DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 2)

[rickb89]

keep the road home open (check)
detach & GAL (check)
provide quiet support (check)
see where I need to improve and do it (check)

Okay, I can honestly feel successful with the checklist. My W has the road home open and clear, has full support and love, and she's on the road looking around.

It was a hell of a journey to get here and I thank god that we made it to this point. Then why do I feel so strange, so empty, so outside my life looking in?

25 asked me what will I do if she never makes it back, or doesn't want to make it back. Its a lot to dwell on.

Can I live a M that's at a 50/50 point for ever? Is my realizing that I want passion and a full relationship selfish at this point? I dont have answers at this point. I think its so scary because of the realization of control, maybe. I can control whether or not I continue to live mostly alone like this. I cannot control where my W goes with this or what she figures out for herself. Because I know that I detach, and I am fulfilled with who I am and my life's activities. I know I'm responsible for my happiness.

[rickb89]

I guess I should remember that bay steps are what I should expect....patience!

[sayitaintso]

[quote=ces67]It's weird but although I want this to work, I have had to rely on myself so much that I'm finding myself preparing for a very different life than I imagined I would lead from here on. I'm thinking in terms of how I want to live if I'm going to be a single dad, how I will redefine my existance without her, what I want to do, where I want to live, etc.

I feel like for reasons only the universe knows I have been drawn into this massive spiritual battle. I will face it with honor for me, for her, for everyone else, and not back down; but I have this sense that I'm going to do this and then be on my own once its over. I heard stories about full reconciliations, I know my W loves me, I know this is really about her and not us and our M is caught up in it, but I'm afraid I've lost the feel or the memory of us being unconstrained together. Our time together is still good and that helps keeping us connected, but I find it hard to see the romance part back. Maybe this is just a natural thing to feel. I continue to act "as if" in the meantime, but I hate the acting part.[/color]

You are not alone Rick, I feel very similar to this ^^^. I am hoping this fearful feeling you described above is just a phase in this process. Like you I am not going to give up so only time will tell.

Best!!

[ces67]

25 asked me what will I do if she never makes it back, or doesn't want to make it back. Its a lot to dwell on.

Can I live a M that's at a 50/50 point for ever? Is my realizing that I want passion and a full relationship selfish at this point? I dont have answers at this point. I think its so scary because of the realization of control, maybe. I can control whether or not I continue to live mostly alone like this. I cannot control where my W goes with this or what she figures out for herself. Because I know that I detach, and I am fulfilled with who I am and my life's activities. I know I'm responsible for my happiness.

RB89 - It is a very tough question. You are living in a marriage as it was never intended to be. IMO, in that situation, there can never fully be fulfillment as long as it stays that way. That doesn't mean you can't have a fulfilling life. It just may be different from what you expected.

My W is similar in that she seems to have no interest in leaving, but there is no interest in working on our M either. She sleeps in a different room and organizes her life in a way that my involvement is limited.

I hope there are positive changes for you, your W and your M that can bee seen and last. And you're right, you are responsible for your happiness. I hope those words resonate in your heart as well as your head! Its a conscious effort and your doing very well with it!

[mr mr]

Hey Rick,
I can so relate to your checklist, I also feel great about my progress and my W also is on the road....however she is facing the other direction. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that she may not turn around until it is.to late. She told me once about 10 years ago that she could see our future, she would lose her appreciation of me and push till the point that when she realized what she was doing and came back I would say no.....I hope she isn't right.

[purgatory]

I can't imagine how challenging it is to recalibrate your concept of marriage. You do have the right to claim your own happiness, and to define what a fulfilling life would look like for *you*... perhaps it's different now than 10 years ago because of new experiences. Whatever conclusion you come to, it will not have been without challenges, heartache and LOTS of patience.

If only your W could know how much mental and physical energy you are putting into supporting her on this scary journey for her... she is blessed.

You are a living example of unconditional love.

