Wow, since Mal dug this thread up from somewhere in cyber space I figured I'd take the time to do a little update about MY sitch.
H has been home for 5 months and although there have been no negative instances (acts) on his part, I find myself in a whole new phase of this process. One that has been as emotionally taxing on me at times as the one right after the bomb.
This phase has me scratching and clawing my way through the ULTIMATE question that WE'LL all have to face sooner or later and that is: IS THIS what I REALLY WANT?
Although on my Hs part, he's trying in his own way to meet all the challenges and jump over all the hurdles that I throw out there in front of him, I'm now trying to sort through the rubble of the past two years to see what's really there worth saving FOR ME.
As I have come through the guantlet, I've discovered a great deal of innner strength, my future is becoming less fuzzy and I'm beginning to see a clearer and healthier path for myself.
If someone had asked me in the summer of 2002 if I'd ever have any semblence of a life again...I would have said NO. But today, having gone through all the hell and heartache of having been betrayed....I DO see the opportunity for a healthy, happy life...just ahead.
The dynamics of my sitch have changed. I stopped being afraid of losing my H and my M and realized that what I was most afraid of, was LOSING ME and who I was because of all of this.
I have regained my footing and I have taken control of this sitch. It is NOT me who stands to lose if this M falls apart, it is my H. I have always been and will continue to be an honorable person. HE will have to prove to me that HE is capable of doing the same, and he knows it.
There are no more eggshells on the floor, the elephant (the A) in the living room is not hiding under the rug so that my H doesn't have to face it.
I say and do what ever I need to live through the moment, the trigger, the pain whatever and I do it with the acceptance that if my H can't deal with it, then HE needs to go.
I decided months ago that I will not cower another day in fear of his leaving because I came to realize that NO ONE and I mean absolutely NO ONE will ever have the right to hold that much power in my life that they can steal away all my happiness and sense of self EVER AGAIN.
I am an intellegent, accomplished woman. I have been as good a wife as my H could have ever hoped for and because of his inability to be honest with himself and with me, he took the chance of destroying everything we had.
My H knows that I am moving forward. He knows that if he doesn't do the work to catch up he will be left in the dust of my re-emergence, the choice is his to make, because either way, I WILL SURVIVE, MY personal future is very, very bright with OR without him.
T2
