and missed out on individuation, they will tend to adopt an 'accommodated' persona or false self to display to the world.
Part of MLC or mid-life transformation is this (delayed) individuation or change to personality.
We humans are dependent on others for our getting physical material and emotional needs met. A Passive aggressive is basically stuck in conflict over separation, they have a desperate need to be in constant contact with someone important to them but fear rejection and separation at the same time. So they fight the dependency and strive to be independent.
This seems to be the inner conflict 'As a human I need to depend on someone but what if I get close and they reject me?' I had better not get to close, or if I feel they are getting close i must do something to push them away' Constantly fighting their basic human need for mutual dependency. Constantly establishing their independence but always needing to have someone to depend on.
Dependency makes the PA feel needy. Remember our MLCer does not like needy, we must not plead or beg.
Our PA or MLC er will find a way of establishing contact with you because they want to be securely attached to someone but then use a PA behavior to drive you away.
IN my W's own words 'I want to find someone I feel totally secure with.' But we know the PA behavior to assert her independence will make her expectation of rejection a self-fulfilling prophecy.
