My son is 11. I have told him the bad news and W is still unaware that he knows. I didn't want him to be blind sided like I was. I think he realizes I did everything I could possibly do to keep our family together. I hope one day later in life he respects everything i've doone to keep us all together. He doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve and though I know he his hurt he doesn't show it. I just hope he is ok.
Our advice e.g., LRT, is based on GENERAL assumptions. But since I have no idea what SHE SAID the problems were, it's hard to know what to tell you.
What are the traits YOU are working on and what did SHE SAY to you about them?
Also, I would NOT have told your son.
The more you tell people the more it cements her decision. (And you may have made it all easier for her now, in the short run).
Do not highlight or mention your changes anymore. That reeks of them being only for her, which means they are temporary tactics, not true changes within. The more you challenge her choices, the more you force her to defend them. Then they firm up. What you resist, persists.
You want to keep the road home, paved & smooth.
It was not your job to tell your son now, let alone without her. SHE will believe you did it to get an ally out of him or to guilt her or that you had an agenda that was self serving and beneficial to you.
And didn't you?
My mc, whom I saw without h, since h had left/sep, told me NOT to tell the kids until I was 100% certain a div was happening. And even then not to tell them too long in advance b/c it prolongs it, but not so short before that it stuns. When my d's asked if we were going to get a divorce I said "I sure hope not b/c I've loved your dad a long time" or "b/c he's the love of my life"... Stress what will remain the same and unchanged for them. Such as if they'll stay in the same school and have the same friends, that is hugely comforting to them. Reassure him of YOUR constance without ever bashing your w. I told my d's we would not move while d1 was in high school--and met that goal.
Also told youngest that "your happiness is the most important thing to me in the world. I will do what I think makes YOU the happiest"....and for HER that was super comforting. And it was true and it wasn't me being a martyr b/c if I have done right by my kids, it will make ME happy.
Do not try to "teach your w a lesson" b/c it's not your job to do that.
As my DB coach, 'Life does that" and same goes for
"showing them the consequences of their choices". Again, life does that, not a spouse.
Does this make sense to you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
