waiting for the tides to change

[BFloat]

25 – you did not overwhelm me!! I appreciated every word you wrote! I actually read your post about 3 times over the weekend (on my iphone!) just haven’t had a minute to sit down on the computer until now. There were points in your post that made me teary. It was inspirational and gave me a push knowing that people are taking the time to share my story while showing love and support.

yes I had those days where if I could, I would just stay in bed and cry the day away. But I think I reached a turning point last week. I had reached such a low and when I tried to reach out to my sister, she wanted to call H and have him come to help me out. That was a big wake up call because although a small part of me wanted H to see the pain I was in, I definitely did not want him to see that I felt defeated.

having my mom stay with me a couple of nights helped me to feel a little normal because I didn’t feel so alone. at the same time, I’ve been really working on detaching. i remind myself that it is not up to me to determine the outcome of this marriage. I leave it in God’s hands. I also remind myself that I can not change H, only myself. I make my choices and H is free to make his. That doesn’t mean I don’t have hope.. just trying to learn to have zero expectations. Because I need to move on with my life for myself.. and for my 2 children.

Since that time, I have worked hard at not initiating contact w/ H. I have answered H’s emails but have kept it very short and have not engaged in long conversations. It’s not because I don’t care.. I do care.. very much so.. I still have moments where I cry because it hurts so much.. but I continue on. Because I don’t have a choice.. and because I have to..

Things that have been different.. H has said he was really sorry.. he is realizing how hard it was for me all those weekends where I left the children (on his weekends with them). He has also txted to say he missed them immensely. When he is away during the week.. he is working and so H works and night and sleeps during the day. Up to this point.. on his days off.. he comes home and is with the kids. This is the first weekend where he is off, and not w/ the kids. free as a bird.

As for the kids and I, we had a great weekend! The best I’ve had in a very long long time. I truly felt happy and saw glimpse of my old self. Friday started w/ family movie night at S’s school. Sat the kids went out w/ H for a couple of hours during the day. That was hard to see him. I cried.. but things picked up for sat night. We went over to my gf’s house to have a family sleepover. My kids were so excited!! The had a great time playing w/ her kids. after the kids were in bed, we had tea and chatted. I didn’t get much sleep that night because I kept waking up to make sure the kids were covered and hadn’t fallen off the bed.. also.. those 2 little monkeys are all over the place and I ended up in one little corner!! But it was so nice to be there and have S reach to just touch my arm when he was falling asleep..

Sun morning.. all the kids were so excited because there were playmates first thing in the morning!! A couple of other gfs came over and we had dim sum.. lots of laughs.. and then headed out for the Chinese new year parade. It was pouring rain!!! But the kids enjoyed it. Didn’t expect to be at her place all day but.. we ended up there all afternoon.. and then all went out to dinner together.. and then finally home for warm bath and bed. And then I went to work. Definitely busy!

I am trying to create happy memories for my babies and I to replace all the pain and hurt we feel now. I’m saddened that H is missing out but it is a choice he’s made. Will he one day wake up and step up? I see signs of him missing them and starting to feel the consequences of not being here.. but is it enough for him to make the necessary changes? Only time will tell.

As for me, I will continue on my path. Stumbling along.. but I’ll get there.. I love my children. I value my relationships w/ family and friends. Today.. that is enough to keep me going.