Not sure of next step

[Accuray]

You're stepping off the cliff there Shaky. If my W had not touched me at all in 6 months I know I would be crazy too, are you sure you've exhausted every avenue except for a lawyer?

If she asked you to take her to Italy 4 days ago, she's obviously thinking longer term. Did you consider actually taking her? Why not?

Here's what I recommend before going the lawyer route:

1) Work with a telephone coach on this site: It costs about the same as a therapy session. If you're ready to spend $10K minimum on a divorce, spending a few hundred bucks on coaching is a drop in the bucket, particularly if you can avoid the $10K plus support going forward. They are much better than IC's because they are solution based and deal with troubled relationships all day long. I was extremely skeptical before I did it, I only bought one call. After that I bought 3 more, then 2 more individual, so I should have just bought the 7. Best money I ever spent, they know their stuff -- try it.

2) Marriage Counseling: I know you tried one IC and it didn't really work for you. I tried several before I found a good one. It's very important that you find one who is solution based and who is trained in couples therapy. Even if you just see them by yourself, don't go to a generalist. See an MC by yourself. If you want to go with W, go see them by yourself first, paint the whole scene from your perspective, and explain what you think W's perspective is. See what the therapist has to say, see if they "get" W. Before you bring W, explain what you want from the joint session, and understand what the MC's approach is going to be.

My W was very resistant to MC and still is. That said, you and she will both say things in front of the MC that you will not say to each other. Also, MC will not let you off the hook as easily and are skilled in getting you both to spill it.

I definitely wouldn't go see a lawyer until you have found a good MC first. They really can help, but they *must* be solution-based. I tried working with ones that aren't, and it doesn't help. They focus on problems and how you feel about them, and how your childhood created those problems and that doesn't get you anywhere. You need to know what to do *now* to address the issues, and how to deal with them going forward. Knowing where they came from really doesn't help.

Put a date in your calendar for 8 weeks from now to visit the lawyer so you have a plan, but take a detour to a coach or MC first. I would actually recommend a coach AND an MC. You've really got nothing to lose and a huge messy divorce to save yourself from.

Accuray