Honestly I don't know anymore. I know I love her, but I don't want to hurt anymore.
I like to listen to her, but I don't like the feeling of being used.
As I told my IC, I am done apologizing. I know my mistakes and am done reliving them. I know the solutions and will only focus on them.
My IC asked me (in front of my wife) what I want. I told him apparently it doesn't matter anymore. Then said I want to continue to improve myself with or without her.
I think you should take the time to really think about some of those questions....
You healing from all of this is so essential right now.
And I know that you both need to heal, but I will tell you this...
YOU are the one here, so I am gonna lay that responsibility on you.
CO,
The things that she said that hurt you. Those are the things that ARE her feelings, yet because there is truth to it ( I.E.- the way her truth affects you) , you are acknowledging that she is probably correct on those things.
But you know what ???
That can be a good thing...
It gives you a road map to change that in yourself. We may not always be that self-enlightened. We get to a point when we think we have finally become the person that we think we want to be, and when we get called out on our behavior, and we live that hurt. What starts as anger, once we can process that, and do those things because those are the things we don't like in ourselves.....man, what a gift we give ourselves.
And not to sound nasty here....
But F her for now...
You can do those things because YOU expect more from yourself.
You expect different responses because you are enlightened.
What I saw in your response ?
I see a guy, struggling too hard to control the outcome of this.
I see you struggling to give the appearance of being different, instead of taking the time to do the work and actually BE different.
Your response to her ???
Well, if I can't get what I want, then I'm going to take my toys from the sandbox, and go home. This (to her) is still about you trying to get your way.
She said that she didn't trust your changes, and you went forward and proved her correct.
YOU have admitted that that anger has not served you well in the past...
Even if it was in the moment. Not an excuse for not doing better.
All of the "buts" in your statements, are excuses, for not doing better.
All of this pain that you feel inside, how is it justified in the end if you choose to not learn from it ?
So let me ask you one question....
IF...
You would have walked into that counseling session, and she said she wanted to work on things....
What steps have you actively taken, the ensure that you patterns of behavior are different for the future ???
Do you think that YOU are ready for that to happen ???
The hard questions are the best ones to answer CO...
Einstein would have been a regular guy if the only question he was ever asked, was the sum of 2+2....
