Well well well. You know, I certainly looked back over my 26 years with my ex and wondered, were there more affairs that I didn't know about? I'll never know now - but def some suspicions.
In the end, I think you do have to ask yourself - what would it take, if he comes back to the relationship, for you to feel entirely secure?
In my case - when my ex finally left - I realized that there really wasn't ANYTHING he could do at that point, that would ever make me feel safe with him again. After two affairs, two reconciliations, and him leaving without really trying at the end - I realized I would always be looking over my shoulder if we reconciled again. And I didn't want that.
That friends thing.... as I read I also remember back when my H was still writhing with indecision. He was fully into his EA, feeling "in love", OW was obviously feeling the same.
It was this time we had a lot of talk about separation and D. I told him that no way was I going to be friends with him, and it was really more for my own protection, as I did not want to be hurt everytime is saw him.
I also said that it was all or none - we either had a D, with all the consequences, and he knew I would be fighting...
I knew I was risking a lot, but I felt that I could not be patient and wait. H was asking me what if he decided he couldn't live without me... and thats when I knew that he wasn't really leaving.
Sometimes, it takes a boundary to force a decision.
Although it can only come when the time is right. For a time, I thought I did it too early.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I'm so glad I found your new post! I have been waiting to hear an update!
I loved your response to your H regarding his comment about wondering about OW. He would only know you were alive because you were getting his money . Cheeky.
My H wanted him to promise him we would be ok and friends when all was sad and done. I told him I couldn't promise that because I couldn't realistically say that when there has been so much hurt. What are they thinking??
I think you are definitely the type of women only a fool would leave.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Hey stranger. You've been in my thoughts and prayers- I read up a bit on some sitch's but haven't contributed much lately ( stealth mode:-) You have an amazing amount of patience! Some of the conversations that you have with your H.... I get frustrated for you- it must be like teaching a dog algebra .... He just doesnt understand .Your responses have been perfect. You really have grown & learned so much. Take care P
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is good to hear from my internet friends. I had a bit of a backslide this morning, but mostly it was stuff that needed clarified from his many hours of talking the other day.
From what my H says he feels like he is stuck with me, as OW is done with him. When he says that sort of thing it really hurts me. He was telling me we never had sex much and that she excited him a lot and that he was excited by her. More than he had been with me.
I know they rewrite history, but that was just hurtful and a big fat lie. It happens to be that I always grab a washcloth and clean up after sex. And I'm the one who does the laundry. I was in the habit of counting washcloths and I know for a FACT that we made love 2-3 times a week for many years.
I called him on it. I know his feeling are his feelings. But to lie and act like I wasn't meeting his needs and that we NEVER had sex is unbelievable. We never have sex now, but that is his decision and his doing.
The amount of weight I have lost is amazing. But my H never stopped having sex with me when I was heavy. I brought this up. He then squacked out: "I have my needs and wants!" And I told him that so do I. I'm starting to feel he is threatned by my looking so much better.
He keeps telling me how sad he is. And folks on here tell me he is going to be grieving. I don't think he will really be grieving 'til she leaves the island. And the current story is that her lawyer told her she can't leave the island until her court date. And that her H is withholding all money. And she is about to be homeless and she "broke up" with my H because he hasn't ran out and rented a place for them.
So my H said to me that OW thinks he really wants to stay with me because he hasn't done anything for her. And I kind of feel that way. But he is also making me feel ugly and unnatractive.
His other complaints are kind of funny too. He is grumbling because I have put so many miles on my new car. We bought it in May. I have almost 12K miles on it.
I shared it with my one son for 3 months. Loaned it to a relative for a week and she put a thousand miles on it! And I workout 7 times a week, which is a 16 mile round trip. Anyway, just venting. I am trying to not let his MLC crazy make me crazy.
When will I know we are ready for Retrouvaille? ;-)
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Your sitch reminds me of mine. My H's favorite word was "stuck", and he always used to say that he felt so stuck because of the fact that he could not leave, he cared for our daughter, he knew that leaving the M was wrong, his religious beliefes did not jive with what he really wanted, plus OW also did not want him. And yet he felt that he was facing a life of misery with me because he did not love me anymore, and because of the rejection he had from OW.
