let her take the iniative. If she doesn't, or seems to be waiting for you or if the mc starts up with you...
you can keep in mind that you want (in no particular order)
1) her to be heard so you KNOW exactly what she's saying she wants/needs--which means full eye contact when she speaks OR when you speak to her; and no interrupting and no "planning your next comment WHILE she's still talking"...which a lot of us do...
2) you have changed for real (maybe even thank her for being the catalyst b/c unfortunately that is what it took) and you are a better, happier man for it;
and
3) marriage to you now & "From this day forward" WOULD BE BETTER and Different...
but you understand that it would take time for her to believe that... and then express zero expectations...
Food for thought. Others should weigh in b/c that's just my first reaction and hey, it's your life.
Good interaction with your parents, sounds like. H's underestimate the value of standing up FOR their w's with their families.
I'm meeting my son's "Special" woman next week. Am thinking they'll marry, which will make ME a mother in law.
Already know the young woman is striking looking, smart and funny. Also atheist and very different politically...
I bet we won't be bored!
But here's my real point.
IF this young woman looks at my son the way a woman in love does,
if she "gets" my son, and appreciates him for who he is NOW and who he can become, then
I'm a happy mama.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree with CO1978 - slow down, take deep breaths and be patient. What's the rush anyways?
I also agree on letting your W lead the agenda. She probably has A LOT to say. Listening, eye contact, validating will be huge. If something is not clear, ASK (but don't interrupt).
Some people also recommend repeating back an important point to confirm that you understand her point and are on the same page. There is a name for this, but I can't remember it now. (The tricky part is that sometimes people get a caught up in the semantics when doing this rather than the issue...I know both my H and I would be guilty of this).
I also suggest not trying to defend yourself - it's good that you would already be expecting maybe some anger from her and that way you can protect your heart...
GOOD LUCK!!!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
CO - I got caught up on your situation this weekend. Don't get too worked up just yet. That is exactly where my W was when I joined the boards. Granted - I am by NO MEANS (let me say that again - NO MEANS) out of the woods at all - but there has been minor progress relative to where we started from. I guess I say that to say keep dbing....keep busy....and keep posting.
As for me, I am really having difficulty reading W. Granted, I am sure that I probably shouldn't be attempting to - but I am pretty much convinced that at this stage she is leading this dance. I guess I unrealistically expect her to text more often - just to say hello. I find myself getting excited when I hear my text alert on my phone go off - and then bummed when I see it isn't her. Probably not a very healthy response.
I guess I need to go back to the DB basics and remember that patience is key. And lots of it. *SIGH* - that is hard because I always think the more time that passes the further away she gets from.....who knows....maybe it's the other way around.
At the end of the day I guess I just miss her terribly and hope that we can reconnect. Sadly, I am terrified to have hope.
To me, this is probably the biggest issue for every LBS or WAS who ever even consider the possibility of R... Some get over their fear and jump in, others just cannot do it.
Your feelings are perfectly normal and expected.
Breathe, like you said - let her lead this dance.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
anyone have any suggestions on what reasonable goals would be for that one? I am nervous - and to some degree expect W to continue to let the anger out.
My goal would be to be present, to be quiet, to listen and not be defensive. These are all things I've had to really work on. And as 25 says, not be thinking about what you're going to say next. Silences in conversations were scary, I always thought I had to have the right answer immediately. Now I'm more comfortable with stopping and thinking before I talk, most of the time.
Do you know how your body reacts when you start to get angry or defensive or fearful? Do you hold your breath, get a tight feeling in your chest, tension in your shoulders or pain in your gut? If you can pinpoint these and remember to breathe and relax when that happens it can really help head off negative reactions.
Good luck!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
First off - thanks to everyone for the postive thoughts. The majority of you seem to be more optimistic than I am right now - and, honestly, I appreciate that. Maybe you see and feel things I don't because I am waaaaaay too close to the situation to make a fair, objective call. I hope you are all right and that I am on the "road to recovery". I am looking for signs like more frequent contact from W, but not quote seeing them yet. I remember in DR there was a blurb about not noticing the little signs because you are in search of the big ones (or something along those lines). Maybe that is what I am doing.
As for the MC on Wednesday, I think all of things that have been suggested I was able to do during the last one.....maybe with the exception of eye contact. Probably spent more time looking at the MC and talking than I did looking at my W. When my W spoke, I looked at her - but when I spoke my glance was mostly on the MC and would drift to her from time to time. I made certain that I STFU and did not interrupt of get defensive. I also paid very close attention to my body language and my voice -those have always been things she pointed out to me that came across poorly. To be honest, I didn't get mad or upset in the last session at all.
You know, it kind of feels like W is the girl I have a massive crush on and am afraid to talk to or approach. Remember that feeling?? Butterflys in stomach....tripping over tongue....wanting to say the "right" things. It's like I'm 17 again or something and hoping the girl I like "likes" me, too. Always wanting to look your best around her, appear "cool" when really you are freaking out inside. If I knew this would work out in the end, I think I would like this feeling. Sadly, right now it makes me more anxious than anything else.
You know, it kind of feels like W is the girl I have a massive crush on and am afraid to talk to or approach. Remember that feeling?? Butterflys in stomach....tripping over tongue....wanting to say the "right" things. It's like I'm 17 again or something and hoping the girl I like "likes" me, too. Always wanting to look your best around her, appear "cool" when really you are freaking out inside. If I knew this would work out in the end, I think I would like this feeling. Sadly, right now it makes me more anxious than anything else.Crimson
I've felt the exact same way! It was hard enough to do when I *was* 17, I never thought I would have to re-live all those butterflies again! But the thing that helps me is: remembering how I acted around my crush at 17- I didn't follow like a puppy or always happen to 'bump into' them around school... I paid attention to their likes/dislikes, I made sure that I was available when/if they wanted to talk or hang out, I still had a life with my other friends... I tried to become the buddy that they always turned to (even though I had other intentions) and the more they confided and trusted me, the more the chose to hang out with *me* and then they started to have *those* feelings for me.
DB principles seem to have a lot in common with what we did at 17 to get the girl/guy... we just have a hard time backing off to become the 'friend' again because we were so close to this person, we almost don't know how to be just a friend. It's crazy to think about this: I waited almost 11 months for my crush to come around... why can't I have the same patience for my H??
You'll do great at the MC! Labug had some good suggestions: to identify what your physical reaction is to stress/anger- for me, I purse my lips until they are almost gone and I sit on my hands (don't know why), my heart starts racing with adrenaline, and I can't hide that because of my heart monitor... so it's almost impossible to hide things from him. My IC told me that if you can identify your physical reactions to certain emotions, you can address that emotion more effectively and process it quicker and sometimes your body will tell you your emotions before your brain even recognizes them.
good luck!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
