Too Little, Too Late...part 5

[purgatory]

Lol!!! 25, you gave me a good laugh!
And monkey- I laughed even harder at picturing a pregnant cage fighter!!! That an image I'm not sure will go away

Thank you both for giving me a smile this morning!

25,I DESPISE housework too! Thanks for encouraging me to go ahead with my plan. You're right, either things will fall to pieces in my absence, or he will try to keep up appearances and realize how much energy is needed to do run the household.... Maybe he'll even miss me a little (not that I only want to be missed for doing chores, but my role in the family)

Ok, back to cleaning....

[kolja]

I hear you on housework. Dishes and laundry never bothered me so much, but toilets, floors, counters, dusting - hated it. When I was single in Nevada, I had a housekeeper twice a month take care of that stuff. We were going to hire one when my wife moved in, but we couldn't find one we liked here - then she quit working and we didn't think it would be a good use of money when there was only one income...

I agree with you on word of the day. It was my word of the weekend. I actually kind of surprised myself...

[keep_going]

Housework is the worst. But I do like having a clean and organized house. And H is obsessive about order.

When we first got M, H was so against getting a cleaning person. But I did it anyways. The first time he came home and saw how well the lady cleaned, and he saw all his clothes washed and folded, and the spotless kitchen, etc., he just could not complain.

Yet, it took him YEARS to acknowledge that for the sake of our marriage and quality of life, we NEEDED a cleaning person since we were both working full time.

I think it's worth the investment, for yourself and your marriage. Like 25 says, you just cannot do it all...

[purgatory]

****
H came home early from work...
S6 had misbehaved at school, so H and I talked with him. I had been scrubbing the kitchen, so I went back to doing that- while H chose to sit at the table and read his book (again!) i asked him a few questions about work, and he didnt appear to be in a conversation mood. I had planned to fold laundry next, so I came upstairs to do that....
Here's my problem: I don't want H to feel abandoned/ignored every time he comes over.... But I also want to appear busy and not end up hanging around him.
I feel like I did the right thing by continuing my plan of the day, but I'm worried that he might be sitting down there thinking: "gee, I come home and everyone leaves to go do other things." (this is kinda what used to happen- I would leave him alone when he came home- but back then, H wanted his space because he was normally upset with me)

What do I do?!?! Should I go back down and try to talk to him? Or leave him be?
(why the he!! cant I make any decisions for myself?!)

[keep_going]

You can't make the decision...
because it's hard!!!

I think you are touching on a dilemma I have as well.

DB principles talk about giving space, be busy, GAL, etc. YET, in some sitchs like mine, and it looks like yours as well, being distant and detached was an issue in our R.

So the hard question is WHERE IS THE BALANCE???

25 touched on this a bit in one of her posts in her thread:

**IF your spouse left you b/c you neglected or abused them, then your GAL has to have a different flavor, obviously.**

When are you giving space vs. neglecting?

I don't have an answer and I keep wondering about this balance...

Maybe someone has some input on this?

[purgatory]

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one confused by this.
Fact is, I did the laundry- then came back down here and I'm sitting on the couch (he had already moved to the couch as well) on my laptop- trying to look busy on these boards.

Part of me really wants to sit next to him and try to start something (wink, wink) cause he said that was something I never did but that he wished I did: take advantage of some alone time and fool around with each other.
But of course, he doesn't want anything to do with me- so I'm afraid I would make him REALLY uncomfortable if I did anything like that!

So we shall sit here, near each other, in silence.....
(why does he have to smell so good?! Not fair!!)

[labug]

Do what you would normally do, stick with your plan for your day.

[nhmom]

I know what you mean! I have the same thoughts sometimes, just don't know what to do or what to say.

I think it's good that you went back to doing what you were doing. If you dropped everything when he comes, then he might not feel comfortable and would see it as pursuing.

Maybe try to "guess" what he's up to. If he's reading a book, then he probably doesn't want to talk and would like to be left alone. If he looks like he's open to conversation or something else, then try to suggest something that you know he'd like. It sounds like you were doing that though a few days ago...watching the YouTube video he was watching or helping him out when he was working on the truck.

As hard as it seems, don't stop doing what you were already doing. If he seems to start thinking that he's not included, that's good...it will make him more curious.

[BFloat]

i use to be the most anal person when it came to organizing and cleaning. but since having kids.. things have gone seriously downhill! i know it was such a topic of discourse for H and i. the clutter really begins wearing on you! so now i'm decluttering for me!

stick to your plan! you are doing so great! focus on your trip and try to worry less about what H is thinking. i know.. so easy to say! can't wait to hear all the updates about all the things you'll be doing!

[purgatory]

I love all my friends on here You know how to make a girl feel good!

I was thinking about something a spiritual advisor told me once (and maybe I've said this on here a LONG time ago). The idea is this:

When you meet some one and start to fall in love, you are presenting a certain version of you. You should make sure that *that* version is authentic and genuine. Because when you choose to get married, if you drastically change the person that they fell in love with, the other spouse will feel as if they've been tricked. Now this is not saying that people shouldn't grow and change based on mutual/individual experiences, but the core person should be the same. And it can even be as simple as things that you always *do* for each other, for example: If you (as a woman) always wore makeup or dressed nice every time you went out with your spouse during dating.... than you should continue to do those things after marriage.

Ok, I'm not saying this because I agree with it entirely, but I do understand the essence of it. I've realized that I changed who I was almost the instant that he put the ring on my finger. I think in my mind I told myself: "Hey, I got him. I don't have to impress anymore" and I became lazy in my appearance and attitude towards him. Boy, do I regret that. (and maybe I'm not the only one here who fell victim to 'marriage comfort')

But I've come to this ^^^^ realization after my DB efforts over the past 2 months. I really LIKE doing my hair and makeup, and putting on nice clothes daily. I have noticed that I carry myself better AND I have a better attitude... it might seem superficial that a little makeup could cause such a dramatic turn around- oh-well. I like the way H looks at me now (even when he doesn't think I see it)... I feel like my DB efforts are not changing me, only bringing back the woman that has been hiding behind baggy shirts and low self-esteem...lightbulb moment!.... the woman he fell in love with!!!

Why couldn't I have figured this out 3 years ago, when it would have kept my M together.