Grace, Love, Compassion, & Faith - It ain't easy!

[Valeska19]

I always feel like I should always start my journals with a "warning" sentence..

I am still on the emotional rollercoaster of December. It's actually been a huge part of why I lurk more than post. I'm not sure if it is wise to support people when I seem to change my mind every post.

So my warning for this post is this. It's long.. and will have alot of God in it. You can continue reading if you are "ok" with these things.

-----------
Majority of the month of January has been spent opening my eyes, ears, and heart to what God wants for me. Much time has been spent in prayer, in tears, fits of anger. Moments of clarity followed by utter confusion.

Rinse and repeat.

I feel that God has made it clear to me that my wife has not changed towards me. Her need to control me and our sitch has caused many feelings. One that clearly sticks out is anger.

I am angry at w because I truly thought some of the conversations we had in November was a spark of change in her. But I was reminded again though that true change happens when we can do it in the face of fear, when things are most difficult.

My wife is not there yet. I think she meant what she said in the moment, but sustaining change has never been her strong point.

I was mad at God for teasing me.. for not protecting me.

I was mad at myself for not guarding my heart better. I think the last two just made me realize that God will protect me, but I need to not put myself in harm's way. Faith isn't walking onto a busy highway blind-folded and expecting to live.. that is just stupidity.

So yes.. I am ANGRY that my wife is still controlling me.

But sometimes anger is needed to move forward.. and I think it gave me enough momentum to realize that I do not want to be in a r with a woman who controls me.. even if it is my w... a woman who I deeply love.

It has helped me realize how much my self worth has grown since this all happened.

But it's easy to stay there... in the anger.. but if I stay there I can't grow. If I stay there - I can't move forward with my best foot.

I honestly don't know if I can be angry and loving at the same time. I know God talks about a just anger.. but I don't know if that's what this is.

If I can't.. I'd rather be loving vs. angry. I'm happier there.
But what does that look like for me?

It has come to my attention that even though I was told through my cobra company that payment would start from the time I selected it, I actually would have had to pay since she took me off.. aka December 1st.

I gotta be honest - it makes the argument for her to pay December uncomfortable for me. Knowing that I would have had to pay it anyway when I went on Cobra.

Now it's hard to say what decision I would have made had I known this info before making the decision to go Cobra. Maybe I would have looked into different options, maybe I would have taken my chances.

It is impossible to know...what I would have done.. but it is also impossible to move forward ignoring what I have learned.

I know my wife also doesn't feel she should pay for it. I still don't know if I agree or disagree with that statement. It's hard for me to feel like I am entitled to anything in regards to her. Her 401k, or spouse support, or the health insurance.

She does a damn good job of convincing me that I don't.. Honestly, I do a damn good job of it too.

So I have a call out to a L to just see what the laws are in California. If she is legally obligated to carry/pay for me.. than it doesn't matter what she feels or I feel. The law is there to protect.. I have to remember that.

I will continue to pray about it also. It could go really any way.

1) Letting her pay for December - doesn't feel completely loving for me.. especially with this new info. But then again, nothing that I do that upsets/hurts her feels loving to me.

2) Paying for it myself - well it would bring me to my knees in alot of ways. It's alot of money that although I have in my savings, am hesitant to spend. The added expense makes me nervous and adding that on top of my sh!tty computer, a root canal/crown, and a rusty car has me a little scared.

Actually I'm petrified.

But maybe I need to just have faith in God that he'll take care of me. I remember praying every month that I would make my bills.. and I did.

It's funny that when sh!t hits the fan, our inclination is to run away from God and try to take things back under our control.. when we should be running towards him and placing more faith in him.

I guess it's just human nature.

Regardless.. I just want to make a loving decision. I want to make a decision that I won't look back and regret. I want to make one that I can live with.

I've gone ahead and composed an email that I am thinking about sending to wife. I am sure that it will seem like pursuit, but in some ways.. I don't care. I'm not worried about saving our marriage anymore. I really just want to save myself and continue to love my w.

I'm not sure how no communication is good communication.

I'm not sure that me thinking that my not retaliating towards her in the past 9 months should be enough for her when she clearly fears being hurt... is the right mindset to have.

I don't know if setting boundaries without at least some explanation is wise and What would a loving reminder hurt vs ignoring and enforcing when she starts to cross them?

Maybe it's time to try something different?

It's an email in response to her email sent Friday in which she gave me the new insurance amount, asked me how I wanted to handle December's fee, and reminded me AGAIN that she wanted to set a date and sign the dissolution papers.


Here it my response:

---------------
W,

I got your email. Thank you for the info.

In some ways... I don't know why I am writing you this email. With everything almost settled and us only moments away from being out of each other's lives, it seems silly to want to change a dynamic that in the next month will no longer exist.....

.... but the truth is that I still love you and I have learned to love myself... and in my eyes, we are both worth the effort to create change. I am tired of the assumptions. I am tired of assuming things of you and being hurt by the assumptions you make of me. I don't care if after next month we never talk again, I will not live one more minute in our status quo. I guess I'm silly then....

....So this is me talking to you.

I am ready to sign the divorce papers, including Chicago. I know that this is what must be done, and I am ok with it. However I am grieving, and I am struggling to have faith in God when it comes to my future. We are working through it, but it's a slow process.

I'm praying about the health insurance in regards to the amount. I was told that I wouldn't have to start paying my insurance until I officially elected Cobra which was January 14th. Obviously we were both given a lack of or wrong information. It is hard to say how our decisions might have changed given the correct info. Unfortunately, I don't think we can ever know.

I do know that it has brought up alot of emotions for me. Emotions that I need to feel and then deal with before I can move forward with a decision or even a starting discussion point. I cannot stop myself from having them, but I can stop myself from acting on them.

I am sorry if my "processing" has caused impatience or fear for you. It is not my intention to cause delays or to cause turmoil in your heart. I just want to make decisions that I will be able to live with. I deserve that.

And although I consider myself to be a loving person, it would be silly of me to sit here and deny that I have negative feelings towards you. I meant what I said that day in the coffee shop about forgiving you, but I have learned that forgiveness is not something that just comes naturally. It is something that we need to work at. It too is a process.

So until I can say that I have completely forgiven you, I will take the extra time to make sure that my negative feelings don't become negative actions. Because you deserve that.

However both of those things I cannot do alone in this moment in my life. It is something that has brought me to my knees and has made me cry out for God's help. He has always answered, but the timeline always varies as it is a mixture of when he speaks vs. when I am open to listen.

Sometimes his answers go against the way I have always acted towards you or myself. Other times.. his answers go against all the feelings I am having. It's probably why it takes so long.

But this is the commitment that I have made to myself, to you, and to him and I will not break it.. no matter how much you or I may want me to at times.

That is where I am at. This is who I am.

But I promise..I will reach out to you when I have some answers.

-Val

----------

Told ya it was a long one. Thoughts are welcomed of course.