DB or not, I think you handled that as best you could. In regards to ML, only you can decide if that was wrong or not, don't beat yourself up too much.
Your H seems to be on the fence and changes his side from moment to moment. The fact that he's asking you 'what's there to save' shows that he's been thinking about it even when he's not around you....
Don't try to stop him from moving out, it will be the only way he gets the true reality of his choices. I tried to tell my H that he's a 'visitor' and needs to notify me when he plans on coming to visit the kids, but I have not been good about enforcing that boundary... I hope you can stick to it (if that's what makes you most comfortable.) Remember one of the main rules of DB is to use them as a guideline, but DO what works best for your sitch.
Your H and mine should get together- the similarities are creepy: *dropped the bomb day after Thanks. *'wants' to move out, but can't completely do it *starting to question things (mine hasn't been as bold as yours, but he's questioning my 'new self'- this weekend (same as yours)
Keep up your goals, and staying detached (or trying to). It's obviously keeping him guessing his decision.... Good job!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Thanks, Purg! Even though we came to this community at about the same time, you seem to have taken on the DB advice so quickly and are able to provide support like a "pro"! I appreciate your support! It really is creepy how similar our H's are!
I want you to know that you've got my back! You're doing amazing with your DB'ing and I always look forward to learning from you as your sitch progresses!
From a guy's standpoint - you need to let him move out. He may feel like he made the right choice, but it will not last long. Seems like he is already doubting his choices. Detach and let him go for now.
I'm handy with the exact same advice that I struggle with every day. D'oh!
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
I think its good that you can and did tell him that you want to make the M work and the reasons why. Now that you had the chance to say it, I think you do need to let him go and figure it all out. But, I would not make it easy for him. If he wanst to move-out then you let him but I think you should just quietly stick to your beliefs as opposed to giving him help with moving out or saying things to him out of pain which will only push him further into his shell.
I think I am ready to "let him go". He's so set on finding happiness when he moves out, and I think he needs to see that grass is not greener on the other side.
I was making dinner when H came home and he laughed when he came into the kitchen. He said he felt like fish tacos today and that is what I was making. Who says we don't think alike? We are still able to finish each other's sentences and think about the same thing at the exact same moment. He doesn't say we do anymore, but tonight proved that we do!
I'm staying out of H's way for the rest of the night. S4 and I played together, then went to color and listen to music in his room. At one point S4 said "it's nice to spend time together without the mad man around". I was shocked and asked who the mad man was, and he said it was daddy. H really doesn't show interest in S4 other than to yell at him, and S4 can sense it and it's taking a toll on him. S4 seems to be more worried about upsetting me than ever before. Even if I scold him for doing something, his face shows concern and he asks "do you still love me?" It breaks my heart that I have reassure him that I will always love him, no matter what and even if I'm not happy at him about something.
That this poor little boy has to suffer dye to his Dads crisis is intolerable. I'm so against people not staying together and trying but when a little kid like this has that kind of awareness of the sitch then its time for your H to sht or get off the pot. How can he live with himself being constantly angry at his son? I know I'm supposed to say keep the road home open and all that but will he find the road with all that anger? Maybe I'm just getting too defensive for you and son.
I'm totally with you on this, Rick! If H is so angry with me, if 'I' am the cause for all his unhappiness, then why is he acting like this with S4? H says he loves S4 more than anything, but he sure as h3ll doesn't show it. Why not take a few minutes out of his busy day to spend time with S4? I LOVE spending time with S4, playing with him, being silly and watching him be a kid. It is so rewarding, but H doesn't seem to share that thought. I think that H has deeper issues than he wants to admit and he needs counseling to help sort out his emotions. I think this is one of the reasons why I actually 'want' him to move out, so that S4 and I don't have to walk on egg shells when H is around and I want S4 to just be a kid and not be constantly scolded. He's such as smart and curious kid.
So sorry that your son has to suffer an extra level of disappointment through this stich.
I'm with Rick on this- that H needs to figure his sh!t out quickly before S4 develops some of his own 'issues' from his childhood experiences... like you said, sounds like H might have some demons from his past (maybe childhood) that haven't been addressed. It's too bad that you can't suggest therapy for H, but maybe you can get some for S4... I have S6 talking to someone 2x a month- just to make sure that I'm not missing something that needs to be addressed. My son tells me that they spend most of the time building legos and coloring- so it's obviously not traumatic for him.
I was lucky, my H admitted that his dad was detached and only involved when discipline was needed... but he promised himself that he would use those experiences as a 'non-example' of being a dad. And because of that, my boys have the most amazing dad.
I hope you continue to enjoy the time with your son tonight!! It would be so wonderful if we could actually get together, for us and the kids
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
my heart goes out to you and your son! it must be heartbreaking to hear him refer to H as the mad man and not even daddy. i remind my kids everyday how much i love them (that's all we can really do isn't it?). one thing i have been focusing on is when S5 is being naughty.. i tell him i am not happy w/ what he is doing but i still love him. distinguishing that it's the action i'm upset w/ not him. i love him even when he's being naughty!
rick - "its time for your H to sht or get off the pot" never heard that saying but i like it!!
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
I must be painting quite a picture of H. He's not all that bad, he's can actually be quite a loving and caring guy who "loved" being a dad. It's just that for the past 2-3 months he has not been "himself". I do think he's going through a crisis, one that is beyond our marriage. I read on some of the threads here about how your spouses continue to be great parents and cannot say that for my H. I really do think that he's going through a MLC and I know that I can't do anything about it. H needs space and he shall have it.
I saw the preview for the movie "The Vow" that's coming out on Valentine's Day. Even though the plot is about a wife who loses her memory in a car accident, I think this can apply to our WAS as they are experiencing "amnesia" as well. In the movie, the H does all he can to make his wife fall in love with him again. I think I'm going to see it, but I should probably go by myself and bring plenty of tissues.
Oh....Valentine's Day...Is anyone else dreading Valentine's Day??? H was never the romantic guy and we didn't make a huge deal of Valentine's Days in the past. In fact, last year was the first time he actually sent flowers to my work on Valentine's Day. But this year is going to hit hard, I think. It's more of "what you can't have".
