Living with a WAW while going through a D part IV

[cat04]

Yes I still have those instincts but we are working them out in IC. It has changed in the fact that I am aware of how wrong it was. And yes I am not allowing the behavior at this point. My understanding is that by been aware of them that they will in time be substituted with new and acceptable behavior. If that makes sense.

Yes it makes sense.

I am just not sure how much I buy into the idea that simply being aware of something is enough.

My X has a angry streak. He is aware of it. Still, there has been rare occasion where that anger has gotten out of control. Because he has not dealt with the underlying issues for that anger. Until he does, there will continue to be outbursts in his life.

I have changed the behavior externally. Meaning I am not criticizing or nagging at home or at work. But it is still in there. It is something that needs more work.

Changing externally is the first step.

Definately not the last.

I would ask the genie these instead:

1- to stop getting angry when I feel disrespected.
2- to stop getting angry when I feel rejected
3- that new and acceptable behaviors become a true part of myself and who I am.

So since we know that there is no genie, I will ask you this.

1. What sorts of things make you feel disrespected?
2. What sorts of things make you feel rejected?
3. Why do you react with anger when these things happen?

Anger is a masking emotion. For other emotions that are harder to deal with.

When I feel rejected, I feel hurt. Sad. Lonely. Unwanted. Unworthy.

It is easier to wrap all of that up into an angry reaction, be mean and snippy with people than to examine what is really going on. And the anger passes quicker than the pain.

However, the better solution, because I do not like myself when I react with anger, is to understand what it is that is causing me to feel the rejection. If there is some coorelation between the present and the past. And to learn what I need to then give to myself in order for me to feel better.

When I first got into my current R, I would feel rejection when BF had his children or other people around and was giving them the attention that I wanted.

Why did this hurt me so deeply? Because within my M, my X gave attention to other people first. He was much more interested in his friends, his family, his OW, than he was with me. His W. I was always a side thought for him. Similar to the way I was treated by my own parents. The last, least important person.

While this made me a very strong and independent person in many ways, it also left me craving attention, feeling rejection at even the smallest slight, and very angry.

After I found DB, learned unconditional love, forgivness, etc... I thought that I had conquered that. Because I wasn't angry anymore. I was focused on myself, my life, and making me happy.

X was doing his thing and I was really ok with that and whatever outcome our M had (which is one of D, although I would have faced the rejection thing if we had reconciled as well, because rejection is generally something that requires more than one person.)

Until I got into my new R. When I found myself feeling similar feelings, I had to dig deeper, as we say here. To understand the root and figure out how to kill it.

I had bought into those silent messages of rejection. I felt unworthy to myself. I felt unimportant to myself.

I had to learn to undo those internal messages.

I still crave attention within the context of a relationship. I also understand that just because I might not receive it at all times, I am not necessarily being rejected. I have learned what is going on inside of me that might put me in the disposition to feel that way. When I'm tired. When I'm PMSing. When we haven't had enough one on one time. I have learned how to articulate what I DO need, and if I don't receive it (because we can't always get what we want) I have also learned what I can give to myself (GAL type stuff) so that it really isn't that bad.

See how this works?

Brutal honesty. With the most important person first and foremost. Myself.

Simple, not easy, but simple.