[rickb89]

[quote=ces67]It's weird but although I want this to work, I have had to rely on myself so much that I'm finding myself preparing for a very different life than I imagined I would lead from here on. I'm thinking in terms of how I want to live if I'm going to be a single dad, how I will redefine my existance without her, what I want to do, where I want to live, etc.

I feel like for reasons only the universe knows I have been drawn into this massive spiritual battle. I will face it with honor for me, for her, for everyone else, and not back down; but I have this sense that I'm going to do this and then be on my own once its over. I heard stories about full reconciliations, I know my W loves me, I know this is really about her and not us and our M is caught up in it, but I'm afraid I've lost the feel or the memory of us being unconstrained together. Our time together is still good and that helps keeping us connected, but I find it hard to see the romance part back. Maybe this is just a natural thing to feel. I continue to act "as if" in the meantime, but I hate the acting part.[/color]

You are not alone Rick, I feel very similar to this ^^^. I am hoping this fearful feeling you described above is just a phase in this process. Like you I am not going to give up so only time will tell.

Best!!

Thanks SIAS. Maybe it is as you say, a phase I'm going through as a part of this big issue. I guess if I look back at how god awful it was when the bomb dropped vs. now then I can choose to see how unlikely it felt that we would ever get to this point. There are times when I feel like I can take on the world for her and us, then there are times when I feel so burnt on it. Right now feeling burnt out. Your message here really does help. Thanks. Best to you too!

[rickb89]

25 asked me what will I do if she never makes it back, or doesn't want to make it back. Its a lot to dwell on.

Can I live a M that's at a 50/50 point for ever? Is my realizing that I want passion and a full relationship selfish at this point? I dont have answers at this point. I think its so scary because of the realization of control, maybe. I can control whether or not I continue to live mostly alone like this. I cannot control where my W goes with this or what she figures out for herself. Because I know that I detach, and I am fulfilled with who I am and my life's activities. I know I'm responsible for my happiness.

RB89 - It is a very tough question. You are living in a marriage as it was never intended to be. IMO, in that situation, there can never fully be fulfillment as long as it stays that way. That doesn't mean you can't have a fulfilling life. It just may be different from what you expected.

My W is similar in that she seems to have no interest in leaving, but there is no interest in working on our M either. She sleeps in a different room and organizes her life in a way that my involvement is limited.

I hope there are positive changes for you, your W and your M that can bee seen and last. And you're right, you are responsible for your happiness. I hope those words resonate in your heart as well as your head! Its a conscious effort and your doing very well with it!

You're right CES it's a conscious effort to choose happiness. Right now I'm burnt out, really burnt out on this sitch, but also in many other areas of my responsibilities too. Given my W's state and as part of DB strategy I choose not to share how hard this is with her. There's also a lot I could not share with her before the bomb dropped that we can share now becaue we have gotten way better communicating. However, the deeper things like this sitch, it's emotional toll on me, and my reassessing my place in this world are not things I can share with her right now. She's too in her crisis that she mostly can't see past her own issues. Not a criticism of her, its just where she is right now.

[rickb89]

Hey Rick,
I can so relate to your checklist, I also feel great about my progress and my W also is on the road....however she is facing the other direction. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that she may not turn around until it is.to late. She told me once about 10 years ago that she could see our future, she would lose her appreciation of me and push till the point that when she realized what she was doing and came back I would say no.....I hope she isn't right.

Michael - with five kids I imagine the stress must be enormous. I've heard that WAW's often have had this brewing in them for years before the bombs away. If your W was telling you this prophecy ten years ago then this is probably the case.

Is there any hope of stopping the D train for you? Is she getting any professional help?

Best to you. Thanks for your comments!

[ces67]

I get what you're saying. You can't share everything at this point and its wise of you to recognize what types of conversations you all can manage.

Also, I can honestly say that I identify with the burnt out feelings! They certainly come in a long-term issue such as yours. What I've also noticed is that those feelings will pass as well and at a later point (sometimes days, sometimes hours for me) a new energy comes around and keeps me going. I hope you can rest up from the emotional fatique and get a second wind soon!