I brought up retrouvaille with him when he said that he knew he was staying but was still feeling stuck. I said that since he was staying anyways, we had to find a way to be able to communicate better and somehow,maybe find out if we could at least improve our relationship, especially since we had our 12 year old to think about. I did not want her to grow up in a miserable family.
He agreed on those grounds. I did not pressure him again after I brought it up, and since it was still 2 months to go, somehow, our R slowly got a little better over that couple of months, with me able to keep my lips zipped more, knowing that an opportunity to communicate better would be coming up.
Just like your H, mine was also still believing in his rewritten history, but I could sense that there were cracks that were showing slowly in his story. I had grown so much stronger by then, having been almost 1.5 years in the sitch by then.
We went to Retrouvaille in November. I have to tell you that it was an eye-opener.
It is saving our M. Of course, there are no guarantees, and things could still change, but as of now we are pretty much into piecing.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Oh yes, the forever more " we have no sex life" song and dance.
Been there and done that. Yes that is his choice and his doing. You have every right to feel hurt, I mean it's only natural. For him to come right out and tell you he's more excited by her than he was with you is CRUEL and MEAN. The re writing of history is cruel and mean too. Mine did that as well.
We had sex 2 -3 times a week normally. Our sex life was always good. Of course life got real and things did slow down. Then he started backing off and then totally rejecting me. We went a year and a half with no sex. Started up again. Then 4 months. Started again. Then he left. Then after he left..."sex-ting"! Reminiscing about our fun " adventures". Inviting me over to his place for one last " hoorah". We had one last hoorah..me thinking we were connecting. Nope...he was drunk, horny, and very lonely and he was sorry but that didn't change things between us. One month later he's nailing OW.
Push- pull. Sounds like that's what your H is doing. Reading 4myfamily's posts about PA behavior is really helping me understand this circle of insanity with stbx.
I have no idea when a couple feels theire ready for REtrouville. I know it's best to have both people be willing to go.
With-holding of sex is a classic Passive Aggressive behavior.
“Abstinence is a common complaint from women involved with passive aggressive men. If he’s in a financial pinch, he’ll take you out for the evening but remind you that the evening’s expenses are a huge burden. He’ll then make up pay by refusing to have sex. But if you offer to go Dutch before he suggests it, he’ll take it as an emasculating gesture. And still he’ll make you pay by withholding sex. His sexual refusal, however, will usually be hidden under the guise of a transparent excuse: he’s sleepy, sick, preoccupied with work.”
The Passive Aggressive 'often uses outright sexual refusal as his/her main weapon in their battle against you'. 'Abstinence comes easily to someone for whom sex is not about giving and intimacy but about proving something to his/her-self'. 'Its a replay of the frustration and deprivation of childhood', if he/she upsets you and makes you question your attractiveness your own sexuality your own self worth he/she has carried out the PAs perfect crime of omission. He literally has done nothing
Because the PA does not make an emotional attachment I think they still go for a visual attraction, so if you put on weight etc they will use that ad ab excuse. Could come across as abit shallow and narcissistic.
They will project back onto you: when I finally called my W on this she projected back onto me 'I am trying to work out when YOU started having a problem with sex."
Telling you how great sex was with the other person is just designed to punish you further ignore it, it is just total BS.
The with holding of sex was very upsetting to me. Especially after we resumed and he turned right around and said " How did you feel after we had sex the other night?" I told him I enjoyed it and I felt like we were finally getting close again.
His response: " WEll to me it was just sex."
I then said " OK YOU DO NEED TO LEAVE.!"
Thank you so much for enlightening again dear friend. I appreciate insight on these personal stiches. I've read alot on PA behavior, but what I've come across is basic. It's a relief to talk to someone that's lived the same insanity for 20 years as well.
It really is abuse....probably at it's worse. Sometimes I think a slap in the face would've hurt less than years of these mind games.
I could not agree more some slaps you or punches you you know, they are angry, what just happened, and its over quickly.
Passive Aggressive abuse is, very, very nasty mental abuse. The with-holding of intimacy in a marriage sometimes feels like sexual abuse (I am in no comparing it to actual physical sexual abuse). And it seems to continuous and difficult to escape from.
It took me over 20 years to identify what was happening to me.
There are no support groups for this that I know of for the abused, firstly may not recognize they are being abused and it is hard to prove. It can be soul-destroying.
. Cheeky.