feeling like giving up.....former DBing against OW

[25yearsmlc]

Long weekend of dealing with H and his manipulations....

after all the threats H made to L about 50/50 and not being able to support himself if he had to pay what was being asked of him H resorted to threatening to get his own L and "dragging this out as long as possible and then the classic "well i guess ill have to quit my job and move back to the mid west" (were all his family is)....after speaking to my L Friday evening and thinking about it all weekend I sent my L an offer for him that would lower my support (not my sons support...he seems to be having the most problem with giving ME any money) by some but would keep the rest of our agreement which includes him helping me to get a new vehicle (mine is on its last leg and still has payments,while we paid his off) He had threatened to pull that offer off the table. It came down to the fact that I cannot afford to go to court and fight him, I have no more money to keep paying my L. But I did tell her that this was it..if he did not except this offer then I guess we go to court. She seems to think theres a chance the courts would make him pay the rest of my L fees if that happened.


Many times the income earner DOES pay ALL legal fees...so she's not delusional.

can you make it on what this amount would be? And when you go back to work, will he want it lowered even more?




I am trying to avoid dragging my S14 threw a nasty court fight and traumatizing him more then he is now.

H called him (s14) and wanted him to come over for the weekend and S14 said he didnt want to. I tried to talk to him about it, he hadnt seen his dad in 2 weeks and I hate to see that go that way but he said "when Im over there, I know dad is there but its like hes not"...they dont really do anything and S14 has said before that his dad doesnt talk to him.

14 y/o are old enough to choose and a court will ask HIM for his feelings on it. If he's not mentally challenged and is a normal 14 y/o it's up to him.

I hope that feels empowering to your son b/c you know, HE DOES have some control here, in a situation that otherwise must make him feel powerless.


H never has been one for communication but I cant believe he would let his relationship with S14 go like this...we have talked about it in the past and H says he knows he needs to fix it but then does nothing about it so I guess theres nothing I can do about it. there relationship is between them and theres not a lot I can do about it.

Accept this^^^. You must stop trying to fix repair or create a solution. ALL you can do is not be an obstacle. That does NOT mean texting or calling or asking your ex h to DO/SAY or be anything...you only communicate about s14 when it's truly needed.

Your h will show up soon, later, or never. It's not your responsibility. Work on saying the Serenity prayer for this one b/c it's a serious challenge to any mother. I get it.

My h is still working on repairing the r he has with d22, who was in high school when he left us for an "adventure/gold rush/gazillion dollars/JOB with his heroes" in Alaska. And no, I do not understand it and I never will.

And that's okay. I don't spend ANY energy or time from MY prescious life, on trying to understand the "Why" of someone else's behavior. Just mine...



I dont understand how it got to this point....I hate it. Last night S14 said he feels like His whole family was on a train and everyone jumped off but us. He misses his older bros, and feels like its just he and I now...made me so sad. Then he said when Me and his dad are like this (meaning not talking to each other) he feels like he is going to be on that train all alone. that broke my heart...I reassured him that I was not going anywere

that's^^ the only promise you know YOU can keep. I'd avoid making any promises about your ex h except telling your son that "in there somewhere" in your confused h, is a great deep love for son. Your h's shame and fears and pain probably prevent him from showing it in healthy ways but I personally have no doubt he thinks of s14 often. But how to incorporate son with OW and new life?

Tricky and requires...confronting unpleasant PAINFUL issues...best to wait and hide and see if it all magically gets better...or so it seems to be his approach.

Perhaps when the d is final, your h will resurface. But I would not promise much about him. It's NOT in your control. To avoid more broken promises, only promise what YOU can provide and then keep the promise.



and neither was his Dad and that when things calmed down I know it will get better. there are just a lot of hurt feelings and things are still fresh and that eventually there will come a time that everyone can be happy with the sitch again. His older bro S28, is so angry with H that he wont even speak of him right now...this whole thing has cause a lot of pain. I just want it to be over so everyone can start to heal. that is why I made the offer....its the quickest way to end this and get on with our lives.


ever hear of an "amicable" divorce? Ever KNOW of one? ....me neither...

I think they range from "miserable," to "traumatic nightmare"...


Let me make it clear that S14 knows nothing about any of this still....not the ow, not the fact that H is fighting the support agreement and certainly not the fact that he is threatening 50/50..I keep that far from him.


Blessings to you for this^^^....You will NEVER regret behaving with this dignity. And it's empowering to know you could have, but chose not to. If need be, you may remind h of that sometime when he thinks YOU are being unreasonable. NOt to threaten but to provide "reality therapy".


He just knows that for awhile H was coming around again and being really nice and now hes not.
The whole thing has gotten realy ugly....that is surprising to me not sure why, but I never figured H to be this kind of person. eyes wide open now...and its just not pretty.

just want it to be over

(((( ))))