Wife Left Part 3

[25yearsmlc]

Sorry the session was so painful. At least things were unearthed and you know more of what you face.

Weekend is going well. Its a 3 day weekend for me, so I have S.

As for the MC session back on the 18th. W said said things that hurt me, and would hurt anyone no matter how much detaching you think you did.

What it came down to is she is convinced she has absolutely no feelings for me. She wants a divorce so she can "get away" from me, and the last 7 years meant nothing.

as you have heard 100 times here, those^^^ words are not written in stone even if she meant them completely WHEN she said them...

it's impossible to erase 7 years or say that NOTHING in them was good. At least let THAT roll off your back.


When W made statement she didn't want to hurt me, counselor said "You do have feelings for him" she got mad and continued to say, "No I don't!"

See comment above


She threw everything back at me (no surprise) that I said or did during the separation saying that by me trying to stop the divorce I was being controlling.

She didn't want to listen to anything the counselor had to say, especially when he said all we needed was time to heal. She said she was afraid my changes wouldn't last, and didn't want to hear that there is a good chance that they would.


we KNEW this^^^. OF course she fears your changes are not real b/c she does not want the old m again.

All WAS's fear that. Don't gloss over those "OCD" things & the drinking, b/c although your list was very good-

some of it revealed how hard it must have been on HER to be in that situation...from my perspective anyhow.

At the end of the session I agreed to "give up" and not stand in her way for her to get her divorce. I told her she can come over and we can split our assets and get on with the divorce.
Nothing that was said was a "Shock" as so many have posted similar things from their WAS, and I was well prepared for it.
[b]
After the session I pretty much blew her off, I was so angry.[/b]


"angry"? You just said you were "prepared" for it.

Or hurt, disappointed or frustrated? It's sort of important b/c anger has been a bigger issue for you than you are recalling atm.

Why the Anger?

How did "blowing her off" look, work, or show change in YOU?


I knew inside I wasn't giving up, but no matter what I said in the session wouldn't have mattered, the only thing she would accept is a divorce.

2 days later she came over we packed more of her stuff up, she took some stuff with her and said she would rent a moving truck to get the rest. We pretty much had everything figured out of who gets what.

She agreed to sell engagement ring and pay off our bills with it, we agreed to sell time share, and agreed on what to do with tax return.

I asked her to change her last name back, because I didn't want her to have my last name while being with other men. She was upset at first because she said she wanted to have same last name as S, but she agreed to it.


You are the first man to say this^^^ that I know of. Geez,

I Can't decide if it smacks of more control on your end,

OR
angry spite,

OR
jealousy, the most...or all three.

Not helping you. NOT Keeping the Road Home, Paved & Smooth...just punishing her.

CO, what happened to what you have learned here?

You seem to think that if you do not drink, you're all better. But If the other behaviors continue, that's what is called being a "dry drunk".

Do you attend AA meetings? They help ALL r's.

I went to 12 step meetings and they did more on a day to day basis to help me cope with h, than nearly anything else. Learn the Serenity Prayer and say it. Daily or hourly...

You seem fine when there's no challenging event...but

When the going got tough, you reverted. We often do at the start of this, but you have to recognize it when it happens. To me, this was a backslide.

You have an opportunity to exhibit TRUE CHANGE in you by staying on course EVEN WHEN IT'S NOT EASY...


I also told her I would pick up and drop of S on my days off and she could no longer stay at house in mornings, because it wasn't fair to continue to go on like that.

I probably shouldn't have made that decision, because I see my S less, but I feel its less confusing to S to wake up at my house and expect to see his mother there.

Well, what's the truth^^^ here?

Was it to "Teach her a lesson" (& punish her), have less pain for you, OR to help S? How does it help S if you see him less?

Wasn't one of the things she commented on favorably, was that you are now a better dad? Does this undermine that perception?


The day prior I had gone out to dinner with a female friend, W asked me "How did your date go?" I told her it wasn't a date, that she is just a friend, and I am not ready to date yet. W said same thing that she didn't want to date anyone yet, but she is very curious about dating, and her friend from work keeps asking to set her up.


I'd avoid asking her ANYTHING about her private life and not provide details about yours. BE mysterious but UPBEAT about it...not silent or festering or closed off.


I feel I am in LRT mode at full speed. Even though the other day when she came over I felt she "used" me to vent to. I am not sure if I should continue to let her do that, or even cut that off.

WTH? What?? You felt "used" b/c she shared her feelings with you?

CO, She didn't ask you to mow her lawn or clean her toilet. She SHARED her feelings with you. Remember that LIST of yours & how you'd listen, make "eye contact, validate", etc? Where'd that go?

Do you want to "show her the consequences" of her choices-- by closing off any possibility of friendship, that could later serve as a foundation for a healthy r with her----or more--- b/c you are mad?

Do you see this for what it is? Geez, give her something to MISS by being as kind and friendly and upbeat as possible. You don't see her that often.

True, YOU might not "get" anything from it right away, except a better r, you might not reconcile ever.... But SHE MIGHT benefit...and like you...let that be enough for now.

B/C the more of a friend you are for her, the better the r you'll have, regardless of the rest. THAT is a worthy goal no matter what happens to the m

Don't make this all or nothing or you'll get nothing.




the dilemma is: Do I let her vent and see she can still talk to me and trust me, or cut it off and hope she misses venting to me.

Either way I won't initiate any conversation anymore when we see each other.

You want her to choose between all or nothing, YOU will get nothing

and her needs will be met elsewhere.