CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE!

[25yearsmlc]

do you really want this man as your mate for life, or do you just not want to "lose"?

Wow that is a really good question. I have been in this limbo mode for so long now, I guess I really do need to think this through.

do not underestimate the power of inertia. Heck, it's how half the couples got here in the first place.

It is also the reason so MANY elderly folks on their death beds, tell us NOT what they regret doing the most, but what they regret NOT doing...

Abbey-you are plain old stuck. Your pain and limbo is what you have become used to.

Your fear is more about KNOWING the truth than the truth itself, imo.

B/C once it's out there, a response is more or less expected...or you'd be admitting that you are accepting the unacceptable, which you are, and have been, for some time.

But "letting it out of the bag" officially somehow seems harder. It's a little wacky but I understand it. No offense meant by that, btw.


There are times when I long for how we used to be, light, airy, spontaneous and fun. And then when I think about all of the lying that has been going on, I think why?


OR do you ask, "was that even real?" I think the danger in allowing a facade/charade to go on, among other things, is that it undermines our perceptions of life in general.

We start questioning ALL our judgements and our world view.

Decision making becomes an ordeal.

When my BIL left my younger sister "J" out of the blue, she was so shocked that she became paralyzed emotionally for a solid 2-3 years. Endlessly debated who he was, the past and then, her every choice...I learned a lot about what NOT to do.

So when my older sister told me that I had begun to "sound like J"-first I wanted to hang up.

But then I realized "hey, she's right. I'm circling the drain with this situation going in circles, ever closer to drowning and I'm giving h ALL MY power. Time to get MY life back!..."

Don't let your h "Gaslight" you. (A reference to a film in which the h tries to convince his w she is insane by hiding things she put in one place, and pretending things are one way when they are not. He gets her ALMOST to break...)

Why do I even care? Then I get angry, sad, jealous, but again...why? Maybe you are right and I just don't want to lose.

That is worth considering. Think hard about it. Pray that God gives you the humility to admit it, if it is true.

And So is the concept of simply not wanting upheaval in your life, AND OR doing the ostrich thing w/your head in the sand. You would not be the first.
But if it is that, know that only YOU can change these dynamics. HE WON'T.


There is so much that I really admire and love about my H, but also have found through the years that he can be secretive and sneaky which is not so admirable or attractive.

He CAN be? Honey, he IS secretive and sneaky. Has been for so long...he's just good at it. You know, when my h was in his mlc, one phrase he'd say that drove me nuts (and which I used in my stand up comedy routine)

was how he would not tell me something upsetting (and wrong of him)

b/c he "did not want to hurt me"...like he was a hero for lying!! WTH??

When did it become NOBLE to lie? Oh wait I know, it's noble when THEY do it.


He is always respectful and kind to my face.

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sure makes it easier on YOU...oh wait...and it's easier on HIM! HE gets the best of both worlds. You get squat.

Most men/women don't or can't cheat for long term. The OPs want more or the spouse finds out or they fall in love and leave the spouse....

but there are charming users who CAN CHEAT Long term. They want it all. They do what OJ did. Cheat, lie, and "Deny, deny, deny"...and that is a quote.

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We live well together


what does that mean? You make little demands of him as a lover? I get that You don't insist on fidelity, but do you even get some of his--"h passion"?

but there is no passion. None. And I'm almost to the point where I am done trying.

Thank you for checking in with me. I really appreciate it.

You are welcome. Sorry you are here, but am glad you don't want to be.

You know YOU have to be the catalyst for change or this will go on until either the OW forces him to leave you, or he finds another, or it does not end. 3 years at it is a pattern. Not a "MLC" or even a regular WAH. Just a cheater.

Might be making plans for an exit or biding his time, but I don't recall the kids ages or finances...
You want your life to change? You want it to be better? Change must come from your end. It's just got to be you. Do you get that?

So, how can we support you?