Confused... Need a little Guidance

[DBinSF]

Thanks for this. Yes, our relationship was very codependent. I am in recovery for relationship addiction stuff (Al-Anon, not AA), but she is still an unrecovered codependent (that's my analysis of her -- not her own). She has major attachment/abandonment issues. She actually sees complete enmeshment as her "definition" of what showing up in a relationship is. I was so hooked on getting her back there for a while, that my sponsor and I defined my "sobriety date" as the last time I sent her an unsolicited message.

At this point, I may just ignore her and go dark again. Any message I send her, setting a boundary or not, will only continue the back and forth. The good news is that in the time we've been apart, I have completely gotten my life together. I have never attracted so many good, smart, SANE people to my life. I look good and give off great energy, and I'm getting compliments for it. If I do run into her somewhere, she will barely recognize me, I look and feel that good.

I'm getting to the point of realizing that I do want aspects of our relationship back, but it was not all my fault, no matter what her internal dialogue and sense of victimhood tells her. She hasn't done the work on herself yet to be a whole person outside a relationship, and I just don't think I can take all her blame and guilt anymore until she actually begins to understand we are each responsible for OUR OWN happiness.

Anyway, any other feedback or advice from the community will much appreciated. It's a hard time, as you all know. I have great respect and compassion for those folks whose sitch is much more complicated than my own.

Regards,
DBing in SF